The Other Side

Full Circle

2009-09-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

Today & My Life:

I woke up feeling nasty. Like a hangover without any booze the night before. Puffy eyes and nausea. I can do this!

When Scott came home from the doctor's and told me that they had found cancer in his chest, I was stunned. I listened to him and took it all in and asked questions like what's the first thing we have to do to get rid of it. I would go with him to his next doctor's appoiintment to discuss treatment.

The rest is history. We have come Full Circle. It has been about a year and a half ago that I started this story. Scott and I are as healthy as we can be, considering out history. We still love each other and I know I will always love him. Between the ups and downs, the laughter and the tears, we have fought a big battle and won. Cancer, HIV, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, deaths and surgeries. Family, friends, and pets. Live each day the best you can for you may not see tomorrow.

Someone, somewhere was just diagnosed with a deadly disease. They are about to embark on their own journey. If it turns out that you know them, ask yourself - What if it were me?

Today we are going to lunch with a friend who found out she has breast cancer. She is going to have her breasts removed this week. Yesterday she was going through the anger stage and we hope to help her through it and give her the encouragement she needs to fight. Today it is all about her.

Who will it be about tomorrow?

Love & Peace

Self Confidence

2009-09-06T04:52:00.000-07:00

Today:

Going to John & Elizabeth's for a little cookout! Two of my favorite people. I'm starting to get hungry already. Happy Labor day.

My life:

I made the callbacks!!!! I was so excited. When I got there to do my second reading there were only 3 of us going for the same role. One guy was really bad and I knew he had gotten a courtesy call back. Must have been a friend of the director. The second guy looked the part and only did a fair reading. I did a great reading but I had not shaved my mustache and I didn't look the part.

I was told by Scott that you should not dress up as the role when auditioning because the director may have a different outlook on the character. Maybe I should have shaved because the role was given to the other guy. I was devastated. I told Scott I would do the costumes for "Steel Magnolias" which was what he was directing.

While looking for another role to audition for my side started to act up again. I was having more pains where they had operated and it was bulging. Another doctor's visit and I was told my mesh holding the hernia had torn and needed to be replaced or something. I can't remember exactly what it was but I was pissed. I needed another operation and on the same thing! The doctor told me it would be an overnight procedure and it would heal quickly. I wondered why they couldn't get it right the first time. I set the operation up for a couple of weeks in advance.

I was having a fun time with the cast of Steel Magnolias and we were shopping at the thrift shop for costumes when I got a call on my cell phone. It was the director of Biloxi Blues. It seems the guy that he cast as Toomey was a real diva and was not getting along with him or the cast. They called me in to see if I could have a private audition/interview. I agreed to meet him and he offered me the role even after I told him about the operation I was to have a few nights before opening night. I only had 3 weeks to learn all the extensive monologues and actions.

I spent every available minute going over my lines. Scott would come home from work and I would be outside doing lines. I did lines while in the shower. I did lines everywhere. I would rehearse them without emotion just so I could get them down. It was a big role to take on with so little time.

During the last week of rehearsals I actually cried and thought I would never be able to pull it off. The director gave me encouragement and told me I was doing a great job. I was scared.

I had the operation without any complications and went home the next day. My whole stomach was wrapped up and I would bleed if I strained the area. Opening night was only a couple days away and I could barely move. Now I was even more frightened but I held on and persisted.

The last dress rehearsal was horrible. I had stopped in the middle of monologues and forgotten where I was. I really sucked. I had the lines down but I was overwhelmed with fear of screwing up that I did screw up. I had to do this and prove I was worthy of this role!

The night we opened I was bleeding a little and had to re wrap myself over and over again. I stormed the stage with all the confidence I could muster and by the end of the night people were screaming and ranting about how awesome I was. I barely remembered being on stage. I had done it. The biggest challenge of my life. I pulled it off and the run for Biloxi was to be very successful.

The reviews were all excellent. I was nominated for a WATCH (Washington Area Theater Community Honor) award for best supporting actor. There were almost 200 men that year who had done a supporting role and I was chosen as one of the top five or six. The year prior I hadn't even know what a WATCH award was.

When the ceremony was held and they started reading the nominations all I could think in my mind was...please don't say my name, I can't go on stage and talk. When they announced me as the winner, I thought I would faint! I was still a nobody in the theater community and they had recognized me as a talent. I was thrilled.

Scott encouraged me the whole time and supported everything I had to go through. He was my rock during all of this and I was so thankful to have him in my life. He had given me more confidence since I could remember. With that I began to audition for more plays and land more roles. Thus I have met some of the best people I could ever wish to meet. Scott and I would work on plays and enjoy life until he got the call...

Love & Peace

Clayton

Meeting Scott

2009-08-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

Before I continue I have to say that I am overwhelmed with bills and issues. It seems that Scott's Tooth cost $800.00 after insurance, My car insurance went up for no apparent reason, Sears is deciding to up it's interest rates, My virus protection plan had to be renewed for the computer and two dogs are due to go to the vet.

eBay has been really bad. My business has dropped off immensely and the stress has gotten to me a bit. I keep saying to myself that it will all pass and maybe next year I can go on a vacation. That said...

My Life: Scott led the meeting that night and I remember him calling on me to talk. I didn't want to but I did. He smiled when I shared and I thought he was adorable. I knew I would meet him after the meeting.

Meeting adjourned and I met Mr. Olson. We talked a little about this and that and he invited me to go see a play with him. Ah, theater was something I had missed for the past 20 or so years. I told him I would see a show with him and we exchanged numbers.

We talked on the phone a couple of times and we learned even more about each other. When Thanksgiving came around, Scott was sick so I took an entire dinner to his home and fed him. Then I did the dishes and bid him adu.

We went on dates and introduced our dogs to each other. Went to the movies ("Calendar Girls" was our first together), watched TV, did puzzles and just enjoyed each others company. Once we even had Meningitis together. The doctor said it was from some food contamination - Taco Bell!

He invited me to audition for a play he was directing called "Killing Dante". I tried out for the flaming queen role - something I had never done before on stage. Scott was reluctant to cast me because we were so close. he didn't want it to interfere with our relationship. Even though I knew it wouldn't, I told him it was ok to cast someone else. In the end he cast me - because he said I was the best at the audition. From there my theater career kicked off again.

It was inevitable that we move in together. We packed our separate houses and moved in to another one. It was to be the house from hell but we didn't know that since we were in love.

After Killing Dante I wanted to do more. I auditioned for shows and I really sucked. Then came the audition for "Biloxi Blues" at The Little Theater of Alexandria. It is one of the best theaters to work for and I knew I was perfect for the role of Sgt Toomey. I made the callbacks...

Peace and Love,

Clayton

Ken Goes to Vegas

2009-08-16T04:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Scott and I went to the Prince William County Fair along with out neighbors Cathy, Brian and their little girl Emily. Emily is 4, and we rode all the rides together. We all spent too much money, ate too much food that's wasn't good for us, walked way too much and had a great time. My legs are feeling the burn this morning.

There is just so much I can do without being in unbearable pain but I refuse to lay down and die over it all. I've lost a lot of friends over the years and I plan on having much more fun before it's my time to go.

My Life: September 11 was a tragic day in America and it should never be forgotten. I know that all around the world people were touched in many different ways. That day gave me a freedom that I had not known for a long time.

Our lives were changing and Ken didn't know what he was going to do for a job. He asked me what I thought about moving to Las Vegas. Although I wanted to move there too, I told him that he should do it. I gave him encouragement to start a new life and not to have regrets for anything he didn't at least try. I explained that he could do it on his own and that I could find a nice little studio apartment and start over myself. He agreed and took a flight out to Vegas to look into where he would live.

I was so excited to be living by myself. My sister told me that her Yorkshire Terrier had puppies and as soon as they were old enough I could have one. It was going to be me and the new baby. Me and AA. Me and my sponsor Bob. Me and my therapist. Me, me, me, me, me!

Ken came back from Vegas and told me he had found a place to live. He said he would be moving on Oct 1st (my birthday). What a wonderful present for me. The first thing we had to do was sell everything. We had hired a couple of old ladies called Four Sales to run the estate sale. I would have preferred to do it myself but Ken insisted. Since it was his stuff, I gave in. The ladies overpriced everything and when the sale was over Ken had to rent a storage unit to put all that was left in it. I felt the sale was a flop. Hell, he even charged me to buy some things from him that I needed for my new place. Things likes pots and pans and a bed! He could be such a dick sometimes! What ever was left, I would sell for him and we would split the profits.

Before Ken moved I had found a studio apartment, moved my stuff in and went to Williamsburg to pick up my new little girl. My sister had 4 available puppies and they were all the size of small hamsters. One of them came wobbling up to me and she was beautiful! I gave her the name Princess Xena Sierra and would call her Xena. In the car on the way home, she cried. She was missing her mommy and it felt so sad. I knew she would be happy once we got to our new home.

My birthday came and Ken moved. I was a happy bachelor with the cutest dam dog you had ever seen. I took her everywhere I could. She went to AA meetings with me, the post office, long walks, and visits to friends.

On my own I volunteered my services as a bingo caller at the Girls and Boys Club on the weekends. I started dating again too. I was learning what happiness was all over again. I was slowly completing the 12 steps in AA and going to the meetings on a regular schedule. I was becoming what I hated when I first gave up drinking - HAPPY.

Time passed without arguments, insecurities, hate and irritability's. I healed more and more the next couple of years than I thought was imaginable. Then at an AA meeting I met Scott...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

My Nephew

2009-08-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

I found out yesterday that my brother's youngest son is going to be on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I'll keep everyone posted. YAY!!!!!!

The Year of Living Madly

2009-08-09T05:09:00.000-07:00

What a horrible night last night. My legs hurt so bad that it actually brought tears to my eyes. I don't think I have ever had that intensity of pain from neuropathy before. I had to take painkillers and lay in bed all night. Still a little pain this morning but at least I can bare it.

My brother-in-law Paul was in town this weekend and built a wall in the unfinished bathroom in the basement. He also installed a toilet. Now I don't have to go upstairs if I need to urinate.

Scott had a tooth break apart and just fall out of his mouth on Friday. He gets to see a dentist on Monday so he is in pain until then. When both of us are in pain at the same time it's not a fun household to be in.

My life: That first year of getting sober I was filled with anger. I called Bob Ball everyday and started to work for him once a week for a couple of hours cleaning his house. He and his partner never cleaned and the place was a mess. Random fact: Bob was the only son of Football coach Herman Ball. His dad worked with the Redskins for a while and a couple of other teams. Bob fast became my best friend.

I still went to therapy once a week and it was getting easier. I would talk about everything and get it off my chest. My anger was so bad at times my face would turn bright red. Everyday I would think about suicide.

My first day of sobriety was August 13, 2000. Each month at the AA meetings I would get a chip to celebrate another 30 days of clean living. There were people in the meetings that had years and years without a drink. I never thought I could be one of those individuals. I really disliked them too because I thought that no one could be that happy all the time.

About 6 months sober and I had to have another operation. It seems that after they removed my appendix I had a hernia. I spent another week in the hospital having that repaired. My scar was getting bigger.

Around eights months sober the one thing I knew was coming, happened. They say that it is the hardest thing to go through without slipping and taking a drink. Death. I took Stryker to the vet and was told he had cancer and he was in a lot of pain. I stayed with him as they gave him the shot. He died in my arms as I cried. I am crying now as I write this. It is still a very painful thing. He loved me unconditionally and never wavered. Ken tried to be supportive. It was a lonely house without Stryker but I did not drink or drug over the loss.

My one year anniversary was coming up soon. It was my nephew's birthday and he was going to have a big party. I was going to have breakfast with Bob at the Cowboy Cafe in Arlington. Just another ordinary day.

I was in the office when I heard Ken yell from downstairs to turn the TV on. I stood in shock at what I saw. One of the Twin Towers were on fire. Then a plane flew into the second tower. What the hell was going on? I heard a loud noise and went to look outside. There was a plane flying so low that I thought it was going to crash into our home. It passed us over and exploded. Smoke was everywhere. We lived only a few blocks away from the Pentagon and heard on the news that what I had just witnessed was that attack. It was the end of the world, I thought.

Within minutes, people were scrambling everywhere. They were climbing over fences and cutting through yards to get home and away from all the chaos. I kept calling Bob and there was no answer. I tried his cell, no answer. I had to make sure he was alright so I got in the car and drove to the cafe. Bob wasn't there. The place was packed with people who didn't know how they were going to get home. More chaos. Outside people were everywhere crying and looking like they were going to die. I realized Bob would not be coming and I would talk to him later. I had to do something now. I was overwhelmed by what I saw. I offered my driving services to anyone who needed them. One lady told me should was going to stay put until she could reach her husband. The next guy I asked was very grateful and said he needed a ride to Annandale.

Here I was in my car with a complete stranger giving him a ride home. He was employed at the Pentagon and told me that everyone was evacuated from the building and that they could not get to their cars. It took an hour to get him home in all the traffic that day.

That day, I began to feel something other than anger. I had done what I could do. It wasn't a heroic act or anything extraoridinary but it made me feel good about myself. I was finally on the right path. The road to recovery.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Goodbye Bette

2009-08-02T05:01:00.000-07:00

I met Bette when Scott was going through his cancer treatments. Her and her daughter Michelle worked at the storage unit where I rented a small compartment. I also went to the auctions there monthly to get things to sell on eBay. Bette and Chele came over to the house in Arlington and helped me clean when Scott was sick and we had company coming to visit.

Last weekend she and her daughter along with the grand kids went to a water park for a family outing. All of them climbed the giant water slide in anticipation of a wild ride. Bette told Michele she wasn't feeling to great and so Michele went first. At the bottom, she saw her girls ride the water with glee. her mother was no where in site.

A group of paramedics were running up the stairs and Michele was scared. It seems her mother, Bette, had some kind of attack and died before she could ride the slide. Bette was only a couple of years older than me. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. We would talk on the computer sometimes daily and we loved Farm Town on Facebook. I sure am going to miss her.

I am going to make some food for the family and bring it to them this week sometime. I know what it's like to lose a mother. I only hope when I go, I go as quickly as she did. Goodbye Bette, you will always be in my heart,

My Life: Back to AA. My body was saying drink, my mind was saying go to the meetings or die. Without alcohol I shook so badly I couldn't write my name. I blushed bright red when I was scared or embarrassed. I had panic attacks for no reason. I thought of suicide at least once every five minutes. I didn't think I would ever like people again. Ken was at least supportive.

The next meeting I went to I sat with Irving and when they asked if anyone had anything to say,Irving grabbed my arm and raised it for me. I announced that I needed a sponsor and that was all I could get out of my mouth. During the meeting break, what looked to me like a giant of a man came walking towards me. I was sitting down and he looked 7 feet tall with a white beard and a big belly. No, he did not look like Santa, he looked like a mean biker in my eyes. He introduced himself to me as Bob Ball and told me he wanted to take me on as my sponsor. I sort of cried a little and said OK. He gave me his phone number and told me I had to call him everyday regardless if I had anything to say. This was going to be very hard for me.

I also started counseling at WWC. It was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do. I sat In the room with Bob Kenney and he would ask me how my day went. The typical response from me would be: I hate people, they piss me off. No one cares about anyone else these days and they are all rude and self centered. I hate my life. I'm angry all day long and I want to die.

He would then ask me things like what would I do to change these things that were happening around me. What if I put myself in other peoples shoes and what about the people who do love you? To me it was all crap.

The people around me didn't know what I was going through. I didn't let anyone in on who I was except the 2 Bobs. They were my outlets. They were the strangers I confided in. They didn't judge me. They were understanding and supportive. When in public I avoided eye contact as much as possible with everyone else. I stewed in my head about how I wanted to kill certain people and myself. This was going to be a long road ahead of me.

The AA meetings would talk about GOD and prayer and a higher power. What a bunch of shit to me. I had no God. One guy told me his higher power was the barbie doll. Another said the ocean was his. They told me to just figure out something I could respect and make it my higher power. It didn't have to be the God I grew up with and never believed in. It didn't have to be Mohammad or Buddha or any other religious figure. It could be anything. It would take me a while to choose a higher power.

AA has 12 steps and I had done the first one quite easily. I admitted I had a problem and that I was an alcoholic. The second one is to believe in a higher power. ARGH! This isn't going to work for me. I hate AA and all the people except Bob and a couple of others. I want ice cream!

In the meantime at the home front I could see that Stryker dog wasn't up to his old self. He was moving slower and would sit outside on the balcony by himself and look at the sky. He was so beautiful when he did that. He was my best friend and I was afraid I was going to lose him. Ken was being his old self again and getting angry with everything. Maybe I rubbed off on him. I was feeling a pain in my side where my appendix was removed and knew something was wrong there too. Bingo was still on the weekends along with yard saleing. Life continued on...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

I'm Not Crazy

2009-07-26T05:43:00.001-07:00

This picture is of me in Tartuffe. One more show today and then strike afterwards. Bye bye dress, pantyhose, high heels and drag queen make up...hello not shaving for days at a time, torn jeans, crocs and scratching my ass!

This past week I have also gotten addicted to an application on Facebook call Farm Town. Like I need something else to take time out of my day. eBay is enough and trying to keep up with cleaning the house and cooking. The best part is, I am alive and enjoying most of it.

My Life: So here I am in this loony bin and craving a cigarette and a drink. There are very few people here and I am allowed to walk around. It seems that it is a holding place where people are kept until someone decides where they are going to end up. My guess is either jail or the state mental ward. I want out! I didn't feel that anyone had the right to keep me locked up for trying to kill myself. It's my life and I should be able to do what I want with it as long as I don't physically hurt anyone else. (I still feel this way today).

I spent the first day walking around and wondering what next. The person behind the window couldn't answer any of my questions. I was fed and ignored. The next day I was sent in to see the shrink. Finally! She was a complete idiot and very easy to manipulate. She explained the procedure that I had to stay in this place for 3 days. I was furious and told her that if I didn't get out sooner that I would hang myself in my room. I was released that afternoon. I guess I was more than they wanted to deal with and I didn't have any insurance or money so why not let me go.

I had to call someone to come get me so I called Jim. I didn't think Ken would even want to see me. Jim came and picked me up. He told me that Ken had called the police and reported me missing. No one knew where I was until I called. I don't think the police even searched for me. Jim took me home to Stryker dog and Ken. Stryker was more excited to see me than Ken.

I spent the rest of that day and the next two days in bed. The pills I had taken had really messed up my body and I was quite ill. I heard voices in my head calling my name. I was sure that my dead father was calling out to me and asking me to join him. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Ken went to play bingo.

Once I was back on my feet I had to get back to work. I barely talked and was very depressed. Sometime that next week Jim put together an intervention. He got together Ken, Janice, Rishi and himself and pretty much trapped me into talking about what I was going to do with my life. They told me how much they loved me and that it was hurting them to see me drinking myself to death. My response was I wanted to go back in the past and start over. That was the easy route, I thought. By the end of the intervention it was decided that I would get counseling from Whitman Walker Clinic on depression and go to AA meetings. I was going to hate every minute of it but decided to go along with the plan.

I found out where the AA meetings were and planned my first one. There were lots of gay meetings so that made it easier for me to go to one. I talked to Whitman Walker and they set up a counselor named Bob Kenney to see me.

The first AA meeting I went to I was scared to death. I walked into this church where all these men and women were sitting around a table and reading out loud from a book. I couldn't grasp what they were saying and felt like a deer in headlights. This was not going to be easy for me. I hated it and everyone in the room. Once the meeting was over I tried to get out quickly but a guy named Irving came up to me and welcomed me to the meeting. He asked me if it was my first time and asked me if I knew about the other meetings. He told me that my best bet was to go to an open discussion meeting at another church the next night. That is what I decided to do. Listening to people reading from a book was not going to help me, I thought.

The next night I went to the meeting and Irving was there. He made sure that I introduced myself to everyone. They were all so happy and cheerful. I just wanted to take a machine gun to all of them. no one could be this happy!!!! How could alcoholics be happy without drinking? I was sure that I had been through way more than anyone else there and that I drank twice as much as them. This was just another form of hell I had to endure.

After the meeting, Irving told me I needed a sponsor and that when I came back I should raise my hand and ask for one. I didn't want to go back again. I didn't want to see those phony people. I was still pissed that I was alive. Suicide never left my train of thought. I was constantly thinking of ways I could end my life...

Love & Peace,
Clayton

The Mess

2009-07-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

I am so tired this morning. Last night after the show I went out with the cast to one of their homes and we had a karaoke party. I didn't get home until 2am and then the girls wouldn't let me sleep this morning. I feel like I have a horrible hangover and I didn't even drink anything. The party was fun though.

Today is another matinee and then one more weekend of being a woman. I'm getting used to the high heels but I don't think I could ever get used to the rest of the stuff that women have to wear. I'll be happy when it's over.

The next chapter of my story is painful to write.

My Life: I laid on the bed drinking my vodka and thinking that it was going to be my last night on earth. I was watching "Survivor" on TV. It was my favorite TV show and I thought to myself I'll never know who wins. I wasn't sad about leaving. I felt very content that I had done everything I was supposed to do. I wasn't going to miss anyone except my dog.

I had decided not to write a note. If I had, it might have gone like this:

Everyone,

I am freeing myself from all the pain of having to live on this earth. My body won't function without alcohol. My partner is angry with me on a daily basis. I'm broke and in debt up to my neck. My family never comes to visit me or even call. I always have to call them. I really don't have many friends. AIDS will probably take me anyway. My legs hurt, my head hurts and I no longer like who I am. People in general are just down right nasty and mean. I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!

Clayton

I was going to go out like Marilyn Monroe. I fell asleep.

Time ticked away. I woke up and didn't know who or where I was. I had soiled myself and was in a strange bed. The only thing I was thinking was to get clean. I crawled (literally) on my hands and knees towards the bathroom. Once I made it to the tub it took every ounce of my strenght to get inside. The water felt nice and I cleaned my self off. Seconds felt like hours. I finished cleaning up and got out of the tub. My legs were like rubber and didn't want to function. I knew I was dying. I didn't want to be found dead naked so I put on some pants. The hotel room was a mess with a trail of human feces leading from the bed to the bathroom. It was like some really bad movie. I crawled towards the door. I blacked out.

By all means I should have died that night. I wanted to die that night!

I woke up.

I was on a stretcher in some sort of hospital. What the hell happened? This is not where I was supposed to be. How in the hell did I get here? There was no one by my side. I was alone in a hallway and I was strapped down. I called out and a nurse came up to me and forced me to drink some black liquid. It tasted like charcoal. She told me I had my stomach pumped and that the liquid would help clean out more of the poison. I asked to be unstrapped and she said it was for my own good. I was in hell!

I don't know how much time passed before someone found me and I woke up. Here is what I was told happened. Somehow or other I had opened the door to the hotel room and crawled to the elevator. I was found inside the elevator by a hotel clerk who called an ambulance. Because I had put on my pants with my wallet in my back pocket they could tell whom I was by my drivers license. The hotel let the police and emergency people into my room where they had found the empty sleeping pill bottle. I was taken to the hospital emergency room somewhere in D.C.

Being strapped on that gurney and feeling like my stomach had been turned inside out was not what I had planned. I asked them when I would get out of there and I was told that they were going to send me to a psychiatric facility. They asked me if there was anyone I needed to call and I told them no. I was taken from the hospital to the crazy ward and put into a room. There was no counseling, no explanations, no comfort.

I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Hitting Rock Bottom

2009-07-12T04:51:00.000-07:00

I am so tired this morning. I have been at the theater 7 days straight and today will be the 9th. One more show this afternoon and we get to take a break. Hooray. I am so far behind on everything.

Went to bed last night and our new baby wet the bed the minute we lied down. That was enough to wake us up for another hour.

Yard sales sucked this weekend. Why do people have yard sales when they only have trash to sell? Recycle people!

My Life: With the few items I had packed I started to set a plan in motion. Across the street from where we lived was a small wooded area so I thought I would go hide in the trees and drink myself into a drunken stupor. Then I thought of the bugs and the hard ground.

I finally decided I was running away from home and would just stick my thumb out and go where it takes me. I would leave my car behind and my boy Stryker. I didn't care about the eBay business, the house, or Ken. Hell, I didn't care about me anymore either.

Like a traveling hobo, I stuck out thumb at the first freeway entrance and got a ride within ten minutes. The guy was going to DC and he would drop me off there. Once there I wandered the streets for a bit. I was trying to make a plan in my head but nothing was coming together. I walked to the train station to check out the cost of tickets to Vegas or anywhere else. I was shocked at the prices and I didn't want to spend that much money right away. I needed a plan first.

I then walked to the YMCA in DC so I could get some rest. It was something like 12.00 for the day and you could stay for 8 hours. I layed around and sat around to hatch things out in my head. One thing kept coming up...I hated being alive. I left the Y once it started to get dark.

My next stop was the strip of gay bars I was familiar with. There was a somewhat cheap hotel near by so I rented a room. I left my stuff in the room and went in search of my knight in shinning armour who would take me away from everything and make me happy again. I spent a couple of hours drinking in the bars and no one paid any attention to me. I felt old and ugly. Most gay men are not turned on by men over 40. It's really sad that people can be so superficial. So that night I stayed by myself in the cheap room.

The next day came and I wandered the city like a homeless person. No one pays attention to homeless people and it was like I lived in a world where I was some kind of monster. Other homeless guys would bum cigarettes from me. I gave packs away at a time. My next plan was to do the same thing I did the night before but make it work. I rented a nicer hotel room, cleaned up and didn't drink until much later in the night. 2 AM came and I was alone again. A young man on the street started asking me a bunch of questions so I invited him to my room. I prefer men over 35 and he was not my type at all. We talked a little and did some drinking and drugs and then fell asleep. He was gone the next morning. He used me for what he could get from me.

I was so tired and so bummed out. I had no ego left. I hated myself, I hated Ken, I hated everyone. It was time to change my plan. I stuck out my thumb to get out of the city. Nothing. 2 hours later...nothing. I gave up.

I found my credit card in my bag and went to one of the nicest hotels I could find. I rented a room. It was beautiful and I decided It was going to be the place where I would spend the last minutes of life. I layed everything out. Vodka, pills, cigarettes, and fluffed my pillow and turned on the TV.

I contemplated about leaving a note and decided against it. I so didn't care anymore. My family never came to visit me, My lover hated me, I hated me. Life sucked. I knew Stryker would be ok since Jim was taking care of him. I plopped in front of the TV and watched for hours while drinking vodka and chain smoked. when i finally starting getting to the point where I was feeling tipsy, I took the bottle of sleeping pills and downed the entire contents. Someone would find me dead the next day since I only paid for one night. The last thing I remember was watching "Survivor" on TV. I fell asleep like Marilyn Monroe...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Today Juicy, Yesterday Hell

2009-07-04T04:22:00.000-07:00

This is Juicy. Scott and I went to the animal shelter on Thursday July 2nd to rescue a baby from jail. She is 7 months old and adorable. She has had all her shots, spayed and micro chipped. Cost to us was only $25.00. I am so happy we could give her a good home and have a chance at a happy life. Our other girls are getting along with her just fine.

Juicy slept with us last night and she had her head on my pillow most of the night. How anyone could put such a wonderful creature in a shelter, I don't know.

Today we are heading to a Fourth of July Party and tomorrow I have a full day of rehearsal for Tartuffe. Busy weekend again.

My Life: I have this huge scar on my stomach from where they removed the appendix. Since it had burst, they had to cut a much bigger hole than usual. Even though I am still in a lot of pain, I have to get back to work. While I was in the hospital, Ken got Jim to help him with the computer side of the business. He had no idea how to do any of it and he refused to learn. He said it was too hard. If anything happens to me, Ken would have to find a real job.

After working another few months long and hard we decided to go to Vegas. It was Ken who decided this more than me. I had no say since I really didn't have any money. He was in charge of all our finances. I was excited at the thought of free alcoholic beverages and slot machines.

We spent a week in Vegas and saw shows and did a little bit of gambling. Ken pretty much put all of it on a credit card. One of the cards I was totally responsible for. I didn't know it at the time but I was thousands of dollars in debt. I pretty much stayed drunk the whole vacation and Ken treated me like a second hand dishrag. we didn't spend much time together and when we did, he told everyone who would listen that he was ashamed of me. The week was one long blur for me. Even the plane ride home I was half drunk.

Back on the home front things started to get even worse. Ken was a very moody person and had no problem taking it out on me. The littlest things would set him off. If a bill came in the mail, he would be mad a me all day. If I undercharged a customer by a few cents he would tell me I was a horrible business person. This was the worst relationship I had ever been in and I felt trapped.

I would hide bottles of booze because I didn't want Ken to know exactly how much I was drinking. When he would find one, more hell for me. I didn't know it at the time but he was watering down my bottles of vodka. I guess I drank even more because of that. I wanted to hide from him on a daily basis. When we went out in public together I would have to put on a happy facade. If I didn't, there would be hell to pay. His torture was all mental. I was so susceptible because I lost my identity and I no longer loved myself. I really had begun to feel like I wanted to die. I had no self worth.

Ken was itching to go on another vacation. I had no money and told him we couldn't afford to go anywhere. He was spending our money at bingo and using credit cards to pay for things like electricity for our home. I already owed over $10,000 on one card alone. He didn't care and told me he was going to take a 3 day vacation by himself to Atlantic City. He left in his car on Friday and told me he would be back the following Monday.

My head was spinning. This was my chance to do something. I had no where to go and no money. I was ashamed at whom I had become. I called Jim to see if he would look after Stryker Dog if I went away for the weekend and he said he would. Stryker was my only companion at the time.

I packed a bag with cigarettes, a pillow, one pair of underwear, a clean shirt, a clean pair of pants, vodka, toiletries and a full bottle of sleeping pills that I had stolen from Ken...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Today

2009-06-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

I just want to break out of the usual today and explain a little about me. I've been thinking (which can be dangerous) about what I have written so far and about who I am. Those who have read everything up to this point know more about me than my blood family. I have never been the type of person to tell all. The story so far is the edited version when it comes to sex, politics and religion. I figured I can add more once I am done with round one.

Some who have been reading say "What a life" or "You've been through so much". So many people don't know all the physical pains I have because I don't express them. I hate to be a whiner. To me, I have whined alot in my written words and maybe that is because I needed an outlet. I am not one to look for sympathy and I still have a hard time asking for any kind of help.

I feel that everyone has had an interesting life in one way or another. You may think mine is bizarre, to you, but I'm sure I would feel the same about your life. Whether you lived a clean cut life or were raised by wolves, it is without a doubt, the life you had to cope with. We have all suffered loss and sadness but we cannot forget the happiness we have seen.

I went to see a play last night that had a friend of mine in it. I was in terrible pain but it was worth the 2 hours of sitting there watching because I was happy on the inside knowing that I had good friends that mean so much to me.

This morning I'm not 100% but I will give what I can to make the day a good one. Next week, I will be out of town and will not write on Sunday. Maybe I will get some done during the week. I am so close to reaching the present.

Quickie My Life: I woke up in the hospital after having my appendix removed. I didn't even know they had operated. Ken was there but I felt so alone. I just wanted to go home and have a drink! I stayed in the hospital for 4 days or so and I had no visitors. People tend to avoid alcoholics. I got back home and began drinking even heavier than before...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Swamped

2009-06-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

Today: I am swamped with stuff to sell from my 2 clients and myself. The basement is loaded with sports action figures, music cd's, wreastling memrobilia, doll house furniture and lots of other stuff. I painted the upstairs bathroom last night because Scott tried to do it and then had to leave for his show. I can't stand anything like that unfinished.

I go into full swing rehearsals starting tomorrow. The first audience will be on 7-9-09 at Vpstart Crow in Manassas. I get so stressed by my lines to memorize.

My Life: I had to talk to Ken about the "I love you". I had to figure out where Stryker and I were going to go. Ken pretty much told me that he was very in love with me and that I could move in with him. He lived in an apartment complext that didn't allow dogs. I told him I would NOT live anywhere that wasn't animal friendly. He told me that it would be temporary and that we could get a place together to rent. It was beginning to sound like it might work.

I had another court date with the disabilty hearing and when it came to my turn to testify I totally broke down crying. Bad stress always makes the pain more intense and I just balled my eyes out when the judge asked me about my diagnosis with HIV and neuropothy. He approved my SSDI. That meant medical coverage to get treatment! YES!!!!

That same week, I moved in with Ken. I loaded all my stuff up by myself and moved. No one helped me, not Jim or anyone. We had to find a place soon because the complex was going to find out about Stryker since I had to walk him a few times a day to go potty. Plus there were lots of kids that liked to play outside near us.

Ken and I looked for a place quickly and found one in South Arlington. It was a 2 Bedroom home with 2 flights and a basement. I could set up my eBay in the business and Ken could keep his living quarters clutter free. (Did I mention that Ken was a clean freak). There was a big enough yard for my baby to run outside and pee. It was an ideal home and the rent was cheap. The owner was gay and just wanted the mortgage covered so he didn't charge much more than that.

Ken had a lot of beautiful furniture and collectibles. The house was beautiful once he had it decorated. Now we had to make a little more money to afford the electric, water, gas and all to run a house. Ken was dealing cocaine and I was on SSDI. I supplemented our income with eBay to pay for food. SSDI is not enough for anyone to live on. I also did a lot of Ken's cocaine to ease the pain.

That October I was turning 42. We decide to have a house warming, birthday party and halloween party all in one. I don't remember a lot of the part since I got so wasted I blacked out. I dressed as a zombie who woke up in the morgue. I ended up as a living zombie passed out in bed.

My doctor had given me all kinds of pain killers but none of them seemed to work very well. I know now that many medications do not work if you drink alcohol. And I drank! I started buying vodka by the case again. That way, I wouldn't have to leave the house for a week at a time. I would get up and start eBaying and drinking with a hit of coke here and there. Ken would clean house and pack up anything that needed to be shipped out.

We weren't making enough money and we had to find better products to sell. We would go to the mall and look for closeout sales. One day we stopped in Spencer Gifts and met the manager. She looked just like Helen Hunt. Ken was a charmer when it came to speaking to people. he could get anyone to like him. Spencer Gifts always had sales and Ken got the manager to give him even bigger discounts on their closeout items by purchasing in bulk. She would call us anytime something was marked down and we would have first shot at it. Ken put it all on his credit card.

The money from the cocaine would go back into buying more cocaine. The money from my SSDI and eBay would go into the home and food. What I didn't know was Ken was only paying the minimum on the credit card and the debt was getting bigger every month.

I sat in front of the computer, in pain, up to eight hours a day. I did it for us. We would get calls from eBay saying that we were one of the most valuable sellers they had. We were the Spencer store on line and people bought most everything. This was before eBay became a mega business. We were even invited to their first conference in DC and they paid for our tickets.

We took our first vacation that next year and went to DisneyLand in Florida. We went to Universal Studios and Sea World. Stayed for a week and had a blasT. We vowed we would go on vacation once a year. Our next stop was going to be Vegas.

Back at home, we decided to go play bingo one night. We found a place in Annandale, VA and went. They had these tickets called rip offs, pulloffs that were had many instant winners. Ken hit 500.00 that first time and we were hooked from there on out. He loved to play and I loved it too. We started to meet some of the regulars and it soon became our only social night out.

One night just before bingo, my stomach was hurting really bad. I felt cramped and bloated and was in major pain. Ken kept bugging me to go to bingo. I kept telling him I was in pain. He said he would take me to the hospital. He took me to the mergency room and dropped me off at the door. Told me was going to go play bingo and to call him when I was done.

I waited in the emrgency room for over an hour and no one would see me. When they finally gave me a bed to lie down, my appendix burst...

Love & Peace,
Clayton

WeSell Hell

2009-06-07T04:28:00.000-07:00

Today: I went to Williamsburg Friday to help my step dad set up for his yard sale in three weeks. I spent the first night with my sister and it was redneck heaven. Drunks, smokers, dope heads and karaoke. Of all of these, I sang. The next day I priced a lot of his stuff and put my mothers dollhouse up on eBay. By 4:00 I was exhausted and drove home. I am still very tired today and Scott and I are going to a birthday party for a close friend. It will be nice to relax but I am behind again on my work. I don't know how people go on vacation anymore?

I also stopped by Jim's daughters house just to say hello. She gave me a bunch of his DVDs to sell on eBay. This is going to be a short chapter.

My Life: Here I am ready to sue WeSell. The lawyers say they want to have a meeting. We have court in a few hours and my lawyer tells me they want to settle out of court. I sit down with my lawyer and he tells me if we go to court we may or may not win. He says that WeSell did not follow government guidelines for paying me for all the hours that I worked. I was not a salary position and they took advantage of me. They used me like slave labor and the proof was in my time cards and with the award they had given me for employee of the quarter. He also told me that it would be hard to prove that H.R. had broken the confidentiality agreement. I had kept very good records but there was a lot of he said, she said. The witnesses weren't reliable since they still worked at WeSell and we could not count on them to tell the truth.

I thought it all over and decided that we should settle out of court. The lawyer would ask for an amount and bring it to WeSell and see if they agreed. As much as I wanted the world to know how horrible I was treated by these people, I needed the money to survive. WeSell agreed to the amount and I had to sign a paper saying I would never disclose the name of their company with this law suit. So I was not allowed to talk about them ever again and I came out of the ordeal with a one year salary. My lawyer took almost half. There was nothing more I could do.

During all of this time I was out of work, I had applied for social security disability. I got turned down even though my doctor said I could not work as much as I used to be able to. I applied again. The pain increases every year and just gets worse.

I kept selling stuff on eBay and I got Ken Danfelt to help me out. Ken would come by the house with his stuff and we would sell it together. We would also go yard sailing together. Jim didn't much like this but he was asleep until after noon everyday. Ken and I were seeing more and more of each other. We were also doing a lot of cocaine. It was such a weakness of mine. The coke would numb me from pain and emotions. I was also still drinking and told Ken I was an alcoholic. He accepted me for who I was. I told myself I wasn't going to fall in love with him.

One day as I was dropping Ken off at his place he got out of the car and before he shut the door he said "I love you". He then rushed off. Now what? I went back home and Jim was telling me that he didn't want to live in a loveless household anymore and that we needed to go our separate ways.

Here I am torn as to what I should do. Ken's in love with me, Jim hates me and I have my little Stryker dog. I'm in pain all the time and am killing that with drugs and booze. If I move in with Ken, I cannot bring Stryker - NOT. I can't afford to move into my own place or keep this place if Jim moves out. I have another court date for disability coming up soon and I don't feel good about that. At this point in my life I totally feel like a useless human being and things were going to get worse.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

In

They did what????

2009-05-31T04:47:00.000-07:00

Now: I am going to see Scott's show today at Dominion Stage, "Jeffrey". He opened on friday with success. I just hope I will like it because I am not a very good liar. Next weekend I plan on going down to Williamsburg to help my stepdad get ready for his yard sale which I'm going to be running on the last weekend in June.

Busy learning lines, eBaying, cleaning house, yard work and all of that. Not a lot of new to report.

My Life: WeSell, where I work, is getting harder for me everyday. I have to stand a lot and do a lot of walkiing to get my job done. My legs aren't co-operating and are screaming at me. I have a high tolerance for pain and I keep on working. I do, however go to the HR office and have a chat with the manager. He tells me that everything I say is confidential like a lawyer - client contract. This prompts me to open up to him about everything, almost.

I tell him that I have been HIV+ for many years and that I don't have the energy I used to have. I disclose to him that I have been diagnosed with Neuropothy and my legs hurt all the time. I tell him that I will be setting up docto'rs appointments and will probably need some time off in the near future. He tells me that is no problem and that I needn't worry.

On the home front, I am dating Ken and still living with Jim. Ken comes by the house everyday and we do eBay together. He doesn't know how to do anything on the computer so he helps with packing things up and shipping.

About Ken: He is a neat freak. Everything in it's place and a place for everything. He likes his cocaine but doesn't drink at all. He seems to be one of the nicest people around and is almost always happy. He is totally infatuated with me.

At this point in my life I am not looking for another relationship. I am drinking heavily and doing cocaine with Ken. The pain gets worse and Jim keeps spying on my every move.

The week after I went to HR at WeSell, some of the employees started to avoid me and would no longer talk to me. I was being stared at by the secretaries. Even some of the people who talked to me everyday now avoided any contact with me. I knew something was wrong so I went back to HR. I explained to him what was going on and I saw the fear in his eyes. He told me that he had told the owners of the company about my problems. My world began to crumble. Both owners, although married, were having affairs with their assistants. The assitants were good friends with other employees. Tell the owner something and everyone finds out.

Only one person in the office would really speak to me. Her name was Maria Scorsinelli and she was from Trinidad-Tobago. She was a closeted lesbian because she was afraid that WeSell would fire her if they found out she were gay. She told me that the entire office knew I was HIV+ and that they were all afaid that I was going to give them AIDS.

By this era, the truth about AIDS and HIV had been discovered and through education everyone knew how it was transmitted. You couldn't get it by just being around someone who had it. There had to be an exchange of body fluids or sharing needles. No by sitting on a toilet seat or drinking from a cup!! This didn't stop the predjudice and stigma that came from being HIV+.

I couldn't get any work done at WeSell so I called a lawyer. We met and I told him what had happened and he took my case. Should I win a law suit he would recieve %40 of my take. Should I lose I would only pay a few thousand for his services. He told me I had a good case so I took him on. He told me the case would only take a couple of months from beginning to end.

The one problem I had was no one at WeSell would be a willing witness on my behalf. Not even Maria, whom I couldn't blame her for not wanting to. I documented everything for a week. I made copies of my files and hours I put in since I had started with them. By the end of the second week, I couldn't bare it anymore. The silence at WeSell was deafening. I walked out and never looked back.

Ken and I started going to yardsales together and buying everything we could to sell on eBay. The auction business was booming. We would get big bucks for crappy stuff. I would spend most of my nights with Ken. We got along fabulously.

The court date came...

Today: Sorry, I just got a new client to sell some stuff and he wants me to come to his home right away to pick it all up. Seems he needs his garage empty immediately. Thank god I had business cards with me yesterday as I was yard saleing.

Love & Peave,

Clayton

I want out!

2009-05-24T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today: Nothing much new to say. Trying to learn my lines for the show I am in. Yard sales were few this weekend so not a lot of new products for me to sell. I'll be working on the garage today to get that cleaned out some more. At least I'm feeling better.

My Life: When Jim and I moved into the new home in Alexandria I started drinking heavily again. Since the drugs were less I added more alcohol. I really didn't like myself very much. I thought I was a happy drunk and I did everything I could to please everyone around me. That wasn't working because Jim would get angry about my consumption of booze. I am the type of person that will hide his emotions when upset. The silent angry type. That doesn't help in any relationship.

I started going out at night to the "Eagle" in D.C.. I avoided being around Jim as much as possible. When we did cross paths, all we did was fight. He was constantly harping on me. He would get on my computer and track all the websites and chat rooms I had been in. He knew how to find everything on it and he stole my privacy from me. I know that relationships are built on love & trust but we were both breaking the rules. He spyed on me and I cheated on him. He began to cheat on me too. It wasn't pretty.

One morning I had a hangover so bad that I was taking a shower and fell in the tub. My neck missed the edge of the tub by inches and I slammed my shoulder instead. It hurt really bad but I have a high tolerance for pain. Jim slept through the fall. He never got out of bed before 1PM anyway. So I drove to work and checked in with my staff. As I was talking to someone about the fall my shoulder made a large cracking noise. They cringed and told me to go to the hospital. I drove there and had an x-ray done. Broken in 3 places. I wore a cast for 4 months or so.

Healed from the shoulder, my body started making it's own changes. I began feeling a pins and needles like sensation in my legs. I was wearing down and had no energy. My muscles hurt and I became depressed. I couldn't stand as much and had to sit often. I went to the doctor's office and he couldn't find anything wrong with me other than being HIV+.

My routine was: I drank. I did more drugs. I fought with Jim. I drank. I went to the gay bar. I drank. I picked up men. I barely went to work. I hurt, so I drank more.

Jim and I were all but through. We just lived together. I wanted to move but I didn't have the funds to do so.

A friend from work introduced me to eBay and I gave it a try. I started out with a mermaid troll doll that I had purchased at a yard sale for a dollar. It was in mint condition and I sold it on eBay for $75.00. I was hooked. I had found a new way to help pay for my drinking, smoking and drug habits.

The pain in my body was getting worse and I would go in for tests on a regular basis. Finally there was a test where they hooked up these electrodes to my legs and turned on a machine that would shock me. When they did this to me, I felt nothing. There wasn't any feeling of shock. They hooked it up to my upper leg and I felt it. I was stunned. The lower portion of my legs seemed to be asleep most of the time. The doctor told me I had peripheral neuropathy. The nerves in my legs were dying. No wonder I couldn't stand as long as I had used to. They gave me a medication called neuronton and told me I should feel relief in about 6 weeks.

I was so lost in my own mind. I wanted out! I wanted out of my relationship! I wanted out of my house! I wanted out of my life! I began to hate going to work because of the pain! The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my dog Stryker.

Then I met Ken Danfelt at the Eagle bar...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

WeSell Bliss

2009-05-17T04:13:00.000-07:00

It's cold and rainy outside. Rain makes my legs hurt worse than they already do. I picked up a lot of stuff at yard sales yesterday so I have a lot to do on eBay today. Gotta make that grocery money.

Scott is back to his normal self again. Feeling better, so I guess all the new medications are working. I, on the other hand, have been feeling a bit on the wrong sides of the tracks. My legs have been acting up terribly, I'm gaining weight and getting headaches. I guess I am going to have to make another doctor appointment. Mentally I'm great.

My Life: Two of Jim's best friends were Janice & Rishi. They are the nicest lesbian couple I have ever met. Janice is American Indian and Rishi is a love child who reads astrological charts. We became good friends too. I took them to see Carol Channing when she was in town again and got back stage passes for them. They were in total awe.

We got our first computer and began learning everything we could. Of course the first thing we took to were chat rooms. There we could meet other gay people who didn't hang out in bars and talk to strangers like we had known them forever.

During those first years with Jim, I had more friends and felt so loved. It wasn't going to last. The landlord decided to keep raising the rent and Jim and I couldn't afford to stay. Jay & Kenny, out of the blue, didn't want anything to do with us anymore. We had been doing too much cocaine and now we had to move. My job wasn't promoting me like I thought they would so I was looking for another one. Something uppper mangement.

The first thing we did was give up the coke. Then we found a home in Alexandria that was owned by a friend of Jim's. The move was amazing. Whitman Walker Clinic gathered up about 25 volunteers and they all came by and moved us in. It was one of those two story homes with a basement. Kinda small but looked great at first. Once we were moved in, we felt a little cramped.

I had an interview that year with a new and upcoming telemarketing company. I am not allowed to say their name in my writings so I will call them WeSell. (more about that later) WeSell hired me as a sales manager after the second interview. I had asked for full health coverage from day one and a nice salary. Impressed by my sales abilities and past, they gave me the job. I was to keep the people on the floor motivated and give them expertise on how to close a sale. I ran contests for them, did schedules, hired, fired and kept track of sales volumes. It was a job I really enjoyed.

Home life was changing too. We had two computers at home. One for Jim and one for me. They were both set up in the same room. Jim would spend all day and night on his and the house was fallinig apart. I was working 50 hour weeks and didn't want to come home and clean all night. I did the best I could but it gets to the point where it becomes futile. I was beginning to hate where I lived but I loved my job.

Within months, I applied for a trainers position at WeSell. I had done so well with my staff that they promoted me to a salary job. I put together training manuals, wrote sales scripts, taught all the new employees when they came in the door and everyone on updates as needed. The company expanded to two locations and I trained everyone at the second location too. I worked my ass off. One quarter I was named employee of the quarter and recieved a $500.00 check, a new ski coat and trophy as well as recognition on their wall of fame. I really loved this job. People looked up to me and said I was one of the nicest and best trainers they had ever had.

Then I got sick...

Love & Peace,
Clayton

Do I Look Like an Old Woman?

2009-05-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the director of the 3 man Dracula show and he told me I wasn't cast. He told me who got each role and he cast the worst actor in the biggest part. I really believe it was cast on looks and not ability. Anyway, I wasn't heartbroken.

Monday night I had an audition for "Tartuffe" at Vpstart Crow. It's not a very good play but they are setting it in the 1980's and plan on camping it up. The theater also pays their actors a small stipend. The audition was fun and on Wednesday I got the call that they wanted me to play the old woman role. They thought it would be hysterical. Sort of Bea Arthur meets Joan Collins. I just know I will make one ugly woman so I took the role. It opens in July so more on that later.

Scott has been battling fever and sinus attacks again. We went to two different emergency rooms this week. He is home and stable and recovering. I get so worried about him.

Today is house cleaning, grass mowing and eBaying. I really could use an assistant or maid. Come to think of it, how about a million dollars and a vacation? Ah, it is nice to dream.

My Life: I found a job almost immediately in Tyson's Corner. It was...wait for it...
Time Life Libraries again! Selling books, CD's over the phone. All those collections you used to see on TV were the ones I called people about. There was a quota to be met every week and I was always at the top of my game. This was an easy job for.

Living with Jim and Stryker was fun those first couple of years. We did a lot of cocaine but I didn't do a lot of drinking. Oh. I drank but moderately. Our friends Jay and Kenny would come by all the time and we played cards and snorted our brains out. I even got Kenny a job at Time Life. We were the best of buds.

I had also met Tony during this time. He was a few years younger than me and a friend of Jims. When ever I went to the bars I would wear my motorcycle leather and Tony wanted to try some on one night. Once I put my jacket on him, he was hooked. He looked good too. We would go to the Eagle in DC and hang out. Tony asked me one night if I would enter into the Mr. Leather contest with him. He pretty much wanted me as his security blanket. I said yes even though I didn't think I could beat him.

There were 15 entries into the contest and I was lucky number 13. It was broken down to the final five and both Tony and I were still standing. It was quite intense. The interview process was done by a bunch of leather guys who did a lot for the gay community. Tony came in 4th and I came in 3rd. It was fun. The next year, Tony would win the Mr. Eagle contest. I was so proud of him. He would also end up doing porn magazines and not the better ones. Today Tony is 5'5" and weighs around 300 pounds.

These were happier times for me. I loved going to Gay Pride every year, hanging out with friends and snorting coke. My job was awesome and I had started to train the newcomers. I was moving up in the company, I thought.

Then this new thing called the home personal computer with Internet came along...

Love and Peace,
Clayton

The Beginning of an End

2009-05-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

I went to an audition yesterday in Falls Church, VA for a play that will be in the "Fringe Festival" this year. It is called Count Dracula's Cafe and it reads well with a Dracula that is my age. At the audition the Director put me down on more than one occasion. He said I was the worst singer he had ever heard (I only sang one line), he said I was going bald and that I had to grow hair in the back because I couldn't in the front. He thought the worst actor auditioning was the best actor there. There were only 4 of us and I know I didn't suck that bad.

With Scott gone almost every night directing his show and my closest friends passing away or moving, it's getting a little lonely. I haven't found any new friends since we've moved. Every audition has gone bad this year. Business is way down and I am feeling the burn.

Today I will make a GREAT day. It is time to clean out some more stuff so look out eBay this week!

My Life: Jim sent me the tickets to Orlando. I just told Ken that a friend invited me on a trip for a week and left. I wasn't at all concerned if Ken cared. I just left. When I got to Orlando, Jim picked me up and we went to the resort he was staying at. It was one of those fancy "gay" resorts. Jim and I did a lot of cocaine that week. He didn't drink but he bought me vodka.

Jim had bought me a speedo bathing suit and asked me if I would wear it to the pool. I had a hot body at the time and did so with pleasure. I was feeling sexy as hell that week, being cruised by all the men. I never wanted to leave.

The last day of the trip, Jim gave me a present. It was my first CD boom box. I was still listening to cassettes back then. I was overwhelmed with joy. Music was the one thing that took me away from my troubles. Jim then took me to the store and purchased a bunch of my favorite music. We went back to the resort and talked. I told him that I still loved him and that I had always loved him since the first time we had met. He said he loved me too and that I should move back to Virginia with him. I was all for it. I hated where I was in my life and was ready to go. Jim said he would rent a van and drive down to get me and my stuff.

I got back to Ken's house in Ocala and started to pack. I had no problem telling Ken that I was moving away and taking Stryker with me. I told him Jim would be here by the end of the week. That week, I hardly saw Ken at all. Jim arrived, we packed the van full and we left without looking back. I was exhausted!

We checked into a hotel the first night and I called my mom and dad to let them know where I was. My dad informed me that my mother was in the hospital and not doing well. Everyone thought she wasn't going to make it this time. Jim asked me if I wanted to visit on the way back and of course I said yes. She lived in Williamsburg which is only a couple hours from Arlington.

When we got to the hospital I almost lost it. My mother looked so weak and frail. I whispered in her ear that if she wanted to go that we would be fine. That night she began to get well again. She was a fighter! I told her about Jim and she seemed pleased.

Jim and I got back to his place. It was an apartment complex that didn't allow dogs. I refused to give up Stryker so Jim said we would look for a place to live together. Jim didn't have a job back then. He collected social security because of AIDS and he sold cocaine to supplement his income. He had sold his life insurance policy because he thought he wasn't going to live long and used most of the money for the trip in Orlando. I had no job and had no idea what I was going to do. We looked for a place to live.

Remember the house I lived in with all those guys in Arlington? Well, Jim and I rented the house across the street from it. 2 Story with a big yard. The upstairs was one big room and Jim allowed me to do want I wanted with it. I turned it into ClaytonLand. It was a reflection of my personality and all of my quirkiness.

A few of Jim's friends were very wary of me, thinking I was a taker. Others accepted me into their lives. Janice & Rishi, a lesbian couple, took to me immediately as did Kenny and Jay. 3 gay couples, lots of cocaine and booze, we would play cards and just hang out.

During the first week, Ken would call me every night and cry for me to come back to Florida. He said he was sorry and that he missed and loved me. It was heartbreaking to listen to him but I stood strong and told him what was done was done. he would write letters after that, that I never responded to. Finally those stopped coming too. I have not, to this day, talked to him again.

That first month in Arlington, Jim took me to see the AIDS quilt in D.C. It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen. I found a few of my friends names on the quilt. Even found my own name, although it wasn't made for me. It was so emotionally overwhelming that I just collapsed on the ground. I will never, ever forget that feeling.

Now, with all the extra cocaine that was going in my nose, Jim insisted that I find a job. Here we go again...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Hello Goodbye

2009-04-26T04:22:00.000-07:00

Today: My dear friend and ex lover Jim passed away Thursday night at around 9:30 PM. I was there with him and his family. He had called me the night before to tell me he had congenial heart failure and internal bleeding. The doctor's said he would pass in a matter of 1-2 days. So I drove down to say goodbye. Jim will be a significant part of "My Life" in future chapters.

My Life: So I am back to having one job and having a hard time finding anything else. The paycheck is too small and I need work. I would check the paper everyday for anything. It's tough to get a job in Florida if you don't speak spanish. Then the ad caught my eye. ELETROLUX. I know it sounds horrible but I thought it would be a piece of cake. My mother used to sell Electrolux vaccuum cleaners at one time and she always said they were the best.

I went to the company and applied for the job. They hired me immediately and said they would give me classes on the cleaners. The classes consisted of tearing the machines apart, cleaning them and putting them back together, and all the awesome features. The biggest don't with a cleaner is "Never suck up and water". It voids the warrenty. I was told the job was commission only and thought I could sell the crap out of them. Once I learned how much they cost, I wasn't so sure. During class I met Joan & Butch ( a mother and son team). They would become friends of mine during this stage in my life.

Joan was the most overweight woman I had ever befriended. Her son was a very tall, big redneck. They like to drink, cuss and do drugs. I fit in perfectly even though I was never much on cussing.

So here I am trying to sell these vaccuums and not doing so well. I think I sold one the first week and another within the first month. The commission was about 100.00 per cleaner so I wasn't making very much money. We had a new boss take over our store and he was a convicted felon who had just gotten oout of jail. Kind of a scary guy yet attractive. Whenever he was around me he would always talk about how pretty his wife was. I found that strange. Then one day he shows me her picture and asks me if I would like to fuck her. I know my mouth hit the floor and since no one knew at Electrolux that I was gay, I said she was very attractive and that I would have sex with her if she weren't married to the boss. I'm not sure what happened next so I'll tell it the best I can.

The boss man told me his wife was out of town and that he wasn't getting any. He kept telling me how horny he was and that while he was in jail he had plenty of BJ's from men. It didn't bother him at all. He said men did a better job than women anyway. I knew what he was going for. He told me that if I took care of him, he would give me the best territories for sales. So I did him right there in his office.

Even though I was sent out to the better area, I didn't make many more sales. I would average 2 a month. The second month I met the boss's wife and she really was pretty. She asked me if I was interested in a 3-way with her and her husband. I said yes even though I wasn't. After meeting her, the following week he asked me to meet him at an address during the day. I found it and it was a hotel where he wanted me to "Take Care" of him again. I did and he gave me a job making phone calls to set up appointments for the other sales reps. He said he would pay me something like 5.00 per appointment. Since I knew I had mad skills on the phone, I thought this would work out perfect.

I lasted another week calling people from the phone book. Cold calls are not what I thought I had signed up. I thought I would be given leads. Plus the phone I used was right next to you know whos office and he wanted more than just appointments made. I couldn't deal with it and finally quit the job. Sexual harrassment laws were harder to prove back then and male on male harassment was very embarrassing. Today I wouldn't hesitate to file a claim.

Although I still have a job with Time Life, it's not enough. I helped Linda have a sale of her stuff and she paid me some. I did odd jobs here and there. And at night, I would drink myself into oblivion. Occasionaly doing drugs with either Linda, Hector, Joan, Butch or Ken. The one constant was my dog Stryker. Always there for me.

One day Glenn, Ken's 9 yo son had come to house and I caught him choking Stryker in the back yard. If I hadn't walked in on him, he would have killed my baby. I imediately went to Ken and told him what I saw and Ken ssid I was lying and that Glen would never do such a thing. This is the same kid that would smash his own head against walls and windows if he didn't get his way. He also beat up the other kids in the neighborhood.

I remeber getting really wasted that night and listening to country music. I called my friend Jim in Arlington, VA for advise. I had been friends with him since I was 21 and he was always there for me. He said that he was on his way down to Orlando Florida for a vacation and asked me if I wanted to join him. With no hesitation, I said YES! He would send me the plane ticket to meet him at the motel in florida. Now all I had to do was tell Ken...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Another Job

2009-04-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

My Life: This was the time in my life That I went through a lot of jobs. The pay was really poor at Time Life and I worked the afternoon shift. Since I had the mornings free I took another job as a phone solicitor selling credit card protection. It was part time and in the mornings. Talk about a scam! I hated this job a lot. Smoke filled room with 30 or so phones and stacks of cards. Pay was commission only. It was a hard sell and I sold a enough of the product to warrant my first paycheck of about $200.00.

I also had met a young woman there who thought I was a CJ special. I asked her what that meant and she told me "Cream your Jeans Special". I think she was in her early 20's and I wasn't at all interested. I don't even remember her name.

When I went to work that first payday, the doors to the building were locked and there was a note on the door telling everyone that they were closed until further notice. I wanted my money!!!! There must have been 20 or so of us outside the building trying to figure out what to do. Some phone numbers were exchanged, including mine to the CJ girl.

When I got home the CJ girl called me to ask what I was going to do. I told her I would call the owner of the company and get back to her. I researched all the business information I could and came up with the number. I called the owner and he said that he didn't have the funds to pay anyone right away but was going to get them and pay us all off. I was stunned that someone would not pay their employees and knew he was lying. When I finished the call to him I immediately got back on the phone and called the local television station.

That evening on the 6 o'clock news I saw the story. It seems the TV station went out the beginning of the next shift and filmed employees not getting into the building. They reported that they were still trying to contact the owner. While watching this I got a phone call. It was the CJ girl. She started asking me strange questions, like what would I like to do with her in bed and the such. I told her I was seeing someone else and she told me that she had driven by my home and saw me alone through the front windows watching TV. How did she get my address? She had followed me from the job earlier that day. I had heard of stalkers before but never thought it would happen to me. Just the feeling of someone watching you without you being aware is creepy. I told her so too.

I had mornings and nights available to do what I could to get the money owed me. To me it was a lot since I was so poor back then. I called the BBB, the law and anyone who would listen. Within a week I got a call from the owner of the scam company and he said he had cut me a check and that I should lay off him. All my hard work had paid off and I received the money in a matter of days. I cashed it and it didn't bounce. Whew!

In the meantime CJ girl kept calling me. She wouldn't take no for an answer. I lived inside my home with curtains drawn closed at all times. I told her I got paid and that she should put her energy into calling the owner and leave me alone. She finally quit calling. Thank God!

During this whole ordeal, Ken didn't raise a finger to help. He was too busy with his own personal stuff. He was more of a visitor to me than a lover. On occasion he would come to the house and we would talk or even have sex. One time he invited this really hot guy over and while having a 3 way, he filmed it. He didn't ask my permission, he just started filming. I was young and didn't protest and after all, the other guy was HOT! I don't know what happened to that film. ARGH!

That next week I found another life changing job...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

103.8

2009-04-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

That temperature should read 103.8 in the previous entry

Past & Present

2009-04-12T05:26:00.000-07:00

Scott was in the hospital for 3 days. He came home from his first rehearsal with a fever. It slowly reached 13.8 so I took him to Prince William Hospital. It seems he had a massive sinusitis attack. The doctors pumped him full of fluids and antibiotics. He's home now and safe.

Scott's parents and aunt left Thursday afternoon. It was hard to have 3 extra people in our home for 8 days but we managed. I am baffled at how the 3 of them used up a 6 month supply of toilet paper during their stay? Nice people, though set in their ways and very verbal about what they stand for.

Today is Easter and we are going to a friends house for the hunt of the elusive colored eggs! I'm going to make monkey bread for everyone.

My Life: Ah, Time Life Libraries. I was pretty good at this job too. I quickly became of the phone reps that were on top consistently. I was very outgoing at the time so it was easy for me. While there I met Linda F. She was a divorced mother of one. Her daughter was as cute as a button. Linda didn't have many friends as she was new to the area. We started to see each other on the side. She was a pretty woman with very large breasts and we would hang out at my place without Ken and get drunk. We would also have safe sex. At least I was getting it from somewhere. I was still gay but I really liked Linda.

I also met Hector at Time Life. He and his brother came to work there at the same time. His brother looked like one of those guys on the cover of a romance novel. Hector was a little older and more rugged looking. He was the father of one and one on the way. He really turned me on.

Hector's brother was getting all the attention at work so I asked Hector if he wanted to come by my place for a drink. He was a friendly outgoing kinda guy and came over that night. Once there, he asked me if I was seeing Linda and if we like 3 ways. I told him I was and that I never asked Linda (even though she knew I was gay).
Without much hesitation, I made a move towards him. He was very open to the idea and we had sex. We became fuck buddies.

Now I have Ken who is supposed to be my lover. I'm dating Linda & Hector. I also go to the gay bar about 30-40 minutes from where I live to meet other men. I drink every night and do whatever drugs I can find.

In between all this madness I still have yard sales every weekend. I had accumulated so much stuff and I needed to get rid of it.

Also happening during this time was Ken's sister had filed a law suit against his mother. It seemed she thought she was unfit to handle her estate and wanted more land. I had to go do a deposition and tell them what I thought. Basically I told the court that the sister was a money hungry bitch who was trying to steal from her own mother. Ken and his sister became bitter enemies and he spent most every day and night with his mother.

I started to get more depressed. Linda was going to move to North Carolina and Hector was going to marry his pregnant girlfriend. I would lock myself in the house and drink, listening to country music. I felt so alone.

Love & Peace
Clayton

Stryker Dog

2009-04-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

Now: Scott's parents and aunt are in town and staying with us at the moment. I've been really busy cooking and making sure they are comfortable. His dad is really a hoot! The ladies and I went to yard sales today and then I introduced them to Wegman's Grocery Store. Complete and utter awe. They live in Utah and have never seen anything like it before.

Tomorrow we are all going to see Scott in "Something Different" at Eldon Street Players Theater. He's got multiple roles in the show including the old woman. It's a kids show and should be very funny. He really is quite talented. Afterwards is his cast party.

Monday I have a doctor's appointment. Tuesday is working at the consignment shop. Everyday is eBay and cleaning and cooking. I need a break!

My Life: I was at the art gallery about 3 months before I was fired. Christmas time came and I was given one of the most beautiful presents in my entire life. I was at Ken's mother's house and we were all opening our gifts when out came a bubbly little black and white furry Shih Tzu. He came running straight to me and was the happiest littlest puppy ever. He was purchased at one of those horrible breeding homes andcompletely covered in fleas. I had just watched a movie a few days before about a man named Stryker, who had to overcome the odds. That's what I decided to name my new baby, Stryker.

Stryker became my best friend. We went to yard sales together. I once brought him to an outdoor art show and I wore a huge afro wig and proudly showed him off. He took a while to train and he taught me patience and unconditional love. When no one else was there for me, he was. He keep me company through many lonesome nights and days.

Since I had become unemployed, I didn't know what to do next. I looked for work and couldn't find anything. When spring came, Ken gave me $100.00 and told me start my own flea market business. I went to every yard sale I could find and bought everything i could. I opened a booth at the local flea market and learned the business in a matter of weeks. I even sold the pecans from the trees at Ken's mothers farm. It got to the point where I had to have two booths. One for nothing but books and the other for everything else.

I learned about depression glass, carnival glass, toys, pottery, figurines, furniture and much more. I had a passion for this type of thing since I was a child and my mother would take me around on big trash night in our neighborhood to get free things. Then we would sell them. This was my dream job even though it didn't pay very well at times. And, Stryker could come with me.

When winter came, the business slowed drastically! I had to find a consistant paycheck just to keep food in the house. Ken's business was hurting and he barely had any money either. His sister was even sueing his mother for propert rights. To me that was thewrongest thing EVER! To sue your own mother. What kind of family was I involved with here?

I finally landed a job at Time Life Libraries. I was going to call people and have them renew their magazine subscriptions. It was minimum wage with commissions. This job made me drink even more than I already did...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Serial Killers and Hives

2009-03-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

You would think that living in Florida would be wonderful. If America needed a douche, Ocala would be place to insert the hose. I was pulled over by the cops that first month on my way to work. They told me I was speeding and that they would throw me in jail if I didn't get my drivers license changed. I explained I had just moved there and just found a job and would do it the next day. For some reason, they let me go with a warning. Man, they were mean.

Once, and only once, I took a wrong turn into a neighborhood that I wasn't familiar with. Some black guy came chasing after me with a two by four and yelling that I was in his territory and that he would kill me. I avoided that area the rest of my life.

During my lovely stay in Ocala, Eileen Wornos was hitchhiking and killeing the men that picked her up. Plus in Gainesville, not too far from Ocala, at the college some drifter had killed some female students and cut off one of their heads and put it on display. Ah, Florida, The Sunshine State!

I settled into my job at the kitchen store. Although the pay was minimum wage I enjoyed working there. I would do all the stock, inventory, unloading trucks, pricing and my favorite "Window Dressing". We had a drawing the first month we were open and the winner would receive a $500 dollar gift certificate. I entered Ken and his family into the drawing everyday. When a winner was chosen, the first name to come out was unledgeable so they drew again. Ken's sister won the gift certificate. She didn't even offer me any part of the certificate and not even a thank you! What a lovely family.

One day a man came into the store and asked who had done the window displays. I told him that it was me and he said he was really impressed. He owned an Art Gallery in the better part of town and wanted me to come in for an interview.

I decided that I would quit drinking again so I could get the job at the art gallery. When I went in for the interview I told the owner that I was a recovering alcoholic. He was impressed with my resume from North Carolina and my honesty. I was hired and I quit the mall that week.

My new job consisted of framing, ordering of art, and helping customers. On occasion, I would get jobs on the side from women who asked me to come to their home to hang the art for them. I have a natural eye for this sort of thing. Things were beginning to look up again even though I wasn't happy with my home life.

It was easy to stop drinking again because Ken was always at his mother's house or god knows where. I pretty much was alone at home most of the time. When he did come by he usually had his son with him and he would get drunk and pass out.

I wanted more. Then I got it, a bad case of the hives. From the middle of my chest to the middle of my back on the right side. This was the first and only time I got hives. The itching was unbearable and the lotion did calm it down. I had to take off from work. Too much time on my hands lead to one thing. I started drinking again.

When the hives were gone and I was ready to go back to work, I had gotten drunk the night before. I showed up at the art gallery smelling like booze. I couldn't smell it but others could. The boss pulled me aside and asked if I had relapsed. I lied and said no. I told him he was smelling the strange gum I had been chewing. He fired me that day. Drinking makes you do and say stupid things!

Now what??????

Love & Peace,

Clayton

The Florida Sunshine

2009-03-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

My Life: The first week in Florida and I already knew I had made a big mistake. It started out fine. We talked and got to know each other better. I went with Ken everywhere and learned everything about him. He spent a lot of time at the farm where his mother lived. He loved his horses, fed his cows etc. His sister lived on another piece of the farm with her husband. It seemed like one big happy family. His son would come and visit or stay overnight. His ex wife was a dog groomer and seemed nice enough.

Ah, The facade that people show the rest of the world. It would all unravel and I would get caught up in it. One thing at a time here. Ken invited Tony, his best friend, over to the house to meet me. Tony was a nice looking Italian man and Ken had known him for a few years. When Tony got to the house we talked and drank and smoked some weed and before I knew it, Tony & Ken were naked in the living room and going at it. They asked me to join in and I was so shocked I sorta just watched a little and then left the room. This is the first week I am there and I am supposed to be in a relationship with this guy? No warning that the clothes were coming off!

Ken said afterwards that he thought I would enjoy having the 3 way and that he couldn't just break it off with Tony without some kind of warning. That night he had his son over to the house for the weekend. Now, I had never really been around kids before so I didn't know what to expect. His son seemed like a good kid and he had his own room. What could go wrong, right?

When Ken put his kid to bed, we went in the living room and started talking about me getting a job and bringing in some money to help support "The Family". We talked about how Ken visited his mother, often, and how he would spend the night out at the farm. We talked - there was screaming coming from the kids room, we both jumped up to see what was wrong. It seems he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to sleep alone. Ken calmed him down and we went back to the conversation. Screaming again and crying. He was NOT going to sleep alone and did not like that I was taking time away from him and his father. He wanted to sleep with dad!

I don't know if I was jealous or what but I thought at the time that he should sleep in his own room by himself. I felt he was too old to sleep with dad and that dad shouldn't give in to his every whim. I learned that whenever Ken had his son over, I became secondary. Since this was my first encounter with this type of situation, I had a hard time dealing with it. I began to despise the kid.

Within a month of being there, Ken had spent maybe 1 to 2 nights a week with me. The rest he spent at his mothers. I had to find a job to keep from going insane. I looked and applied everywhere. Art galleries, stores, business, anything!!!! Ocala, Florida was small and filthy and just a horrible little city. I did get my first job as a sales clerk at the mall in the kitchen store "Lecthers". I pretty much had to beg to get it and it only paid minimum wage.

I also found out that first month that Ken's sister was milking his mother for everything she was worth. Getting her to sign over her land to her a little at a time and loaning her money and not paying it back etc etc.

Ken's wife was a lesbian and they only married to make their family's think they were straight. They did have sex a couple of times which produced the one son, Glen. While married, Ken would advertise in sex magazines for men. He would have a picture of his manlihood as part of the ads in the magazines. His wife found out and they divorced. They fought constantly and both of them were alcoholics.

To sum this section up: I am an alcoholic who tried to quit drinking but am now lovers with an alcoholic who still drinks. His son is a cry baby who screams when he doesn't get his way, his mother is overweight and needs help doing everything, his sister is money hungry, his ex is angry and also an alcoholic, he still has sex with other guys and spends little time with me. I AM STILL LONELY!

At least I have a job, for now. LOL

Peace & Love,
Clayton

Much Better & Busy again

2009-03-15T05:02:00.000-07:00

I am doing a lot better. It took a while for the bronchitis to completely go away. Now I'm so far behind on everything it's hard to catch up. Plus, Scott has had some kind of flu/cold for the past week.

Today we're going to a birthday party in Arlington and then to see "Falsettos" in Herndon. Scott has rehearsal after that I have to get things done at home. It's going to be an exhausting day.

My Life: I finally came to the point where I had to tell Mitch and Christine that I was moving to Florida. Since they didn't know I was gay I made up a pretty lame excuse. I told them that I had a place to stay for free with free food and medical care if I needed it. Since I had already been condemed for being gay and HIV in the past, I didn't want to lose them as friends by telling them the truth. What a mess I was.

Once it was out that I was leaving, Mitch was furious. Christine was upset and the kids were crying. I started having panic attacks and locked myself in my apartment. I couldn't face them again. That week I rented a trailer to haul my stuff to florida. No one helped me pack and no one came to see me off. I left the apartment in a shambles because not everything fit in the trailor. I got in my car and didn't look back. It was probably one of the dumbest things I had ever done in my life (at that point).

I knew I was making a mistake from the get go. Ken and I weren't compatible in bed, he drank way too much which made me drink, he had a 7 year old son and a mother who needed him for everything. The thing was, I was so lonely for companionship that I thought he could provide it for me. He was, according to him, head over heels in love with me.

It took a couple of days for me to get to Florida since I didn't like driving that far. It really hurts my back to drive more than a few hours at a time. I cried a lot and wondered if Mitch & Christine would forgive me.

When I did get to Florida, Ken was there at the house waiting for me. We unpacked the trailor and got drunk. Looking back on all this, I feel it was the beginning of the end for me. The next couple of years were miserable. More details on that next time.

Love & Peace,
Clayton

ARGH!!!!!!

2009-03-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am screaming! The movie ended up being a big scam. They wanted me to work with the pretense of being paid. When I asked for a contract in writing they fired me. What a joke.

I got bronchitis last week and had to go to the urgent care facility. Antibiotics and cough syrup seemed to do the trick with a faint cough linguring. Last night I started getting sick again and I keep getting small fevers, more coughing and headaches. I hate being sick.

Scott and I just watched Michael Moore's "Sicko" and I am emotionally exhausted. Every American should watch that movie. What an eye opener! It's no wonder we all hate to go to the hospital.

My life: I'm going to be brief since I'm not feeling well. I stayed with Ken for a week. Met his family, ex wife, son and mother. Everyone was so nice to me and it seemed that Ken really had a lot going for him. The big problem was the whole week we both drank a lot. So much for staying clean.

Ken was a landlord (slumlord) with a couple of trailors. His family had lots of property including the farm where his mother lived. He had seperate house that he owned on his own where he told me he lived. By the end of the week, I was so enamered by him. He asked me to quit my job and move in with him. I said I would.

I knew that everything was going to be better for me but I hated having to tell my boss that I was leaving. He did, afterall, give me everything I needed to build a new life and it seemed ungrateful to me that I would just say thanks and goodbye. I know now how selfish I was was and how stupid I could be.

When I got back to N.C.. I went back to work and didn't say anything. I was scared. I would go home and get plastered. Staying cooped up in my apartment. Ken would call every day to ask when I was moving.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Offers From All Around

2009-02-22T05:02:00.000-08:00

My Life: I was getting letters everyday from the ad in the singles magazine. I had offers from California to Michigan to Florida. I responded to every single one of them. I was determined to find Mr. Right. Some of them I had to respond with a thanks but no thanks.

Most of them became pen pals. (I was cleaning out a box yesterday and came across some of the letters I had saved. Talk about timing). One guy really stood out. His name was Ken Proctor and he lived in Ocala Florida. He sent me a picture of him riding a horse on his farm. Quite handsome and really made me curious. He told me he was 42, divorced with a 7 year old son. We wrote back and forth for a month or so and I was starting to fall for him.

At the art gallery, Mitch had given me more responsibilites because he had opened another gallery in Duck, N.C. where he went most days. I was in charge of the main gallery: ordering prints, I framed pictures for sale, chose framing outlines for customers and ran the gallery during the day. Here were milllions of dollars worth of art in my hands. That's how much this guy trusted me.

We had dinner almost every night and then played games with the kids before I went to my night job or bowling league. Deep inside I wanted companionship.

I had written to Ken and told him I was HIV+. Ken sent me a letter and asked me to come visit. So, I asked Mitch if I could take my first vacation. Not only did Mitch say yes, but he paid for the plane ticket. He sent me off with good wishes.

At the airport I was sent to the wrong gate and missed the flight. I complained to the airline and they put me on a different flight and upgraded me to first class. Mistake number one! My first time flying first class...free drinks. I didn't know how to say no to free alcohol. By the time we landed I was a bit tipsy.

Ken picked me up at the airport and I told him I had a few to drink and he was fine with that. he was a little heavier than what he looked in the picture. He looked a little older than 42 too. I told myself to give him a chance. We drove out to his home and we talked and drank vodka. His mother lived close by as well as his sister and her family. His son lived with him on weekends and his ex wife was a lesbian and an alcoholic. He had 3 trailor homes and rented them out. He had cows, horses, chickens and a turkey on his mothers farm. We drank vodka. He didn't have a job that he was paid regularly for. The farm, the rentals and family took up all his time. We drank vodka. He finally told me that he was 50 years old and that he lied because he thought I wouldn't like an older man. First time meeting and already a lie. I should have known. We had sex....

That's all for now. I have to get ready for my movie audition. I got a call last night from P&J films in Maryland. They love my look and are interested in giving me the lead in a horror film that's being promoted by Rob Zombie, Robert Englund and Quinten Tarantino. It's a paid gig and professional. Should be interesting.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Life with Rose

2009-02-15T04:47:00.000-08:00

My Life: Living with Rose was an experience in itself. One of her poodles died shortly after I moved in and I was there to comfort her. We drank to ease the pain. I didn't drink with her every night because I didn't have the money and I had a full time job at the art gallery. Morales Art Gallery was a few miles away and I had to walk to and fro each day. Rose didn't have a car either. Mitch, my boss, would drive me home on occasion.

I started to learn the art business and I was pretty good at it. I had to be careful around the glass cutting device so as not get infect anyone with my blood should I cut myself. (It did happen once and I cleaned it up quickly and without incident). I really liked Mitch and his family. They would invite me to dinner, ask me to stay after work and play games, go to the stores with them. They began to feel like a family to me. I still love them to this day!

Back at the Rose shack another guy had moved into my room. Rose added a bed and needed the money. What a mess she was. She even had a pissing contest outside her house one night to see who could piss the farthest and to my amazement, she won. She would fight with me and the other guy about anything and everything. The world was against Rose. I so wanted out of her house. I was beginning to drink too much again.

Mitch let me know about a one bedroom apartment that had opened up across the street from the Art Gallery. He knew the landlady and got me the place. He even helped me with the deposit. It was a big place and I was very happy. I needed more money to maintain the apartment so I took at job at the Bowling Ally about a mile away. Short walk compared to Rose's home. I would work with Mitch during the day and tend bar or cook at night.

I joined a bowling league (185 average) and also did some Deejay work on occasion. If you've ever been to the Outer Banks you would know how small the area really is. Not much to do for the locals that lived there. No gay bars either. For that matter, no Gay hangouts at all! It was tough to make friends with my interest and I was so in the closet. My life was a big lie.

I tried to join the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. I didn't have any social skills when I was sober and I felt shunned by the group. I did meet one woman who was a lesbian who introduced me to anyone gay she knew. All the gay guys lived in other states and came to NC for vacations. They were pretty much all pretentious too. I would get depressed easily.

My friend from Daytona Beach, Richard, had moved to San Fransisco and worked at one of those magazines that had ads to meet people and he submitted my picture and an ad without letting me know until it had already gone to press. I didn't mind and though maybe I would meet someone in NC. I got letters from all over the United States from all kinds of men asking me if they could meet me. Most of them would make mirrors crack if they looked in them. Some were very sweet and others just down right scary.

One year there was a hurricane and Mitch and his family too me to safety and even got me a motel room to stay in while it passed. They were incredible people. What did I do to return the favor? I turned Mitch on to cocaine and pretty much turned my back on the whole family about 6 months later. More about that later...

I really did try to completely stop drinking and drugs. Mitch and his family were my support team. They kept me busy with work and fun. They gave me a key to their home. They even gave me a small car for Christmas. The only thing they couldn't give me was the closeness of another man, sex. I began to have panic attacks, I would invite the strange men from the letters to come visit. I started to drink heavily again...

Today: I am very ashamed of parts of my life and I would love to change what I did. Since that is impossible, I can only do what is right now. There are some really good people in my life right now and I am lucky to have them. Heck, 2 of them are coming for games and then dinner today. YEAH!

I need to clean some and get this chapter out of my head. It's one of those periods of time that still haunt me. I sometimes do struggle with my own sanity. I have learned to hide my feelings and hold them in. Theater is one of my outlets to flush them. Deep down inside I am a sad individual. This is just who I am and I am working on letting those I love know how grateful I am for them in my life. Thank you John and Elizabeth for believing in me and not running away after finding the person behind the mask. I love you guys!

I Thought it Would Work

2009-02-08T04:38:00.001-08:00

My Life: My sister has had enough of me in her home. She tells me she needs to be alone with her husband and I agree. Now I have to find a new place to live. In less than 6 months I was diagnosed, relocated, gone through withdrawals, put on medications, got a low paying job and started drinking and drugs again. Not as heavily as before but it was the beginning of what was to come. I told myself that I wouldn't get that bad again. Looking for another place to live was going to be hard since the job at the frameshop didn't pay well. I didn't want to quit and go to another city but I had to do something.

I looked into help with a local HIV/AIDS organization in Virginia. They didn't have very much to offer at the time. It was still quite taboo and hush hush because people just weren't educated or informed. They did hook me up with another guy in North Carolina who lived on a boat. This guy had full blown AIDS and was looking for someone to help with his expenses etc. I called him on the phone and he told me I could move in - sight unseen. He lived on the Outer Banks and told me I could find a job easily there. I said OK and left for NC.

I thought living on a houseboat was going to so cool. I pretty much only had a couple of big hefty size trash bags full of personal stuff and maybe a suitcase. I was ready for the next step in my life.

When I arrived I had to find the boat since the guy had no transportation. (Notice how I keep calling him "the guy"? - That's because I can't remember his name) When I did find the boat, he wasn't even home. I waited on board until he arrived. He was a mess! A little older than me and not very good looking at all. He worked in construction when he could find work.

We went on board and he showed me the living quarters. ARGH! Small and cramped. The sleeping was underneath and you couldn't lift your head without banging it on the ceiling. To top it all off, it was filthy. This was so going to suck!

The guy told me that he like to drink and that when he got drunk he had a habit of losing his money. That evening he told me he wanted me to hold all his cash while he drank and that no matter what he said I wasn't to give him any of it. We both started to drink. And drink. And drink.

Out of nowhere, it began. The guy asked me for his money so he could go out. We were both plastered and I told him no. He kept bugging me for it and I kept saying he couldn't have it back until the next day. He started yelling and screaming and tried to attack me. I was stronger and held him off. He finally gave up and passed out. The next day he accused me of trying to steal his money and told me I had to leave. He would give me a couple of days but I had to get out.

I had nowhere to go again. I started looking for a job and a place to live. The outer banks has a lot of art galleries so I went to all of them and applied. I landed a job with 2 days at Morales Art Gallery as a framer. Now all I needed was a home. I told the owner, Mitch, that I was looking and he said he would try to help me find something too. He was a compassionate man with a wife and 2 kids. He would give me thir paper and I would search. Within a couple more days I found a room that a little old lady rented out. It was something like 40.00 a week and I had access to the bathroom and samll kitchen. I moved in.

Her name was Rose and she was in her 70's. She had a couple of poodles that were about 100 years old. And she drank. Heavily. And she was a foul mouthed, angry drunk.
She like to drink with her tenants too. Having the addictive personality that I have, I drank with her...

Now: I'm worn out thinking about this phase in my life and what is coming up. I have so much work to do here to try and get this house in order for company too. A lot has been done but a lot more needs to be done. I'm about to dumsterize if I don't get on the ball. I'm still having a pain in my ribs where I fell on the ice. It won't seem to go away and I am getting a little worried about it. Scott is doiing well and the dogs are happy. Can we add a few hours to each day?

Love & Peace,
Clayton

The Begining of the Crashing

2009-01-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

The play is over and Scott is home from the hospital. His nodes were removed and the doctor's did a biopsy that came back negative. Now it's time for work at home, ebay and getting back to normal again. Whatever normal is around here.

My Life: After the results, my whole world began to change, and quickly. Ron couldn't handle the thought of having AIDS and took it out on everyone, inicluding me. Instead of keeping it to himself, he went and told everyone about our conditions. We went our seperate ways. It wasn't far since the town was pretty small.

I moved in with some friends I had met from the bar. We were all pretty much poor and lived day to day. The epidemic had decreased bar attendance and my tips became less and less. The once party town was becoming a ghost town. All this in a matter of weeks. I had no idea what I was going to do so I called my long time friend in DC, Jim. I knew he had AIDS and he could give me some insight as to what, if anything I should do. He told me about the drugs he was on and his massive stroke that lead to his HIV discovery. He really helped me mentally and I was ready to fight.

Then one day I was at work doing my usual and the boss came in. He asked to see me in the back room and proceeded to tell me something like "a customer complained that I had a dirty t-shirt on one day." He fired me on the spot. It was one of those lame excuses to get rid of the guy who was HIV. My first discrimination just weeks after the diagnosis. About 6 months later, the boss died from AIDS. I wasn't upset in the least. I hung out a few days on the customer side of the bar and some of the patrons, along with Ron would come in and taunt me. Ron would yell at me and call me names and his friends would say stuff to me like I was trash.

Now, I have no job, no money, no significant other and very few friends left. I started selling cocaine to help me get by. The problem was that I used more than I sold and my supplier dropped me. I started to sell my furniture just to buy alcohol and coke. I was spirialing out of control. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. So, I did the last thing I could do, I called my mom. I explained everything to her and she didn't want to believe it. Next thing I know, she is on her way to California with my sister and my brother. All 3 of them came out to help, or say goodbye. Once they were in Gurneville, they looked at my lifestyle and told me they would help me straighten up if I would come back to Virginia with them. My sister said I could live with her for awhile. All three of them didn't think I would live another full year.

I packed my belongings into big plastic trash bags. What didn't fit, I left behind. I moved in with my sister and her 2nd husband in Williamsburg Virginia. I didn't know it at the time but she was an alcholic and drank almost as much as I did. When I woke up in the morning, I would shake so bad I couldn't hold a glass. My first drink had to be through a straw. Once I had 2 or 3 under my belt, I felt normal. It was an endless cycle and my mom said she was going to put me in rehab. That first week we went to the hospital.

Mom checked me into some sort of state facility and without my consent had me tested for HIV to prove to her that I wasn't lying. When I went to my room there was one of those caution signs on the door stating that whomever entered must wear a mask and gloves because I was highly contagious. The entire rehab lasted a week. The doctor's put me on valium to calm my nerves and made me sweat the poison out. They gave me AZT for the HIV. (Thus the beginning of a lifetime of medications). I was invited to an AA meeting once and none of it made sense to me. So, one week without a drink and I was cured. I went back to live with my sister.

I think I stayed sober for a few weeks but not too long. My sister drank heavily and we all did lots of cocaine. I couldn't find a job for weeks until I applied at a fabric store in thier frame shop. It was a hole in the wall in the back of the store where women brought their crosstitch pieces in to be framed. I learned quickly and became very good at it. I also learned to sew and crostitch myself. It looked as if I had found a new beginning and I would be alright. That is until my sister told me I had to move out...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

So far behind

2009-01-16T12:02:00.000-08:00

I'm back but way behind on everything! We are all moved in to the new home and I couldn't be happier with it. We had so much help unloading the PODS that it went quickly and we had a good time for Scott's Birthday get together. Thank you all again.

Now the unpacking has begun but I don't see an end in sight for quite some time. I have been trying to find a home for everything we own but a lot of it just doesn't fit anywhere. Hello consignment shops. Some rooms already look like we have lived here much longer. The garage is filled with unpacked crates, tubs and boxes. Projects to be done and pictures to be hung. Sometimes when I look at what is ahead, I want to scream.

To top everything off, I have to drive to Arlington 5 times a week to do the show I am in. I could kill Scott for talking me into doing this part. It's all of 12 lines and That happens at the end of the second act. It's a 3 act show and I sit back stage going nuts. The drive to the theater is an hour long and I get home around 11:30 at night. Yes, it's a professional theater but NO it it not worth all the driving, waiting and dealing with diva's. There have been a few fun people in the cast, like the two younger kids and the other doctor but for the most part it is probably the most unsocialble cast I have ever dealt with. I don't think I'll even go to the cast party.

Also coming up next week is Scott's peration. I know I didn't say anything earlier but remember I have been off line and moving. The doctor's have found another lump and are going to remove it next week. They seem to all think that it is not cancerous and should be no problem in the future. Let's hope so!

My friend and ex, Jim, on the other hand, will not be winning his fight with cancer. I have been helping him get his apartment in order so that he can move in with his daughter before he gets too sick. I'm selling some of his items on eBay for him. I wish I could do more.

I will not be adding anything to the My Life segment this entry. Look for more of that next time. A special thank you to Cathy for her support.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Picture of the house

2008-12-21T06:40:00.000-08:00

The Big Move - Results

2008-12-21T05:41:00.000-08:00

2 more days and Scott and I move into the new home. We finished packing 8 PODS with very little help from anyone. He and I will be packing and moving the rest of the house ourselves. A friend of his is lending us his truck so we don't have to spend any money on a rental. It may take a few loads back and forth but we have from the 23rd to the 31st to do it in. Scott's birthday is the 28th and he invited around 150 people to help unload the PODS and enjoy a feast to celebrate the move and the birthday. So far only around 15 people will be able to attend. Most people responded that they were out of town, had guests themselves or were too busy. It's just that time of year. I do not reccomend moving in December!

We still have to clean this place too. We have painted a little, started on cleaning the carpets, doing small repairs and making the place look better than when we moved in. We have to leave the new stove we bought a year ago and some cabinets behind. The landlady sure is coming out ahead on this one. She probably will try to keep the deposit after we move too. She is just a nasty person!

I know most of you who read this blog are fascinated with my entries about my past. Some of it has been very difficult to write about. Especially the past couple of entries and some of the upcoming ones. Like a preview in a movie the next half of my life will uncover more abuse with alcohol and drugs, poverty, depression, suicide, deaths, recovery, success, prejudice, happiness and more. There have been occasions where I thought I should leave some things out. Do I really want everyone to know everything about me? I keep telling myself that the truth needs to be told and not to care what others think about me. I have lived this long and have survived worst things than someone disliking me for who I am.

My Life: Ron went into the office to get his results of the HIV test. In my mind I knew he would come out positive and that I would too once it was my turn. I waited. I waited longer. It seemed like an eternity. I was told that there was a counselor who was with the doctor to discuss the impact of being positive should that be the result. Ron was in there longer than anyone. When he finally came out I could see that he was crying.

Ron was HIV+ and he was my lover. I didn't know what to tell him except that it wasn't a surprise to me. That sounds so cold but that's all I could think of. I didn't have a cure and I had seen what happens to those who were infected. I had read Stephen King's "The Stand" and just like Captain Trips, people were dying. I wanted to be a survivor and hoped that I was immune. Deep down, I knew I wasn't.

It was my turn to see the doctor. I went into the office knowing the answer and came out of the office in less than 5 minutes. I didn't want Ron to be alone for too long and I didn't want people to know my results. While I was in the office the doctor pulled my sheet and told me that I was HIV+ and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said no and left. No tears, no emotions, nothing. I wasn't afraid and I wanted to be strong for Ron.

During my late teen years I always told people I wouldn't live to be 35. Here I was at the age of 29 and I was told I was going to die. The whole town I lived in was going to die. It was the apocalypse and I wasn't immune. The best I could do was help raise money for the cure. Teach others that you couldn't get AIDS from using the same utensils or bathrooms from those infected. It was going to be a long and tough road. There was already prejudice against gays and now there was even more. Being gay with HIV was like being a southern black in the 1940's & 50's. People everywhere hated us.

After Ron and I were tested, our relationship began to decline. He was angry and depressed all the time. I was trying to be optimistic. We both continued to drink heavily. Cocaine use was becoming an everyday occurrence. Within a month, Ron and I were through. He would come to the bar and yell at me in front of customers. He'd call me names and treat me like crap. Finally he just moved out of our house and left me. Here I was, alone again...

Love & Peace,

Clayton

The Fundraiser & The Test

2008-12-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update on what's going on now. The house is coming along and our move in date is December 24, 2008. To see pictures you should visit Scott's blog. We are very busy trying to finish packing up our belongings so it will be a smooth move.

The play I am in is on hiatus for a month so I get a break from that. I don't think I will ever take such a small role again. Just can't stand all the waiting around.

My Life: So here I am 28 years old and the news is all gay people are going to die of AIDS. Some people were afraid to be around those who were infected. They thought you could get AIDS from silverware or using the same towel etc. It seemed that the government had known about what was happening years before it got as bad as it did. Ronald Reagan, in my eyes, was a murderer!

Since I was still working at the bar I decided that we needed to raise money for research and help those with HIV & AIDS. I personally went to each and every business I could walk to and asked for donations of items, money or services. I got people in the bar to donate time to clean homes, cook or do what they could. After getting all of the donations I advertised that the bar was going to hold a benefit night and everyone started selling tickets. Everything I had collected was going to be raffled off in one night and all the monies would go to the local AIDS foundation (which had no money since they were new in town). In the meantime you didn't know who would be next to die.

The night of the benefit was the busiest night the bar had had in years! It was standing room only and thousands of dollars worth of tickets had been sold. I was the MC and it was one of my most proud moments in life. Every penny was given to the AIDS center. Here I was, 29 years old, feeling I was going to die and I wasn't afraid.

I made sure that everyone knew what AIDS was and how it was contracted. I handed out condoms in the bar. I did everything I could. More people were dying. It seemed to be a hopeless cause. None of us knew who would be next and the only way to be tested was to go to San Francisco to find out. The small office in town didn't have the equipment to test us. Then we found out that the big branch from SF was coming to town and offering us all free testing. I asked my partner Ron if he wanted to get tested and he said yes.

I remember telling Ron that I felt it was a waste of time for me because I knew deep down inside that I had the HIV virus, but I would get tested anyway. The line was long that day and no one would know the results for 2 weeks after. You would go in and they would give you a number and then take blood. No names, just numbers. It made you feel like you should be ashamed of who you were and afraid that if someone found out that you were HIV+ or had AIDS that you would me shunned and possibly be beaten and murdered.

It was a long 2 weeks for Ron and I. He was very afraid, like most everyone who took the test. I just kept busy. Business at the bar was failing. Tips were low and I was almost broke. I had no idea what was going to happen to the gay community. Some places went out of business and some owners has died. Gurneville was becoming a gay ghost town. The day arrived to get the test results and their we were back in line. I recall trying to learn to Rap some tune about it while waiting. Rom wasn't amused. Rap was the new big fad then.

People would go into the little office and one of two things would happen. They would either come back out within a minute and be smiling or would stay in there what seemed like eternity and would come out crying. It was obvious who had the virus and who didn't. Ron was called in first...

I really have a lot of work to do and will get back to this later.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Rain, Rain, Rain & Death

2008-11-23T06:34:00.000-08:00

My Life: It continued to rain all morning. I was the only bartender on duty and it seemed the whole town was at the bar. Some people thought is was a good reason to party while others sat and tried to drink away their worries. I was so busy I didn't really have time to drink or think. The only food we served were hot dogs and they were all gone by noon. I just couldn't wait for my shift to end at 3. Did I mention that even the homeless were in the bar? If you were claustrophobic, you would have freaked out.

The news was on all day and we kept seeing the river rise and rise. The first bar/hotel that I had worked in there had already flooded up to the second floor. I so wanted to get out of town. The news said that there were helicopters evacuating people from the cemetery (Just a little higher ground than where I worked). When three o'clock came, Ron & I bolted to the cemetery. I left the poor afternoon bartender to fend for himself. I just couldn't take anymore screaming, crying, laughing drunks.

We were wet and miserable when we got there. It was cold and all we had was what we were wearing. People everywhere were crying and shivering. The news camera came up and interviewed me and I found out later that my boss from the bar saw me on TV and realized that I would not be back for work that day or the next. We flew to the nearest town and our friend picked us up where we stayed for the next 2 days. It finally stopped raining that night so we waited for the river to subside.

I thought for sure that the bar had gone under and would have been closed. When we got back to town we found out the bar only got a few feet of water and that all the booze on the lower shelves had to be thrown out. As an alcoholic I found this news appalling. The boss seemed pissed that I had fled. The bar was reopened after only being shut down for 2 days. Almost all of the other bars and clubs took weeks and for some, months to reopen.

I thought the flood was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but I was wrong. A friend of mine suddenly got sick and was put in the hospital. I went to see him and he looked fine. The next day he was dead. He was in his late 20's. All of a sudden a lot of people were getting sick. It wasn't just a cold or flu but all kinds of illnesses. One friend starting going blind, another was losing his mind and a few were getting red blotches all over their bodies.

It seemed like it all happened overnight. The news said it was gay cancer but we knew it was much more than that. Straight people in town started to die, drug users were getting sick, men were getting cat diseases and nothing was being done about it. The government had given a name to it: AIDS. I knew I was going to die young!

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Still in Gurneville

2008-11-09T05:05:00.001-08:00

My life: I knew that Ron wasn't the brightest rooster in the shed and that he has some issues. I also knew he was VERY handsome. We fought on occasion because he felt I was able to pick up more men then him and that I got more free drinks and stupid petty stuff like that. One night I woke up about 4 AM and he was sitting on the bed hovering above me with a big kitchen knife in his hands. When he saw that I was awake he left the room. For some reason it didn't even scare me.

We only had one physical fight during our relationship. He came at me for something and I hit him so hard I broke my hand. I had to be in a cast and serve drinks at the bar for about 6 weeks. We were definitely one of the couples in town that everyone talked about. Ron was a mean drunk and I was a slutty drunk. Once Ron had brought a knife to the bar and the next thing I knew, he had stabbed a guy. He said he stabbed him for being a fat fuck. He was treated from the hospital and released. I don't know why the guy never pressed charges.

One afternoon while I was behind the bar a crazy man came in screaming and pointing a gun at everyone. He was totally off his rocker and started throwing beer bottles at me. Then he just left. A few moments later he was on the TV. (We had one in the bar). It seems he had been off his meds and when psycho. Decided he was going to jump off a bridge after he left the bar. Again, I wasn't scared.

Gurneville was also a town full of drug addicts. People I knew would end up dead from an overdose. One friend who was a Vietnam vet was murdered and buried in the hills. I can still see his face today, he was really a nice guy. Even my bird died one day for no reason. I was talking to her and she just keeled over. I think the town is cursed.

I still wasn't making a lot of money but I was able to pay the rent and my truck payments. Didn't eat a whole lot since I drank most of my meals. Ron didn't work and I supported him too. The day shift didn't bring in as many tips as the night shift so I did all kinds of gimmicks. I wrote the towns first gay gossip tabloid and sold it from behind the bar. I created the "Wheel Of Fortune" guess before the contestant and get a free drink. I held the first annual couch potato contest and even brought a couch into the bar. I did everything to promote the bar and my shift. Then the rainy season came...

I had heard that the river actually flooded the area many times in the past and that the bar I worked at was on the highest level of the town. Since I lived on a large hill, I wasn't worried about my home being flooded. I also parked my truck up very high. The rain came and didn't seem to stop. The river rose and started to take over so Ron and I headed to the next nearest town to spend the night with a friend. We left everything behind including my truck. I still had to be back at work the following morning at 6AM.

My friend drove me back to town and couldn't make it into the city limits. The water was too high for his car to drive through so he dropped me off. I waded through waist high water to make it to the bar. The town was still dry but the outskirts were now under water. There was a line to get in the bar that morning since it was one of the dry areas. By 7AM, the place was packed with people and it was still raining...

That's all I have time for today. Got to get back to packing and selling.

Peace and Love,

Clayton

Here we go

2008-10-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

I barely have time to do much writing these days. Today it it is raining and I am in a lot of pain. It's hard to concentrate on eBay or anything else. I just found out a friend of mine for more than 30 years has been diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. The doctors said 6 months but realistically it's more like 3 months. He has asked me to help sell everything he has so he can more into his daughters home in Richmond. He has some furniture, a nice patio set, a queen bed, and some carnival glass (i will be posting on eBay). If anyone is interested, email me. He is disabled and on social security so any help is appreciated.

The house is being built and I posted the picture of the basement here. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. We are still looking at a December move in date.

My Life: Ron and I just took off. His sister lived in Oregon so we headed north. We would stop at roadside camping outlets and have picnics alongside the road. We played a lot of cribbage, sang to the radio and enjoyed each others company. When we made it to his sister's we stayed only a couple of days. I wasn't much of a fan of hers.

Instead of heading even more north, we decided we were going to turn back towards San Fransisco. I really didn't like Oregon and the rain. I knew I would hate it there in the winters too. To this day I still don't like cold weather.

We decided to settle down in Gurneville, California. Also known as the "Russian River". Located north of San Fransisco. The town is a gay resort with camp sites, hotels, clubs and bars. During the spring & summer time it is packed with gays and lesbians. Fall and winter the town almost turns into a ghost town.

When we first arrived it was summer and it seemed like a good idea at the time to stay. We immediately found a great house on top of a small mountain and moved in. I think it was about 65 steps from the street to the front door, straight up. There was a small box train that was electric to carry stuff up in. It was such a cute house and the rent wasn't that high. Next, I had to find a job.

I started applying for any kind of job I could find. The next nearest town was over 30 minutes away and I didn't want to drive the distance. I looked for over a month and couldn't get anything. Finally one of the Hotel's hired me as a bartender. It was the Monte something or other and was one of the finest in Gurneville. The bar was small and had windup toys, brain teasers and magic tricks for the patrons to play with. I found out later that I was hired because one of the owners wanted to get me in bed. Go figure. It worked too since I slept with anyone who was half way decent looking. The money wasn't very good and fall was coming. On my days off, I would hang out at the more popular clubs and bars. Ron and I drank and partied all summer long. I was suddenly starting to go broke and had to do something.

I got a call from the most popular bar on Main street "The Rainbow Cattle Company" and they had changed bosses. The new boss let some of the guys go and hired me as the morning/day bartender. My shift was 6AM to 3PM. It was amazing that people even went to the bars that early but they did. It also attracted the homeless gay men who would be waiting for the doors to open.

I knew that I drank too much as it were but now the drinking started earlier. Bartenders were allowed to drink with the patrons and it was encouraged. By the time I got off work each day I was hammered.

Coming up: The flood, winter and loss.

Way too much to write about in one chapter so I'll have to break it up. I am about 27 or 28 at this time in my life. Still so much to come.

Love and Peace,

Clayton

2 Weeks and a Year Older

2008-10-12T05:23:00.000-07:00

OMG! I turned 51 on the first of October. Some days I feel like I am 100 and others I feel 20 again. Everyday I want to scream. It's not that I look bad for my age but I want to keep doing the things I was able to do when I was younger. I could stand to lose about 5-10 pounds too. Enough ranting on age, let's get back to where I left off.

My Life: So I am in my mid 20's and I have a nice paying job, a good looking man, a nice place to live, partying like there is no tomorrow.

The Souther California Gas Company was making a lot of changes. I kept applyinig for better positions and not getting them. One of my bosses even said to me during one of the interviews "You're probably queer". Back then there were no laws against gay discrimination. It really pissed me off and I decided I wasn't going to work "in" the office anymore. I wanted to go out into the field and become an inspector.

Inspectors would travel all over southern California and go into homes and make sure the customers had proper insulation in their attics, check their low flow shower heads in the bathrooms and caulking on windows and such. My newest boss thought it was great idea for me (Since he didn't like me) and allowed me to transfer. It wasn't an easy position but I only worked half the day and drove from house to house the othe half. I loved to drive back then.

That lasted about 3-4 months and then I got word that the entire company was being taken over and everyone had to re-apply for their jobs. I knew I was doomed. 2 of the 4 bosses didn't like me because they thought I was gay and because the workers did like me. They also knew I was better at their jobs than they were. Needless to say, they convinced the company that I was a bad seed and after five years, I was told I had no job anymore.

The worst part about losing my job was that I had just purchased a brand new truck a year prior ad I didn't know how I was going to make the payments. It was my first new car and was to be my last. Sigh.

So, no job and no income. I pondered what o do for a few days when I saw someone selling a camper top that would fit on top of my truck. I asked Ron (my partner) if he like the idea of just selling everything and hitting the road. He didn't hesitate to say yes. He was, after all, a pretty lazy man and hated working. I bought the camper top, emptyied my 401K and my savings. Sold everything we had and didn't need. Packed up Ron, my bird (yes I had a bird and her name was Blanche)and said goodbye to our roommate and headed north...

Today: The house is being built. YAY! They broke ground and have started the new reality for us. Scott's foot is better but not completly healed. Heck my finger still isn't healed. I started rehearsals for the show I am in. I have all of 10-15 lines. At least I am getting paid for it. am working at the consignment shop 1-2 days a week and have made some money to supplement my income. Winninig the lottery would be so much nicer than having to work.

It's Sunday morning and I have a ton of stuff to do today. So with that said...

Love & Peace,
Clayton

Updating some more

2008-09-28T05:31:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on right now that I don't have as much time to keep up with my writing as much as I want to. Scott and I will be moving at the end of December and I have already started packing up the house. I've been donating stuff, consigning stuff, selling on eBay and throwing stuff out. I prefer to recycle everything I can but sometimes it's just too hard to find a home for something.

I was cast in "Life With Father" at The American Century Theater. I have a small role so not as many rehearsals and I get paid too. When I get more information on it I will post and send emails. We open in November towards the end.

My life: Last I left off was about motorcycle runs. The one vacation that I took by myself was to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I left my partner Ron at home. It was an all gay flight and vacation package from California to Louisiana. I had Ron drop me off at the airport where the travel company had set up a large lounge for the pre-flight meet, greet and drink. It was an open bar and I took advantage of it. The last thing I remember was falling down the ramp to get on the plane. I don't know how I got to my seat but when I did wake up we were more than half way there.

I had to go to the bathroom and I went to the back of the plane and stood outside one of the restroom doors. It suddenly opened and a man pulled me into the small compartment and ... - I became an official member of the mile high club.

In order to make the trip more affordable at the time, I hooked up with another guy who was to room with me. We had met only once before the trip. He also was doing the separate vacation thing away from his partner. I thought his partner was much hotter than him and wished he were going instead. Come to find out he had actually been a contestant on Wheel Of Fortune.

Anyway, we got to our room and we did did become friends rather quickly. Yes, we has sex too. Just once though. The rest of the week was filled with debauchery and sex. Drinking and drugs, darkness and light. I met Richard Locke who was a famous gay porn star (and my idol at the time). I partied like there was no tomorrow.

At one point my roommate had opened the window of the hotel room and started throwing money into the streets. He caused quite a riot and was almost arrested for public disorder.

I remember the buttons and the beads. "Show your tits", 'Show your dick", "Show your ass". Beads would be thrown to those who flashed. One guy gave me beads because he thought I was the most gorgeous man in the world. LOL The trip lasted a week but I was burned out after 4 days. It didn't stop my partying and I paid for it once it was all over.

When I got home from the trip, Ron picked me up from the airport and he wasn't happy! I could tell he hated having to stay home but he got over it in the end. That was one vacation that I will never forget and will never do again. Mardi Gras - Once in a lifetime is enough!!!!

Life was good. Then "The Southern California Gas Company" started going through some changes. My job was in jeopardy and I had to make some changes...

Peace and Love,

2 Weeks, you say?

2008-09-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been two weeks since my last entry. Scott and I had a yard sale, bought a house in Gainesville and haven't had much time for anything else. Read his blog for more information.

I will do a quick story about my past for now. That's about all the time I have at the moment.

My Life: California in the 80's was a hell of a place to live. I started going on Motorcycle Runs with my partner at the time. A motorcycle run is where a bunch of gay men go camping in the deep woods. They would charge an amount per person and rent the area. With each ticket we would get 3 meals a day and an open bar from about 7AM until 2AM he next morning. There were contests done with the bikes and their riders, dances, sports and of course all the sex you could have. The runs lasted 3 days and 2 nights and that was plenty of time to wear oneself out.

I went on about 4 or 5 of these when I lived there. One of them was themed: Christmas in July in August and I won the best camp site award. I decorated my tent with Christmas lights and decorations. With open bars I spent most of my time drinking, having sex and dancing. At one of the dances a tall handsome man picked me up and hugged me and cracked a rib of mine. I didn't feel much until the booze wore off.

Once, my partner Ron, got up and sang for the crowd and I found out he had a beautiful voice. One guy recorded it and wouldn't give me the tape. He wouldn't even sell it to me. That was the last time I ever heard him sing.

I was quite popular at these runs because of my age. Still in my 20 somethings most of the men were over 35. Just my type. And I theirs. Decadence at it's finest in the 1980's. I could go into some details but I don't think most of the readers want to hear that stuff.

That's all I have time for now. Mardi Gras came next...

Peace & Love

Clayton

Goodbye George...Hello Ron

2008-08-31T04:59:00.000-07:00

My Life: So George moved to MO and I moved into an efficiency apartment across the street from a gay bar.

My job at the Gas Company started out as a scheduler. I would call people on the phone and set up appointments for the gas man to come and inspect their house to see how it could be improved to save energy. I was so good at the job that I became the team leader within a month on the job. Soon after I became the floor manager and would be hiring and firing, training, creating manuals, writing for the company newspaper and everything my boss didn't want to do. I was a happy boss to my workers and got along with all of them. During lunch we would go down to the corner bar and have a 3 martini lunch. The people were so much fun. A few of the women in the office had a crush on me. One was Rhonda Short and she was 6'1". The other was Gail Smith and she was on her way to becoming a big girl like her sister. We all loved to get high together and drink and party.

At night, after work, I would go to the gay bar and drink and cruise men. I had a few regulars that I would hook up with. I had been dating two guys very seriously and was having a hard time choosing between them. One was a tall cowboy who was handsome and shy. The other was a short good looking cook who loved to have fun. When the cowboy asked me to choose between the two of them, I chose the cook. Of course, Ron (the cook) was poor. The cowboy had money. Go figure.

Anyway, Ron moved in with me. Two of us in an efficiency. We partied and partied. We had an open relationship and had men over all hours of the day and night. Ron would work when he felt like it and somehow I managed to hold my job together with my social life. I was making really good money and bought a package trip to Cancun Mexico for Ron and I and his ex boyfriend. His ex helped pay some of the expenses but not much. We flew to Mexico and partied there for a week. I went para sailing and loved it. We climbed the Aztec ruins. I tried snorkeling but couldn't do it. And of course, we got drunk a lot. I found that Cancun was just a big tourist trap and was a nice place to visit once. I did learn to say three Mexican phrases "May I have 3 beers please" "I have no money" & "Where is the bathroom". That seemed to be all I needed to get by.

That was my first vacation I had ever paid for. I couldn't wait to take another but I had to get back to work. Ron and I decided we wanted a bigger place and we found a 2 bedroom apartment. Wecouldn't afford it alone so we asked another guy to move in with us. His last name was "Loveless" and by looking at him, I could understand. He was quite "gay" too. Marc Loveless was an experience in itself. He was also an actor and that prompted me to audition again.

I audition for the movie "Full Metal Jacket" but obviously didn't getcast. I didn't have an agent. So I tried to get one. I was told by more than one agent that I "Wasn't goodlooking enough and not ugly enough". I gave up on agents and tried theaters again. I would make the call backs for the professional theaters but not get cast. It was tough. Finaly I landed a lead role in a community theater. "The Physisicts". The role was about a very intelligent man who was in a crazy home and he killed the nurses. Much fun was had by all. LOL

So I was back to acting, living with Ron & Marc, working full time at the gas company in a mangerial position and partying every night. Life was good...

Today: Scott broke his foot last week and I am back to looking out for him. He was skydiving and the parachute broke 20 feet before he hit the ground. Not really, you can email or call him for the real details. I just thought I would spice it up a bit. The garage sale was a success and I got rid of tons of stuff. One person came to help me at 11:30 and that was about the time the customers became few and in between. From 7 Am till then it was a steady flow and just me.

I donated tons of stuff already that didn't sell. I don't understand why there isn't anymore room in this house????? More stuff going out the door this coming week. I have a consignment shop that accepts stuff twice a week, 12 items at a time, so that's another way to bring in some bucks.

Do you like the new picture of me with my mohawk? I have gotten a lot of compliments from strangers and friends alike. A lot who also do not like it. I am almost 51 and feel it makes me younger and happier! Until next week.

Love & Peace

Clayton

Back to D.C. Again

2008-08-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

My Life: So I arrived back in the DC area and went straight (gayly forward) to where I used to live. Thank god they accepted me back into the home. It was so nice to be back but I was going to miss the celebrity life.

My first mission was to find a job. Jay Jenkins, a friend at the time, got me a job at an apartment complex turning condo. I was the painter. I was pretty much my own boss and did a lot of slacking off. It was a high rise and across the street was a hotel. I would bring my binoculars to work and watch the visitors without them knowing. I know, you think I'm a pervert. I was young and horny all the time, what can I say.

The household where I lived broke up and everyone went their separate ways. I moved into an apartment with Jay in D.C.. I would go everywhere in the city now that I lived there. I dated 5 guys at one time and went out to the bars when I wasn't seeing them. I really like this one guy named Louie Zanilotti. (I saw his name on the AIDS quilt years later) That's another chapter.

Life was good. I hung out with friends like J.R., Mike, Raoul, Jim and more. We played pinball at the bar, partied like there was no tomorrow and just enjoyed life.

One night in the Eagle Bar, I met a man named George. He was a hot little Jewish guy and we hit it off great. It wasn't long after that we became lovers and I moved in with him. From the beginning of the relationship I told him that it would be an open relationship and that I needed a night out every other week (or was it once a week?) - I can't remember. He agreed and it worked out great! I remember one night we took some acid and went to see Friday the 13th at the local movie house. We walked there and by the time the movie had ended we were too freaked out to walk home. We kept thing there were killers behind every tree. Acid and horror movies do not go well.

George bought a condo in Alexandria and we moved in. A really nice place at the time. One night when he was away on business and I met a bunch of kids selling magazines door to door. Since I had done this job before, I invited them to come over and do their laundry and get high with me. They left hours later and that night one of the guys came back. He was the only guy under 30 that I had ever slept with.

After one of George's business trips he told me that he was being promoted and he would be moving to California. He wanted me to come with him. Well, you know I jumped on that one! I was finally going west and I could break into the movies. I had the support of a good man, I was still young, and people always said I had talent. There was no holding me back. We packed up and left!

California was a party state. I was a party guy. Mix the two and you get an addict. I was well on my way to becoming an alcoholic before then so it wasn't hard for it to get hold of me.

George and I moved into a nice garden apartment in Garden Grove. I found a job with a temp agency called "Volt" who hooked me up with the Southern California Gas Company. It was a contract job and too far away from home. On one of my nights away from George I slept with the bosses daughter. I think that was the most angry I had ever seen George. He really was and still is a sweet man. We stayed together for a little while until he got another job in Clayton, Mo. I didn't want to go so we parted ways.

So now I am on my own again...

Present day: Scott and I looked at houses in Gainesville. They were really nice and not that expensive. Houses here in Arlington are 2 to 3 time more for the same size. So we are considering moving out there. We really do hate where we live now. There are theaters out that way if we ant to get involved. We have friends in the Manassas area too. We'll see.

Today we are going to Herndon. Scott was the costumer for the kids show at Eldon Street and it closes today. So we have to gather costumes and then cast party.

I have a lot of cool items from the yard sales yesterday that I will be putting up on eBay so stop by my eBay site. I also have to get ready for the yard sale this weekend. Busy, busy, busy!

Love & Peace,

Someone Started a Fire!

2008-08-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

My Life: So I made it to Baltimore and checked in with my new boyfriend at the "Hotel Baltimore". The show "Hello Dolly" was performing just blocks away. The first night that I was there I was sleeping when Tiv woke me up and said "There's a fire, we have to go". I told him that I didn't want to go. He had to shake me to get me out of bed. I grabbed my leather and we were the last ones out of the building.

It seems the fire was in one of the work area of the hotel and it was caught quickly. We were all able to go back to bed. Being a sound sleeper back then, it was easy to go right back to sleep. About 2AM, Tiv wakes me and says "There's a fire, we have to go" to which I responded "I have already been to one" and promptly went back to sleep. It was harder this time for him to get me up. By the time I was up and grabbed my leather the hallways and stairwells were full of smoke. We were the last two people out of the building because of me and it was really hard to breath.

Once out, we met up with Carol, her husband and another woman. We escorted Carol safely away from the pavorati. One snapshot that made the paper showed Carol's husband wearing her expensive fur coat. It also caught a part of me, but not my face. The article read that the entourage included a heavy set woman in stripe shirt, a man in full leather with chains (me) and her husband.

It seems a disgruntled employee had set the fires and he was arrested that night. The rest of our stay in Baltimore was pretty much uneventful. Our next stop was Detroit Michigan. Talk about cold!

While in Michigan I wanted to do something other than be known as Tiv's boyfriend. I bugged Tiv to get me in the show or have me do something with the show. He was able to get me backstage anytime I wanted and I started learning the chorus parts. Tiv said that Carol was going to be filming a movie about a mother whose son comes out of the closet as gay. He told me that I would be able to audition for the role. Exciting! I know I bugged him about this a lot too. It never came to fruition.

After Michigan, we went to Reno Nevada. Once there Tiv got me the job of Eddie Bracken's personal dresser. I would help him change costumes and be his errand boy. I was paid scale and spent all of it gambling. Nevada is not the place for me. I also got to meet Foster Brooks whose was a good friend of Eddies. One night Carol, Tiv and I went to see a professional drag show that had a Carol impersonator. It was too much seeing both of them on stage at the same time. Reno was the last stop for a while. Dolly was going on hiatus and Tiv had landed another job with "Annie".

While traveling with "Annie" I met all the kids (mostly stuck up little diva's). Lisa Raggio who was in the TV show "Private Benjamin" and a few others. I did a couple of walk on's with the show but wasn't paid or recognized. I so wanted to perform again. Pretty much all I did was hang out and drink. Tiv was getting on my nerves because he would tell me what to do and how to do it, what to wear, what to say, how to mix a drink etc etc etc.

After a few months of "Annie", "Hello Dolly" was back. We went to Chicago for a 3 month stay. Tiv and I got an apartment this time and I went to work for a gay couple doing painting and wallpaper. Two nice looking men who had their own business and taught me everything i needed to know. After work everyday was a party. Since I worked days and Tiv worked nights, we barely saw each other. One night after work, I got wasted and messed around with one of the bosses. Tiv got mad at me for staying out late and drinking. He began Yelling at me and calling me names. The next day, I didn't show up for work and the guys called Tiv to find out where I was.

I asked Tiv for money and got on a bus to come back to D.C.. I didn't see Tiv again for over 10 years. I didn't tell anyone that I was coming back and had no idea where I was going to live...

Today: I am not feeling too good this morning and am trying to shake it off. We went to a crab fest birthday party yesterday. The Arlington Fair is today and I want to go. I just hope I can do it.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

More, more, more

2008-08-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

My Life: The picture is of me at "Le Salon" the gay book sore, theater, peepshow, sex toy store I used to work at. Look at that tacky wallpaper! The drinking age was still 18 back then and I would go to the leather bar "The Eagle" to start drinking after work and then go to "The Exile" to go dancing. My best friend from Florida, Richard had moved to DC and with a few other guys, we rented a house in Arlington. I remember 4-5 gay guys living in the house at any given time. One of them was a guy named Jay who worked at Le Salon too.I got Richard a job there and we were one big happy gay family.

I had another friend John (also known as JR) who was the same age as me but looked younger. He was more of a pretty boy and he ended up getting a lot of men that I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I got my good share of HOT men. I only dated men that were 10+ years older than me and I was quite popular. Although I fell in love with a few of them, I didn't pursue being in a relationship. I was a whore and I didn't want to change. One time I had 8 men in one night at work. Orgies were familiar in the back room too.

I used to walk to the bars or take a cab. One night I borrowed a friends car. He lived in the same house I. That night, I got wasted and asked a guy if he wanted to...you know. He said yes and asked me to follow him to his hotel room. As I was following him, drunk driving, I dropped my cigarette and went to go for it. As I did, I rammed right into him. It was pretty much a blur after that and I woke up the next day at home and the wrecked car was in the driveway. I have no idea how I got home. When my friend asked what happened I told him that I hit an embankment on the side of the road and he pretty much accepted it was an accident. The following week I got a court summons in the mail from the guy I hit. It was a rental car and he had reported me to the police etc. According to the police report, after I hit him, there was a high speed chase. I lost him and my mind! Court would come son and I would have to face the consequences.

I did not borrow any more cars after that. I would take the subway, taxis and buses. That was the year that "Hello Dolly" with Carol Channing was in town. I walked into the "Eagle" and saw a man with a huge mustache, Blonde hair and older. I made a beeline to him and he told me he was Carol's personal dresser and his name was Tiv Davenport. He was also one of the first original Marlboro Men for print ad's in the 60's. He was so hot, to me anyway. I didn't really fall in love with him. I fell in love with the thought of him and what he could do for me. Yes, he was sexy and I liked that but I loved that he was with Hello Dolly professionally. He was in town a few weeks. I told him I wanted to be with him and he invited me to come along. I still had to go to court before he left and I was sure I would be thrown in jail.

Court was one day before Tiv was to leave. I showed up and told the judge that I didn't get into any high speed chase and that I had no idea what the guy was talking about. The guy I hit didn't show up to testify. I also told the judge that I was leaving the area to travel with a Broadway show the next day. To my suprise, the judge fined me $10.00 and told me to have a nice trip. I think I used up a lot of my Karma on that one.

The next day I was on my way to Baltimore, Maryland with Tiv, Carol and the cast. Her leading man at the time was Eddie Bracken. The first night at the hotel in Baltimore, there was a fire....

Present Day: My finger is still hurting. I'm selling a lot of great Christian music on eBay at the moment. I am tagging things for a yard sale for when my finger is well. I a also looking at auditions and trying to find something fun to do. Any old play will not suffice. It's time to think about what to make for dinner and record TV shows for later.

If you're watching "Big Brother" - Jessie and Michele need to go. Just my opinion.

Peace & Love,

Clayton

My Finger

2008-07-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been awhile but I had an accident and really busted up my finger. It has been too hard to type. It still is but getting a bit easier. How did this happen you ask? Well, Scott and I were moving a piece of furniture out of the van and a hinged door flew open and smashed my finger to a pulp. Kind of like what a grape looks like once you step on it. The fingernail came off, the tip of the bone split and came through the skin and my finger looked like a boiled hot dog once it has been split open. This happened a week ago and the surgeon said the finger would be completely healed in about 6 months. I see him again tomorrow. The pictures were taken a few minutes ago as I was changing the bandage.

Bear Beach is now over and we had a successful run. The author of the show says he wants to put out an original cast recording. Sounds like a lot of fun and I can't wait. Although most of the audience members couldn't figure out what the show was about, exactly, they loved the music. They got a kick out of me in a jockstrap and boots too. There was some really good talent in the show and you'll be able to see the rehearsal process on LOGO TV soon. Not sure of the date yet.

Scott and I just did a video tape of me to submit to host a show on cable TV. We are calling it "The Green Mover". Once he edits it, I will send it to the talent agency.

Scott had another scare when he found a lump in his chest area. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about and the tests came back negative. I don't think either of us could handle another round of cancer so quickly after the first one. As of now, all is well with him. He just needs to get his energy level back to normal. He still tires easily.

My Life: So me an my lover made it back from Florida and rang my Mother's doorbell. When she answered the door I said "Hi" and told her that we were passing through and that Paul was my boyfriend. She invited both of us in with a smile and asked me to join her in her bedroom area. Once there, she asked "Are you the man or the woman?" I told her I was a man and she sighed a relief. She never really had any issues with the whole "Gay" thing. The rest of the family was told and no one said a whole lot about it. They all just accepted me for who I am. The men never did and never will talk about it but the women embraced the whole idea. Even my grandmother.

On the back patio y Grandmother looked at me and pointed to her husband and said "Doesn't he have nice legs?" She married him when she was in her 60's. She had been a single woman up until then. Yes, my mother was born out of wedlock. I think I already covered all this.

So, Paul and I stayed a couple of days. Paul still lived with his mother in DC and we had to get back there. My family helped us with tickets and we were gone. Once in DC, I moved in with him and his mother. She was not happy about it and hated me. I didn't care because I was in love. LOL

Now, I had to find a job. My first job in the area lasted a couple of weeks. I worked for Time Life Libraries as a bill collector (over the phone). That's why it didn't last too long, I hated it! I had to find another job. 14th street NW back then was full of adult bookstores, movie house and prostitutes. I though it would be easy to get a job in the industry and I was right. I became a film man at Adam and Eve movie house. I sat in the projector booth and changed, spliced and ran he movies. You could see in the audience the men who came in and see them ... well you know. Across the hall from the theater was Le Salon - a gay bookstore and movie house. Once I had enough experience I applied there and got a job. The store sold marijuana accessories, magazines, sex toys and many other items. It also had a movie theater in the back with a dark room area for the men to play. Total decadence.

I learned everything a person needed and didn't need to know about sex. I learned all about the gay culture from bears to fems to twinks to tops and bottoms. S&M, B&D, color coding of handkerchiefs and what they all meant. The meaning of earrings, keys, and gestures. Gaydar, butch guys, sugar daddies, and even diaper dudes. The gay world so so much different back then. We were trying to find ourselves and trying to be free. Gay people came out in droves and I feel it was the beginning of the gay movement. A lot of what we did was wrong but we didn't have role models. We messed up a lot but someone had to do it. It took a while for gay men to clean up their act.

I had also learned how to skim the box office while I worked there. I made a small fortune. Paul hated that i worked there and began to go to the bars without me. So, I did the same. We lasted 3 month. He walked into the Eagle bar and saw me kissing a man wearing all leather. He stormed out of the bar and it was over for us. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. That night I had no home...

That's all for right now. My finger is throbbing.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Bear Beach Opens & I go to Florida

2008-07-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

So Bear Beach opened. We had a preview of a few of the songs on Thursday Night at a tent festival. We opened Friday and did a Saturday afternoon show. I think the show is a success. It finally feels good. I'm sure most of the audience members are still scratching their heads and wondering what it was about. The music is fun and I'm getting a kick out of showing off my butt in the audience. It's too funny

I'm back to work again and eBay is killing me. People have just stopped buying. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have taken on clients and have sold their stuff but now that has come to an end. I need more clients! Help!!!!

I have a Fake Christian Dior handbag for sale if anyone is interested. I can send you the pictures. It's a saddlebag style.

My Life: So I went back home after meeting my dad. I stayed with my sister when I got there and visited with my family. Only stayed a week or so and I got a job as a door to door salesman. I joined one of those magazine companies that went from state to state and sold subscriptions. As an actor, I was pretty good at it. It really wasn't a lot of fun but I had to work and they promised that we would end up in California.

There were a bunch of us that did this and I was one of the designated drivers. We had a few cars that we would all pile into. We stayed in hotels and ate out all the time. Pay was very little. The people were exciting and the company changed often.

It was this job that introduced me to the easy women. They often became a part of the sales team and would do anything for a dollar. For me it was free and I didn't complain. The girls always said I was a CJ special. (CJ = Cream in your Jeans). I loved the attention. I had sex often, ate well and lots of exercise. It was not enough! I wanted to go west and try to make it in film.

When the boss kept changing his mind as to where we were going next, I finally got fustrated and decide I had had enough. I got a group of us together and we all quit at the same time. We stuck out thumbs out and went to Florida whwere it was nice and warm. With the little bit of money we had, we got a room in Daytona Beach for a week. We all set out to find jobs. Eventually, no one found work and we split up. Each of us going our seperate ways.

I had no money, no place to stay, no job, nothing. I walked the streets at night and slept on the beach. Once I slept in a 24 hour laundry mat. I even tried a porta john but that was not a good idea. One night I saw what I thought was a hooker enter a bar. I followed her and ended up in a gay bar. The hooker was a drag queen.

Once inside, I knew I could find a place to stay and some food. Guys would buy me drinks and I ended going home with one of them. It wasn't even a sexual thing. He offered to help me and I accepted. He stayed in a sort of flop house where the rooms were 25.00 a week. It was an all gay house and it had a lot of rooms. Most of the guys were like me, just starting out and poor. The guy I stayed with grinded his teeth so bad that I found another guy who would help. He is still my friend today.

He got me a job as a waiter in a gay bar. He was the bartender. After work we would get wasted and hang out with the roomies. That is when we didn't have a trick for the night. It was the late seventies and we didn't know better. It was the culture at the time. We drank, did drugs and had as much sex as we could find. We slpet all day and partied all night. Thank god none of us had a car! We would walk to and from the bars. There were even gay bars ON the beach and a gay section of beach.

Once, a policeman ordered me into a cab because I was too drunk to walk. The cab got to the house, the door opened and I fell out. The guys on the porched all laughed and cheered. What a mess I was. I would even drink all the bartenders mistakes.

I was promoted from waiter to bartender. Ran lights for Drag Shows and became one of the most popular guys in the area. Everyone knew me. I was a big flirt, used men and would spend all my money on partying. Then one day, a hot 35 year blonde with a big mustache drove by me when I was in another car on my way to the bar. When I got there, he was there too. I fell in love for the first time. Come to find out, he lived in Washington DC and was there on vacation. We decide that we were going to be lovers. Unforynately, he was poor and we could only afford half the bus fare back to DC where he still lived with his mother. My god, what an idiot I was!!! On the way back to DC, we stopped at my mother's house.... (I hadn't really come out to the family yet)

OK. Enough for now. This is very tiring remembering all this and there is so much more to come. Yes, I would change some things if I could but a lot of them were valuable lessons. Some took a long time to learn. LOL More later.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Who am I? In Search of me.

2008-07-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

So I am a day late and a dollar short, as usual. Thursday we picked up a headboard, footboard and frame for the new bed. One of my most favorite people, Michele, gave it to us and all we had to do was go pick it up. She is such a sweetheart. She also does odd jobs like I do so if you need help with something, she is someone to call on. Let me know and I can set you up.

We had rehearsal on Saturday at the theater in DC and I was sick. I knew I was running a fever and felt like dying but I had to put on a good show because LOGO TV was there filmiing the rehearsal process. It was also the first and only time we would rehearse in the theater. I'm not sre I would do a Fringe Festival show again. It's very stressful.

Sunday I recovered from being ill and did a bunch of eBay work. I was supposed to do my blog but forgot. So it is now a bloggy Monday morning.

My Life: I packed the car and headed towards New Madrid Mosouri. I was going to meet my real dad and his other family. I wasn't sure if my car would make it but I didn't care. I had my last paycheck from working at the Omni Hotel in Norfolk. It wasn't much but it would buy me gas and supplies.

I took 3 days to get there since I wasn't in any hurry. On the last day I picked up a hitchhiker and he rode with me to the front door of my Dad's home. It was one of the most terrifying moments in my life. My Mom had always told me how awful he was and that he was a mean drunk and lazy etc etc. I rang the doorbell and low and behold he answered the door. It seems he had been fired from his job that exact day and was home. I introduced myself and he invited me in. I told the hitchiker I would get him a sandwich and then he had to go. I knew I had met my Dad when I was a little kid but didn't remember much about him. Now I got to meet him as an adult and get to know him for real.

My mother was so wrong about him. He was one of the nicest men I had ever met. He told me stories of how he would drink on occasion, like most men back then. He also told me stories about my Mom and how she would sleep around with other men. I always wondered about this since I didn't look like anyone else in the faily and I saw my mother flirting with many men as I was growing up. Anyway, I didn't care who was telling the truth as I knew they both hated each other.

My dad had a new wife and son. She was a bible thumping pain in the ass and I couldn't stand her! My half brother was 10 years younger than me and that was the last time we have ever seen each other. To this day I have no idea where he is.

Now, New Madrid is a very small town in MO and here wasn't much to do. Here I was a gay party animal and no where to go. The most fun the teens had in town was to drive around the Wendy's on the weekends. There were no jobs to be had and no drugs that I could find. I was able to purchase booze since the drinking age was 18. My dad got a new job and would give me a few bucks for booze. I did land a job at KFC but only lasted one day. The boss was a slave driver and got angry if you ate any of the food. It was horrible. I would hitchike to the next town over just to see if I could meet someone new. I did meet an airline pilot who pretty much used me for one night and never sw me again. He was around 40. I hated living there.

I had to do something. Yes, I thought my Dad was a wonderful amn but I could not stay there. Then my car died. so, I signed up to join the Navy. I took all the tests to see what I would be good at and I excelled at map reading. I was going to be part of some intelligence division. I took the physical and passed. All I had to do now was sign the papers and go to boot camp. I said goodbye to my Dad and his family and instead of going to sign the papers I hopped a bus back to Virginia. It was the last time I saw my Dad alive. He passed away very quickly after that from cancer. I didn't even go to his funeral. I was ashamed of myself for not following through with the navy and for being gay. I know now that he would have understood although his wife would have banned me from their lives. So, back to Virginia and a new job as a door to door saleman....

More to think about. Moe to do and less time to do. I have got to get to the post office and run some errands.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

It's gonna get ...

2008-06-29T04:59:00.000-07:00

My Graduation Picture. I did get a haircut for this shot!

Ok, already! I really appreciate that you guys are liking my blog. I wish I had more time to spend time writing. I will get at least one entry in a week.

I forgot to let you know what the surprise was for Scott when he came home from visiting his mom. Scott has a queen sized bed that he purchased many years ago. It was sagging and very uncomfortable. I went on Craig's List an put a want ad for a new bed and explained that I had only $100 and that the bed was for someone who was just finishing up cancer treatments. A man whose brother has passed from cancer responded right away. He was in the mist of a divorce and sold me his guest room queen for $100. He also delivered it and helped me set it up in the upstairs bedroom. I, of course had to tear the house apart to get the old bed out by myself. I donated the old mattress to a homeless guy who wanted it and tore the box spring up into small pieces.

I found it amazing that a complete stranger would help like this guy did. While we were setting up the bed he told me he didn't even like his brother when he was growing up but was glad that he got to spend some time with him before he passed. Once the bed was set up, I had to put the house back together, by myself. It was a week long process to pull it off and the bed is awesome!

When Scott walked into the bedroom he said "something is different". When he sat on the bed, he knew. No more sagging and waking up with bad back aches! Yeahhhhhhh!!!!!

Bear Beach - The Musical is coming along fine. Lots of rehearsals and I'm getting the hang of the choreography. I respect dancers so much more now.

Before I begin the my life section, I want those of you who read it to know that their will be a lot of gay oriented material as I get older.

My Life: My senior year I was hitchhiking back from somewhere and was picked up by a 35 year old Italian man named Armand. He actually lived in the same apartment complex as I did. He had a wonderful wife and he worked as a butcher at the local grocery store. He had dark curly hair, big mustache and the chiseled Italian facial features.

On the ride home he invited me to come over and meet his wife and smoke a joint, which I did. It became a routine to come by at least twice a week and hang out with him and his wife.

One day after school, i called in sick to my job. It was a Wednesday and I knew that Armand had that day off so I called him to see if I could come over and hang out. I guess you know what his answer was. When I got there we did the usual smoking and talking. Out of no where I felt his hand on my leg. Now, I knew I was gay but didn't know anyone else who was or what to do about it. When he touch me, I got really excited and thought I was going to pass out. I won't go into details on my blog (Maybe when I decide to publish the unedited version). Anyway, we had a wonderful time. I ended up almost losing my job because I kept taking Wednesday's off from work.

I was seventeen at the time and he was 35. To this day, I still like men around my age or older. They are much more sexier and real. I introduced Armand to some my friends. He took me to my first gay bar in Norfolk Virginia, called "Mickeys". When we made out at the bar, it felt so natural. I was so happy that other men had been born this way too. When I was hanging out with Armand I was happy. Before him, I felt as if my life was meaningless and the only thing to do was get drunk and do drugs.

One time, he and I had picked up a friend to go hang out and he put the move on my friend in the back seat. I was shocked. I was even more shocked when I my friend responded with pleasure. Now, I didn't LOVE Armand but I was crazy about him. He was my first after all. And did I mention how handsome he was?

By the end of my senior year, I had told my best girlfriend about him. It seems that her younger brother was gay and had a crush on me and I didn't know it at the time. Anyway, she wasn't happy about it because Armand was married to a woman. It was a mistake letting her in on it because she went to Armand's wife the next day and told her about us. I didn't know she had done it until I went over to visit and his wife pretty much cussed me out at the doorstep and told me to never come back! I saw Armand a few times after that and we still had great fun but it was time for me to move on.

So, I graduated high school that year in 1975 and was so happy to finished with school. Since there was no college in my future I wen to the gay bars in Norfolk and found the first hot man that would let me move in with him. His name was Steve Malik and he was an actor too. He taught me about poppers and living the "Gay" life. This lasted about six months. One day while he was at work, I packed my things in my car and left - no note, nothing. I wanted to find myself...

So many memories are flooding in my head right now, I have to stop. It's going to take about a week to put them together. So, see you all next week!!

Peace and Love,
Clayton

My Life

2008-06-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

I have errands to run. Scott will be coming home tomorrow, eBay is falling behind because I was sick yesterday and rehearsals are in full swing. I have to at least try to make the house look good.

One note before I go into my life. I have found that most people are good. The last entry was an exception to the rule. Someone really pushed my buttons and I went off. I am so blessed to have the most wonderful people in my life right now. Please live life to the fullest everyday.I love you all! Now, on with the show. LOL

My Life: So drama class was my next big adventure in my life and I started auditioning for more roles. The school decided to to do 3 one act plays in one night. I auditioned to be in the one called "Dope". It was about a drug user and dealer who tried to keep his sister from taking drugs. I got the lead!!!! The role was very difficult because my character "Louie" had to shoot up on stage, slow motion fight, slap his sister, go through withdrawals and then got shot and died in the end. I had already known about drugs but not to that extent. I did research on withdrawals and found out how bad it really could get for a person. Not easy to portray on stage but I felt I pulled it off.

One of the performances that my sister was at became legendary in my family history. She was watching the show and when I got shot she stood up and screamed "They Shot my brother". I think that was also the night that I almost knocked out the actress who played my sister on stage. I slapped her so hard she almost passed out. I really got into the role.

The show won me all the awards there were to be won at the school. I also won best talent in the eastern part of Virginia. I took the death scene to the state competition and didn't place. Some guy playing folk music on the guitar won.

From that show on, I auditioned for everything! I usually got cast in the lead roles. I was going to be Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady" but a senior told the director that was the only role he would take and he was the only other guy that was talented enough to do the role. That was ok because I enjoyed playing "Pickering" and won awards for that too.

I starred in "Albert's Bridge" and "The Thwarting of Baron Bolligrew" at the community theater. I thought for sure I was destined to be a star. I so couldn't wait to graduate high school and go to "The New York Academy Of Dramatic Arts". The problem was I didn't have the money for the tuition. No one ever told me about scholarships and my parents wouldn't help me. They focused more on my sister than any of the boys. I guess I was just a big pain in the ass to them. That's how I felt anyway. So, I had to try to make it on my own.

11th and12th grades were good to me in high school. I went to both proms. Had A's and B's (except in Government). During the 12th grade I only went to school for 3 classes and then off to work. It was a program back then that allowed work to count as class time. I loved it!

I also had an affair with a 35 yo that last year....

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Me & The Girls

2008-06-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

So Scott left for Utah yesterday to visit his family. It just me and the girls! I just hope he will be comfortable since there isn't a lot of room for an extra guest there. I know his Mom and Dad will make it as pleasant a stay as they can. They are both very caring.

I was very angry with people the other day. I watch wife swap and it seems people can't change any of their habits for one week without throwing a hissy fit. Men seem to be worse than women but both hate change. One week is not a lot to ask of someone. Heck, I changed a lot of my habits for 6 months while Scott was going through treatments. I had to imagine if it were ME, how would I like to be treated? Are people really so selfish they can't sacrifice for their family for one week? It's hard to imagine but they are out there. They better watch out for Karma when comes to bite them in the butt!

Today I am volunteering to man a booth at the pride festival for AGLA. There had better be shade! 12 noon to 3PM at the booth and then Michele and Betty are going to meet me to go around to the other booths. Should be fun!

I'm working on a big surprise for Scott when he gets home. It's not a party, so don't go there. Anyone who wants to help, drop me a line. I can't give the details since he will probably read this before he gets home.

I will be leaving here in about an hour so I have other things I need to attend to. With rehearsals for the show and my surprise for Scott and eBay, I won't have much time to blog. I promise I will get back into my life and more when things settle down. Hopefully within a week or less.

Peace & Love
Clayton

It's Been A Week

2008-06-08T04:58:00.001-07:00

Time has flown by this week. When I get wrapped up in rehearsals there's not much time left for other things. I'm having a hard time learning some of the music from the show and it's going to be a real challenge for me. I just hope I don't disappoint. I'm giving it my all and Scott says I sound good and have very good musicality. If I could add sound this site I would have added a piece that we taped during rehearsal.

Scott seems to have hurt his rib or something where they are giving him the radiation treatment. I'd be doing something and out of no where I hear "OW". He moved wrong again. I took him to rehearsal with me on Saturday so he didn't have to be alone at home. 4 more days of treatment and it's over! Let's just pray it stays gone and he does not have to go through this again.

It is already hot out and getting hotter. Yesterday was so stuffy we couldn't breathe outside. The worse the weather gets, the more I go GREEN. I have been recycling for years. Today, though, I use reusable grocery bags, give stuff away on free cycle, pick up used packing peanuts from others and even have a GREEN glass cleaner. I'm sure I'll be doing more to help the environment in the future. Add a little at a time and it becomes habit. I'm still not smoking since I quit in October and don't want to smoke. After 35 years, that a big accomplishment.

My Life: Last time I wrote I was in the 10th Grade. Menchville High School was brand new. It had a smoking lounge for the students and one for the teachers. Two cafeterias, huge sports field and locker rooms and gym. Nice big theater and large classrooms. I began to appreciate school that year for the first time since I was a little kid. I enrolled in Drama and my teachers name was Joyce Spencer. One of the few teachers names I remember.

My first exercise in Drama Class was to say one sentence 3 different ways. My sentence was "Did you throw that brick through the window?" I did ok but not as good as the guy who did "It's Dead". That was the beginning. I was hooked. The first year the class put on "The Miracle Worker" about Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan. I auditioned for one of the male parts and was not cast. I was so upset over not getting a role that I went to the community theater in Fort Eustis and auditioned for them. They were doing a Musical called "The Apple Tree" and I got cast in multiple roles. My first show!

That year molded me a lot to who I am today. I became popular with the regular kids and even some of the black students. There were no such things as African Americans back then. I really came out of my shell and it was easy for me to talk to anyone. I definitely would recommend Drama Class to all kids. Whether it be on stage or behind the scenes.

Taking drama took away much of the Drama in my real life. I still did all the things I had done before but not as excessive, or so I thought. I graduated 10th grade with B's mostly. 11th grade I did better and was in one of the hardest roles ever for me to perform......... Next time

Today I have eBay, yard work, pictures and celebrating John A. Birthday. If there is drama today, make it fun drama!

Peace & Love

Clayton

It has Begun

2008-06-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone got to read Scott's blog. He has a brilliant idea about a charity and personally I think it rocks. We are a society that thinks money fixes everything when in actuality it doesn't. It helps us survive by providing the essentials in life. Many times those who are unfortunate because of circumstances like cancer have to go without the little things that make life more enjoyable.

Here is a list of things I came up with for Scott's charity. Dog Grooming and people haircuts for caregivers. Washing the car, cutting the grass (yard work), cleaning a room or house, watching a movie with each other, massages, errands like picking up meds or post office. So many things one could volunteer for. As soon as I know what I can do to help, I am signing up! With all the help we received since Scott became ill, I know I want to give back. Like that movie "Pay It Forward".

I don't have much time and I have to get to rehearsal:

Rehearsals have begun. Bear Beach is off the ground. It is a musical in the genre of Beach Blanket Bingo meets the Bermuda Triangle meets the Gay Bear community. It is already being advertised in "Bears Life" Magazine and will be filmed for the LOGO channel in early July.

I had no idea this was going to be as big as it already is. I just went to the audition to have fun. Now I have 5 roles that include dancing and singing. My poor legs!

Umbrella's here I come.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

What's In A Name?

2008-05-26T04:57:00.000-07:00

3 shows in one weekend for me. 2 for Scott. "House of Blue Leaves", "Richard The III" & "The Happiest Time". I was house manager at Dominion Stage for the first one. Saw a couple of friends in the second one. The third one was at the Signature theater which is professional and a young man from "Jack and the Giant" that Scott directed was in that one. He did a really amazing job and we are very proud of him.

It was a big yard sale weekend and I spent all my money on things to resell. Scott even went with me to one yard sale that was a benefit for a 4 year old girl with cancer and her single father. It so hard to comprehend that children have to suffer through diseases like cancer. Since Scott was diagnosed, we have met or heard of many people who have kicked the disease or is fighting it. Some have lost the battle and some have to fight it more than once. The human body is an amazing entity. We can endure so much. See the picture above...that had to be tough to go through life with too.

It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day out and we many actually go to a memorial day pool party for an hour. It will depend on Scott and how he is feeling. I also want to do some yard work and computer work. There are no holidays in my business.

My life: Yes, I almost killed a kid. I was driving around the neighborhood with my best friend friend when out of no where a kid on a bicycle flew through a stop sign and right in front of me. Another one of those slow motion type things. I saw him the second he hit the hood and he must have flown 6 feet straight up in the air and landed in the street in front of my car. The kid he was racing missed me by inches. I was only going 20-25 miles an hour but it was enough to cause damage because of his speed to. He was rushed to the hospital and ended up having slight brain damage. There was nothing I could do and I had never felt so hopeless in my life before. The parents tried to pin the accident on me but luckily there was someone in their yard that day that saw the whole thing and told the police it wasn't my fault. The witness wasn't a friend of mine even though she had gone to the same school as me. If it had not been for her, who knows what would have happened. And...it was one of the few times I was actually sober and not high. This is the type of thing that stays in your mind all your life.

You would think that I would have learned something from this experience. I did. I have always, since then, gone the speed limit or less in residential neighborhoods. Heck, just yesterday 2 kids on bikes were riding down their driveways into the middle of the street without looking. Freaked Scott out but I was calm and cool because I saw them coming and knew what they were doing. My oldest brother and one of my closest friends were killed because they didn't look before running into the street. It's a horrible way to die and very hard on their loved ones.

The next year in high school wasn't as dramatic as the 9th. I listened to Janis Joplin before I went to be, still got high and did many other types of drugs like acid and cocaine, drank and took Drama Class for the first year. I also learned a lot about who I was...

That's all for now. So much to do and so little time as usual. I also have to learn my lines for the show I am in this July. It is called "Bear Beach" and will be at the Fringe Festival in Washington DC. Here is the link: www.bearbeachmusical.com

I hope it turns out alright because I am worried that I am not getting enough rehearsals. I have lots of work to do. The cast is brilliant and the script is fun. Love the music too. I'll keep updating as I go.

Love & Peace

Clayton

Getting Better

2008-05-23T05:14:00.000-07:00

Things are getting better. Scott is not as sick as you has been in the past. Since he has stopped the chemo treatments he has been moving around better and feeling much better. He still gets tired and I have to help him with daily stuff. Going up and down the stairs all day gets to be work in itself.

The doctor's say that he is not able to drive for 6 months! Thank God we both have some friends that are willing to help out since he has to be at the hospital every weekday for 3 weeks. If it weren't for these wonderful people, I would be driving him and I would end up bankrupt and broken. Between keeping the house in somewhat order, doing laundry, cooking and my eBay I have very little time as it is. I praise all of you for your thoughtfulness and giving in these difficult times.

Another big surprise came in the mail the other day. It was a giant cooler from Omaha Steaks and it was filled with goodies. Omaha Steaks is one of those websites I go to and dream that I can afford to buy from them. Well, an angel on earth must have heard my thoughts and sent us a combination package. The food is fantastic and I can't thank her enough.

And, one day we get back from something we were doing and there's a bag of groceries on the back step. More wonderful items from another wonderful woman. All of this just brings tears to my eyes. It's almost like being on some reality TV show that shows how giving some people really are.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. With all this support, we are getting through this thing a lot better now. A lot of stress has filtered away and we are smiling more. To all of you... You have made a difference in our lives and we are lucky to have you as our friends! We love you all!

My Life: The summer of 72 was when I went to summer school the first and only time. I didn't mind it as bad as I thought I would. Once I was smoking a joint outside of class and didn't know the teacher was actually watching me from the window upstairs in the classroom. When class resumed she just made fun of me and I thought it was hilarious. It wasn't as big a deal back then as it is now. During the weekends and at nights I would go to my friends house who had a tree house and we would all spend hours there just smoking dope and laughing. We made up stories, songs, poems and more and were free from parents. The boy who owned that tree house died a couple of years after I graduated high school. He was hit by a car crossing the street.

I remember a big marsh area too where I used to go and just lay out in the sun and dream of a life with no problems or worries.

I was eventually fired from the job on base and had to go to work at "Minnie Pearls Chicken". I also started as a painter at an apartment complex. So now I had 2 jobs and beginning the 10th grade. Plus I lived on my own. I started to grow up real quick but didn't learn that drugs and alcohol were bad for me for another 27 years. What I did learn is that you work hard for the money and life is a lot tougher when you're not supported by your parents. I'm glad that my parents taught me stuff like cooking and laundry before I moved out.

This was also the year I almost killed someone... next time.

Memorial Day weekend is coming upon us and there looks to be a lot of yard sales. Craig's list is filled with them. Maybe I can find some good stuff to sell. I did pick up a lot of lab stuff from a client to sell so I have a lot of things to list. The client also gave me a bunch of rare jazz cd's to sell. Most of them are already listed. To see my auctions go to: http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZclaytonQQfrppZ50QQfsopZ32QQfsooZ2QQrdZ0

Again, thank you all for being there for the two of us!

Love & Peace,
Clayton

Picture

2008-05-18T07:53:00.001-07:00

Reminds me of ...

So Little Time

2008-05-18T05:18:00.000-07:00

So Scott has been home for a few days now. On Thursday two sweet, wonderful women came by and helped me to clean this place. I have only known them a few months but it seems we have been friends for a long time. They cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted and helped with making this home more livable. Amazing women!

Scott's Cousin and husband arrived on Friday. Lot's of family talk about who's doing what and how old everyone is now that I pretty much left them alone to catch up. On Saturday I went to yard sales (Lots of Marvel Comics from the 90's) and then they all drove around DC to see some of the sites. They cleaned the wheelchair and pushed Scott around for a few hours. I stayed home and cleaned out the flooded shed out back. Saturday night we went to see a play "Barefoot In The Park" at Castaways in Woodbridge. Our friend directed it and another was in it. We enjoyed that and got home late.

It's been awhile since I had any time to update my story so here we go. My Life: The skating rink was a big hangout. There was a small group of trees that we would go and smoke some weed. My friends and I did this most every night back then. Pot only cost $20.00 an ounce and you could get nickel bags if you had $5.00. This one particular night, my little sister decided she wanted to come with us. She was 12 at the time. I didn't like it when she hung out with us but I didn't tell her to go away either. We were all smoking some weed when a police officer showed up out of no where. The pipe was thrown to the ground and I stepped on it. We all lied to the officer of course but he had seen us smoking and told me to move away from what I was standing on. Plus, I'm sure the smell was overpowering. What idiots we were. Anyway, the officer was going to take all of us to jail for possession. I decide this was not a good thing for my little sister and that I would probably get into mega amounts of trouble. I told the officer it was my pipe and that was all the dope we had left. He took me to jail and let everyone else go home.

My parents bailed me out that night. They told me that I would have to pay all the court costs, lawyer fees, and any fines associated with the ordeal. I was found guilty of possession of paraphernalia and fined $1,000.00.

At that age I had been working on the army base as a bag boy in the commissary. I made very decent money from tips and was able to pay the fine off and another $1,000 for the lawyer. It was the most expensive bowl of marijuana I had ever smoked in my life.

My mother taught me at a young age that everyone needed to work for a living and that "money didn't grow on trees". I was a paperboy for awhile. I mowed lawns and even sold gum and candy in school. I would get it cheap at the commissary and mark it up at school since back then there were no vending machines. I was promoted from bag boy to front desk clerk & stock boy at the base and was bringing home even more money than before. Sometimes the boss wouldn't let me be at the desk because I smelled like booze from the night before.

On the weekends I would also go to the base and swim at the gym. Secretly, I enjoyed watching the army guys work out. I didn't know why I was attracted to them and thought something was terribly wrong with me.

By the end of the ninth grade I had had enough of living at home. My mother and I got into a big fight one night and I told her I was moving out. She pretty much laughed at me and told me to go. I left that night. I never lived at home again. I moved in with a couple of older friends that had an apartment and started a whole new life. (I believe the fight was over me failing the 9th grade and having to go to summer school to make up the loss) More on that next time...

It has begun to rain ...again! I am sick of everything flooding and getting wet and being cold out. Where is summer!!!!!!!

Tag

2008-05-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

It's like a game of tag with the hospital. He went back yesterday because he couldn't hold any food down. He also could not get up from the kneeling position without help. When we got to the hospital I insisted that they keep him although I knew they would anyway. More dehydration and horrible migraines.

Between taking care of him and going back and forth to the hospital, I have been getting this house in somewhat decent shape. Scott has some relatives coming to visit and I needed to set up a bed for them to sleep in. I tore up the entire spare room and basement. I had to suck out (with a wet vac) gallons of water after the flood from all the rain too. I have to say it is finally taking shape but not near completed. Thank god I'm not a lazy man or nothing would be done. My body does ache though from all the lifting and up and down the stairs etc.

I am in better spiits. Not sure why but who cares. I've probably reached that plateau that says "complaining will do you no good" and my mind is doing it's best to think happy and good thougyts. That sounded so vanilla creme with cherries that I almost gagged!

I have much more to do and wanted to do a quick update. Still to come is the story when I was 15 and got caught smoking dope with my 12 year old sister outside the bowling alley. Hey, I didn't know any better...

Love, kisses, hugs and all that stuff.

Peace,

Clayton

He's Back

2008-05-12T11:16:00.001-07:00

Scott is home and doing much better. If you want to call him, he is up to it. I'll blog later.
Clayton

Another Set Back

2008-05-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Last night about 7:00 PM, Scott and I were watching TV when out of no where, he fell off the bed and had a grand mal seizure. I have never seen anything like this except on some TV show like House or ER. Anyway, his eyes were rolling around in his head, he was gurgling with heavy breathing, his knuckles were crunch up into little balls and he was shaking violently. I looked for about a second or two and almost froze. The dogs started to go bizerk and I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. I was transferred 3 times before I got the person that would help me on the phone. The ambulance arrived within 5 minutes. (the station is a few blocks from our home). I couldn't leave the bedroom to open the door since Scott had fallen into the doorway and the dogs were going insane. I yelled to the paramedics to come upstairs! When they came up they grabbed one of the dining room chairs to put Scott in it to take him down the stairs. Scott had begun to regain consciousness but did not know what was going on. He didn't really find out what happened until he was in the ambulance and on the way to the hospital.

I threw on some clothes, let dogs out to pee and grabbed all Scott's medications and wallet and drove to the hospital. When I arrived he was still a bit out of it but getting better. He had to get a CT scan and other tests. They finally concluded that he should stay overnight for observation and other tests. I left him at the hospital around 11:30 PM.

This morning we find that he has more tests to do and that they want to keep him for another night. They have also told him that he may not be able to even drive for 6 months. (I can only hope that NIH gives him a different and better diagnosis. If he is unable to drive until November, we might go insane. We'll have to work out something.

He did regain his appetite after all of this. He hasn't been eating well for quite some time and has lost way over 20 pounds. The seizure, somehow, gave him his appetite back. Who would've thunk?

Also today, a friend came by and brought us a casserole. What a lifesaver for me. Just the thought of cooking right now is unbearable. Another of his work colleagues called and said he had some comic books for him and was going to visit him in the hospital. Plus, one of our favorite married couples called and said they were going to bring hims some deviled eggs and pears.

I am so thankful to everyone who has helped us during these rough times. The emails, calls and donations of food, time, rides etc have been a God send. I know that Scott is going to need more than I can provide for him in the future so if you have time or want to help him out, he is going to need rides to and from the hospital and maybe even more once we kick the cancer part!

He is at Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington. Room 820 if you want to visit. His room phone number is 703-717-7820. Visiting hours are until 8PM every night. Hopefully he will be back home tomorrow afternoon.

people keep asking me what I need. Whenever my mother would ask me that I would say one million dollars. That's my way of saying, I hate to impose or be a burden. There really isn't much anyone can do for me. I do need help in the home if anyone wants to volunteer. Cleaning and moving things and trying to organize.

I have a lot of stuff for sale too if anyone is looking for something. Lots of CD's, women's clothes, furniture and what nots. That's about all for now.

As usual, it's back to work. I don't have a lot of time to go into my past story right now but will add to it later in the week. Thank you all again for being there,

Love & Peace,

Clayton

2008-05-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

Just a fun picture. Our babies do this to all their stuffed animals. Gotta love em!

He's Home

2008-05-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

Scott came home today. Still not well, but at least he's home and comfortable. I'm hoping that this will boost his spirits. I know when I am happy, I feel better even if I'm sick. Does that make any sense? Anyway, the babies are not leaving his side except to go out and pee and stuff. Welcome home!

I also had lunch today with a close friend and really enjoyed his company. He and his wife are 2 of the most wonderful people in the world. Bringing us homemade pies and bread on the weekends. It was nice to get off work this morning and enjoy his company over some good food. I had an excellent chef salad. (need to lose a few pounds as I feel really fat).

I am not going to write about my past tonight because I just don't feel like it right now. eBay is doing horribly at the moment. I have a ton of housework still to do. (cleaned the refrigerator yesterday for 2 hours!) Small yard that needs lots of attention and a ton of stuff to go through to try and sell, toss or donate. Another friend picked up the safe that was from the storage unit and is going to try and crack it. Maybe there will be a nice bonus inside.

So, now I am looking for curtains to liven up this ugly home. I got a couple of curtain rods off freecycle. Anything to brighten up our daily lives. The least I can do to try and make this place nicer to look at.

So for now, Peace & Love

Clayton

How does he do it?

2008-05-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

I am so amazed with Scott at this moment. He has been in the hospital since Thursday and doesn't know when he will be getting out. He has developed all kinds of infections. Once they cure one of them another pops up. He takes his medicine, lays in bed and watches TV. Doesn't even complain. I would be so angry and ready to either kill myself or someone else if I were in his position. I don't know how he does it. Although he is antzy, he has such patience. It's hard for him to eat anything because he has an infection in his mouth. He keeps trying different things like italian ice, ensure, milkshakes and anything that's not to painful to swallow. He has lost over 20 pounds. I told him that this is the worst diet he has ever chosen to go on.

The drive to and from NIH has gotten a little easier. I listen to some of my favorite cd's. Michael Buble, Cher, Sound's of the 80's, the Soundtrack of the Show I am in and anything else that might take my mind off things. Right now I am listening to Matchbox 20 - Mad Season. I really hate driving but Scott let's me use his car to make it easier on gas.

So I came home from the visit this morning and started to tear up the small dinning room we have. I actually made some room and it looks half way decent. I vacuumed, washed dishes, took pictures for eBay, went through some bags from the storage unit, did some hauling of boxes and am now doing my blog. I pulled a muscle again in my abdomen and I have to be careful how I move or else I scream out in pain. Pain keeps me alive - LOL!

Although a few people do keep in touch with me, I feel so alone sometimes. Email sometimes just doesn't replace that feeling of comoraderie with a live human. When rehearsals start to go into full swing, I'll feel much more alive. Right now it's as if I am just going through the motions of living. I keep so busy doing things, it's hard to have any fun. I have so much to do to clean out the clutter and make money to pay the bills that I forgot how to have fun.

I am a strong person and I keep my chin up. Just, every once in a while, I need to bitch moan and complain. I have to cut the grass too (Jut remembered). Yikes!!!!

My life: So I ran away when I was in the 9th grade. I had planned to do it with a friend of mine (can't remember who), but he backed out at the last moment. I so hated school and following the rules at home that I packed a bag and hit the road. Since I have always hated cold weather, I decide to run to Florida. I stuck my thumb out and made it from Virginia to Florida in less than 2 days. I was picked up and dropped off but numerous types of people. From little old ladies to truck drivers. At times I walked for miles. I remember falling asleep in one guys car. So I mde it to Jacksonville Florida and couldn't go any futher without resting. I stayed in mission for one night. They made everyone go to church before light's out and talked to me a lot about Jesus and religion. It was the first time I actually paid attention to the subject. Almost converted me.

The next day, I got caught shoplifting a comb at a drug store. The store didn't press charges but I was trown in jail for running away. I looked so much older than my age and was so tall they put me with the older kids. At first I refused to give them any information about me but I gave in. They put me in a cell by myself the first night and I made toilet paper airplanes all night. The guard wasn't very happy with me and made me clean my cell. At one of the meal times I remember asking some kid why he was there and he said to me "Because I f----ed my mother". I no longer felt tough after that. The next night they put me in a cell with an older kid that threatened to rape me. I slept under the bed. I was there for about 5 days. Come to find out, my parents were informed where I was and decided that a few days there would do me good. When I found this out, I was furious! They did pick me up and brought me back home.

The first day back at school, I walked into a class and everyone started clapping. I was a hero to them. It seems my sister had told everyone what had happpened. I'm sure she made me look like a hero but I was just really stupid. I think a week passed before I ran away again.

Yes, a week. This time though I was only gone one night and didn't even leave my neighborhood. I decided it wasn't worth all the trouble. My next big memory after all this was when I got busted for posession of paraphenalia. next time....

I have attached a picture of me and my brothers (B&W), I'm on the left. The other one is of me and my brothers with my mom. This was about the time I was taking pictures of her.

So, back to work.

Peace & Love

Here We Go Again

2008-05-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

I took Scott to the hospital again this morning. By the time we got there he had a temperature of 103.8 and could barely move. He was dehydrated and they hooked him up to an IV again. He is now doing better with a normal temperature. It seems that when he finishes with chemo he gets ill again. I don't understand it and just hope the doctor's know what the hell they are doing. He is going to beat this!

I also went an AA meeting last night for the first time in 9 months. No, I did not feel like drinking and I haven't touched a drink for over 7.5 years. I just needed to vent and talk out loud and see other people with problems. It did make me feel a little better but not as much as I hoped. I can't get into it because it is anonymous you know.

So today I have also been running errands and trying to get some work done. I had Scott's car inspected, did his banking and went to the post office. Made lunch, took pictures and watched Brooke get kicked off American Idol. I would rather see David Archuletta go home. He is not as talented as the rest and is getting on my last nerve with his smile and hand scoops.

My life: Still in the 9th grade. I think this is a 100 chapter version of my life. I love to exaggerate! Anyway, I used to also sneak into my parents liquor cabinet and take a little bit of liquor from each bottle and fill my own bottles. I would also refill theirs with water if I took more than usual. One time at school i had two small bottles of booze in my top pocket and was running down the halls of the school to get to a class when both bottle flew out of my pocket and went crashing to the floor in a huge explosion. I remember it like it was yesterday. It seemed to happen in slow motion. The thought of losing the precious liquid was so overwhelming I didn't even think about what anyone else would say. When the bottles broke and the concoction went all over the place it happened to also hit a teacher. The teacher grabbed me and took me to the principals office. I told the principle that I had no idea where the bottles came from and they were in the hall when I kicked them by accident. There was no proof that they were mine since no one saw them fly out my pocket. The principal called my mother to the office and when she got there he told her that I was going to be suspended for a few days. My mother laughed at him and told him that, that was exactly what I wanted and it would be better punishment if he kept me in school and kept an eye on me. She knew me too well sometimes. I was NOT suspended and they didn't even keep an eye on me.

Many times during the year I would also go to the Burger King right down the street and hang out there. I would always get extra onions, pickles and lettuce on my burger so it would be much bigger than usual and I could eat 2 of them at a time.

I started to grow my hair then too. That was the year I met the "Freaks" as we were called. We were the ones that wore the long coats, grew long hair, smoked dope and did drugs. We skipped school, smoked cigarettes in the lounge and loved bands like Led Zeppelin, Steppenwolf, Santana, Pink Floyd, Alice Cooper and Jethro Tull. I actually saw Tull that year. I was so tripping on acid that I can only remember Ian singing Aqualung. I also went to see Alice Cooper 3 different times. He had a show, not just a concert. And, I won 2 tickets to see The Beach Boys. I didn't find a date so I sold one of the tickets, went by myself and hated it! I won the tickets by guessing how many gumballs were in a jar. I was one off. I think I saw Chicago perform that year too and didn't much care for them either.

That was the year I ran away from home for the first time too. That will be in my next chapter.

I have to get back to work now. I have some listings to do, more pictures to take and I have to look over my script for the show I am in. More on that later too. I am so looking forward to just resting and doing nothing sometime soon. I wish I knew a way to win an all expense paid vacation. LOL Maybe I'll buy a 5.00 lottery ticket. That is a big splurge for me. So until next time boys and girls, live simply and give more.

Peace & Love,
Clayton

Oh, I am looking to post some pictures of my family and me when I figure out how to copy the DVD I have of all the 8mm films from growing up. I can't seem to copy it to my computer and Scott is too ill to try to figure it out.

Don't Judge

2008-04-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Good Morning

2008-04-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

Good morning. It's Sunday and I have a busy day ahead of me. I've already washed the dishes and did all the email from last night. I plan on finding pictures and reels that I can put on this blog to show everyone what my family looks like. You know, put a face to the name. I have to take Scott to the hospital today - it's his long day and we will be there for hours! If I had a laptop I could work while waiting. eBay is doing just horrible these past couple of weeks. I think the change in weather has people not shopping. So, I need to get different items up.

Thursday I got another client and he gave me a bunch of pharmaceutical equipment to sell. Stuff like test tubes and beakers for labs. I hope it brings in something. It works like this: The client gives me the items to sell. I put them up on eBay with pictures and descriptions. Every item I list cost a certain amount to list and then if it sells I get charged a percentage fee on top of that. If it doesn't sell, it takes a loss. The average cost of a listing is .35 to 2.00. Once the item sells, I deduct the costs from the final value. The profit is then split in two. 50% for the client and 50% for me. It is as fair as can be since I am doing all the work. I also have to go to the post office everyday to ship the items out. I made one person a good bunch of money on music Cd's by selling them for just over 3.00 each. It all adds up in the end. Anyway, I have eBay to work on today too.

My Life: Ah, the teenage years. Ninth grade rolled around and busing went into effect that year. The just built high school (still smelled new) I had gone to in the 8th grade was no longer going to be my school even though it was less then 5 miles from my home. I was going to be bussed downtown to Carver Middle School. Yes, it was an all black neighborhood and very poor area of town. Although I knew black people I really hadn't been exposed to a bunch of them at one time. My parents were very angry about busing. My step-dad was quite racist when he was young and wouldn't allow black kids on his lawn. He's definitely changed over the years. Within the first month of being in this new school, there was a walkout (protest) by the students. I was one of the first ones to walk out too. I proudly sat in the schoolyard while the newspaper photographers took our names and pictures for the paper. The main reason I did protest was I hated the distance the school was from home and missed being at the new school. I didn't understand why it was so important for people of color to interact more and that it had to be forced on us. Looking back, I still think it was a stupid idea the politicians came up with. The 9th grade changed me so much because of this law.

I hated the school with a passion. I skipped classes all the time. Some days I would get off the bus and just go to the stores downtown. A bunch of friends ad I would go have hot chocolate and then go to the train exhibits and sleep in the trains. We would find wooded areas and just hang out and get stoned. Anything to not have to be at that school. I actually went to math class maybe 3 times the whole year.

French class was another story. The teacher was some prissy man who was very nellie. Another new exposure for me. He would flutter up and down the aisles in the classroom. I found it to be disgusting even though deep down in my heart I knew I was attracted to men. He was not a man. Anyway, one day someone passed gas and blamed it on me. The teacher grabbed a can of Lysol and started to spray my pants. I was enraged and grabbed the can from him and threw it across the room. I walked out and never went back.

I failed miserably that year. Straight F's except one D my first semester. It barely got any better and I did have to go to summer school to pass the 9th grade. This year had so many events that I will have to break it up in my blog.

So, I will stop for now and get some work done. I know some of you are going through some rough times too and I will be happy to listen if you need an ear to chew on. That's what friends are for.

Love & Peace
Clayton

My Grandmother

2008-04-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to put a picture of my Grandmother up. In her 20's and about a year before she passed away at 69 years old. She was a funny woman. Once she said to me "Don't you think my husband has nice legs?" She didn't marry for the first time until she was around 60. She was a single mom in Italy when she left to come to the USA. Her and my mother would argue all the time in Italian. It was very typical to yell at each other every day for them. I guess that's one of the reasons why I don't yell very often. I never did understand what it was all about. Of course, I only learned a little bit of Italian and most of that was cuss words. I did, however, know when they were talking about me.

I almost forgot. She was a psychic and could tell a person about who they were and their lives. She used to tell my Mother stuff until she predicted my brother would die and he did. That's how she made a living. I learned some things from her but I have no where near her talent.

I tend to be the silent angry person but I am learning to let my feelings out. I don't know what is worse. Sometimes I feel I complain way too much. I'm getting old and going through the change - LOL. I think I want to paint my fingernails black - Now that is weird.

Anyway, I love you Gigi and I miss you. You will always be alive in me.

Love & Peace,
Clayton

A Bloody Mess

2008-04-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

Good morning. Scott is coming home from the hospital today so I have to go pick him up around 1:00 PM. I was supposed to go to my job this morning but just was not up to it. I am so far behind in everything that I called B and told her to go back to bed. Yesterday while I was packing up items for eBay, I was cutting a cardboard box. Yup, I slipped and sliced open my left thumb right where it meets the palm. Blood was everywhere. Luckily, I knew where all the gauze was and cleaned and dressed the wound. I didn't panic in the least bit and it really didn't hurt that bad. I do have a high tolerance for pain. Anyway, after cleaning the blood up, I finished the packing for shipping. I then went to the post office, a video store to pick up some DVD's of my family and then to NIH to visit Scott.

While I was at NIH, a nurse looked at my wound and told me I should go to a hospital. I left Scott and went to Arlington Hospital emergency room and had 4 stitches installed. Lost another 3 hours doing that, which set my schedule back on eBay and work around the home.

The mink stole fur was in the unit and up for sale on eBay. Just a sample of what I do on eBay.

All the rain the past few days set me back too. I have all this stuff that I have to do outdoors and couldn't. I finally finished cleaning out the storage unit and there is stuff everywhere. A lot of it will be trashed. I can't believe all the nasty clothes they saved. I even had a dream about the socks last night. The woman had come to me and asked if she could have her bag of socks. I told her they were skanky and I threw them away. So, Lots more clothes to go through.

My Life: I really hated my first year in high school. When I was in the 8th grade I was going through that strange change in a boys life. hair was growing everywhere and I had pimples the size of quarters all over my face and back. Sometimes an occasional one on my butt! I still have the scars as you can see when you look at me. Thank god the ones on my butt didn't scar. I was teased by my first locker partner. He was the bully of the school. I remember I had bought the LP "The Guess Who" and put it in my locker. He stole it and of course denied taking it. He also threatened to beat me up everyday. I did well with my grades and all just not to good with kid skills that year.

I started hanging out at the roller rink. I would get stoned and roller skate. It was like being free. One night the bully was there and he came up behind me without me knowing it and he threw me into the wall. My head hit the wall and I passed out. He then began to beat the living s___ out of me. I didn't feel a thing. I woke up in a police car and they drove me home. My mother saw the blood and swelling on my face and just accused me of being on drugs. She didn't believe me when I told her about the bully. My 2 older brothers found out what happened and asked everyone who the guy was. When they found out they went looking for him. It seems the bully found out they were looking for him and ran away from home. I never saw or heard from him again. I was so proud to have my brothers!

Things began to spiral after all that. I would still go to the bowling alley and get stoned and drunk. No one noticed. I learned how to socialize with other kids and it was this period of time when I started to hang out with the bad kids. Heck, I was one of them! Not much else happened that I remember during the 8th grade. The next year was probably the most insane year I had in school. I'll write about that next time.

So, now I have to go clean out the patio a little. Put some things away in the bedroom & living room and take some pictures for eBay. Go to the post office and then pick up Scott. Then back to eBay and start selling some more, plan and cook dinner, take care of the dogs and Scott, do the dishes and if I have any time left, see a play that a friend of mine is in at Gunston. It's a pay what you can show and it got great reviews. I forget the name of it right now.

Scott better look out when he gets better. LOL

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Another Turn

2008-04-21T04:58:00.000-07:00

I had to take Scott to the hospital last night. He was having really bad pain in his bones (Shoulder). The doctor gave him dilaudit and took x-rays. We should hear back today what is going on. This is getting to be a lot harder than we thought it was going to be. More when I find out more.

Peace Love,
Clayton

Blondes Have more fun

2008-04-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

I forgot to add that I am now a blonde. Makes me look a little younger, but not much. I may be old on the outside but on the inside, look out!

Wow! I have been busy!!!!

2008-04-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since last I wrote. Scott came home from the hospital on Thursday. A friend picked him up and brought him home since I was working on growing my business and was at an auction that morning. First of all Scott is getting better but he is still weak and tires very easily. I do my best to help but I tend to still raise my voice without the realization that I am doing it. I get busy with too many things at one time and forget that he needs help. I can be so bad some times.

The auction on Thursday was at a storage unit. Once a month the storage people put up the entire contents of units for auction. The units are 3 months in arrears. They cut the lock, you can look inside but not touch and then the auction begins. There was one unit up this month and I won the auction. It was a huge unit with furniture, books, jewelery, clothes, knick-knacks, pictures and more. I paid a couple hundred for it and expect to at least double my investment. It will depend on the jewelery. There are a couple pieces of furniture that are really nice and should sell. A lot of stuff had to be thrown away. One other thing was a big safe. It has a combination lock so I can't open it. Maybe there is a small fortune in it, I hope. Anyway, research on how to get it open is in the works.

So, I have been hauling, sorting and cleaning stuff for 3 days now and only have a few more items left. There is an old microwave that needs cleaning so I will give that away or toss it. If you know someone that can't afford one, let me know. Between all of this and home life I have been in a lot of pain too. My legs just aren't what they used to be and the neuropathy has been making them hurt even more. I only have a few items left in the unit and will clean them out today. Once that is done, back to eBay!

The Past: One or two more stories of me under the age of 13. I played hookie from school one day just for the hell of it. While I was lying in bed and reading the newspaper (my Mom taught me to read the want ads) I came across an audition for the Jolly Jack Clowns. I told my mom that I was feeling better and she should take me to the audition, which she did. I don't remember exactly what I did but the troupe accepted me and I became a clown. I actually got paid for clown gigs in churches and synagogues and such. Thus the beginning of my acting career.

Speaking of Churches. Remember my Mom was a nun in Italy so of course she was catholic. She tried her to raise all of us as catholic but it didn't work for me. I hated church so much that when I was around 8, I locked myself in the bedroom on Sunday and refused to come out. That was the last time she tried to force me to go to church. I did go a couple of times after that over the years (Christmas, Christenings etc) but even skipped out on the holidays most of the time. Organized religion was a big turn off for me. Today, I don't condemn any religions and I feel everyone has the right to worship what they believe. I just don't like it when someone tries to convert me to their side. I have my own beliefs at the moment and am very happy with them. I won't go into much more because it is a private affair. The only other thing about religion I have to mentioned is: Think! If you believe in something, don't be a hypocrite and condemn others for their beliefs! We are all human and we are all equal in the yes of God!

So, off that subject. It is now raining and I have stuff to remove from the unit. Scott is still asleep. Pictures need to be taken and I have to secure the stuff in the basement for the impending flood. At least the dogs went out and did their business before it started. They are divas and hate the rain. There's some thunder, I better log off.

Peace and Love,
Clayton

Coming Home

2008-04-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

Scott is coming home today. YAY! Thank you to Brenda for picking him up since I could not be there.

Another Night

2008-04-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well, Scott has to stay another night in the hospital. Maybe tomorrow he'll come home. I'm resting at the moment and will add more later.

Scott is OK

2008-04-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

It looks as if Scott is going to be OK. I just got back from the hospital and they are keeping him another night. His white blood cell count is on the rise and they are taking good care of him. I am glad that he was admitted because there is nothing I could have done here at home. I am very impressed with NIH.

Now... I still have a ton of things going on here. eBay has not been doing too well so I have to figure out how to get some better items. I am going to an auction on Thursday and hopefully will find some collectibles. In the meantime I will trudge away with what I have.

I have been cleaning out things that have been in this house for years. Still finding odds and ends. Just came across a bunch of Princess Diana newspaper articles and 2 People Magazines with her on the cover when she was pregnant. Guess what I'm going to do with them - That;'s right Rocky, eBay.

I realized where I get the pack rat and selling from. When I was a kid, my Mom and I would drive around on trash day and pull peoples stuff out of their cans and then resell it in our yard sales. She would also make craft things from home and send me door to door selling them. Who can resist a cute kid selling stuff? I still do the trash thing now. If I can't sell it, I donate it to Goodwill and get a tax write off. Pretty much I recycle as much as I can.

One other thing my Mom taught me was to steal. Yes, you heard it right. We would be in a store and she would tell me how much she really like those earrings and then walk away from me. She knew I would put them in my pocket and give them to her when we got back in the car. I think I was around 8 or so when that started. I got busted when I was 15 for stealing a Sonny & Cher 8Track at King's Department Store. That didn't stop from from stealing in the future. I finally gave up shop lifting when I was in my 30's because I became too afraid. Thank god for that! Now a days it still pops in my mind but I wouldn't do it. I am too old for jail and too poor to pay any fines if I get caught. You might be shocked to learn all of this but it was how I was raised and I am the one that had to learn right from wrong. Pretty much the only thing I was taught was not to hurt anyone in the family. Italians, you gotta love em! or not!

I started smoking and drinking at a young age too. Back in the 70's most kids and parents smoked. About half of them drank and did drugs. The first time I got drunk was from some homemade wine I had helped my Mother make. She didn't like the taste of it and told me to throw it away. I took it out back and hid it behind the trash cans. A whole gallon jug! That night I brought it with me to a friends house and 3 of us finished it off. I threw up all night and hated wine ever since. Now vodka on the other hand...(more on that later). That was the start of my drinking career. It lasted until I was 42. Wow, I'm still alive.

So that's enough for now. I'll write more later on my life.

I have been cast in a show. It is called Bear Beach Party. It's a take on Beach Blanket Bingo but done with gay men. That's all the info I have on it now and will update as I find out more. It is going to be so much fun. Oh, it's a musical too.

As far as moving and stuff, I don't know yet. I am teaching Scott how to raise his credit score so we can be better prepared. Budget! Budget! Budget! I am also trying to erase some of my debt.

So back to work, Summer is coming and that always makes me smile.

Love & Peace,

Clayton

Scott

2008-04-12T14:05:00.001-07:00

Scott has to stay in the hospital tonight. He has a bad fever and they are pumping him up with fluids and keeping an eye on him. I will write more when i know more.

It had to happen

2008-04-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

Of course it had to happen. Just when you think things are getting better another bomb is dropped on you. Scott told me yesterday that the loan for the house fell through and we would not be able to move anytime soon. I kinda just shook my head and walked away. I don't know what to do or say at this point. It seems our finances are not as good as they should be. I won't go into details here because some things just should not be aired in public and need to be worked out in house.

So, with that said, I am trying to figure out my next move. How to clean up this place and make it more livable and how to get rid of a lot of stuff. There WILL be a huge yard sale this year. Anyone need some glasses with geese on them?

I have had a few people tell me that they are enjoying my "Life" story and I appreciate that. I guess I really never thought anyone would read about me but it is fun to remember the things I did. So here comes another chapter:

Pre-High School memories are the weakest in my mind. I kissed my first girl when I was around 4. She was a neighbor and it was scary. I danced with a girl for the first time when I was around 13 at a camp site. I was so excited I ran told my mother I had danced beside a girl! I remember Disneyland at some point and Busch Gardens. Most of my little kid memories are just having fun. One that really sticks out in my mind is when I was around 10. My mother would give me her camera and ask me to take pictures of her. She would get dressed in skimpy negligees and pose on her bed while I played camera man. I took some great pictures of her that I guess she only showed her husband. I want to think that anyway. I know it sounds really bizarre but I don't think it hurt me mentally in any way. What upset me most about my mother back then was the way she would flirt with every man she was around. She knew she was an Italian beauty with very large breasts and she could get most anything she wanted. Sometimes I wondered if my real father was my REAL father. That's something I will never know for sure but I am going to believe that he was. As children the siblings pretty much played outside or watched TV most of the day. The teenage years are some of the most shocking. More on them next time.

So, Scott is off to the hospital again. He has to run some bank errands too. I have my usual work to do. Wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean this, clean that and then eBay. Argh!

I so want to grow my business but I need room. I am cleaning out the sheds outside to see if I can make something out of them. They do leak when it rains as does the basement in the house. So unhealthy but hey, we have to deal for now.

Today I will say hi to a stranger with a smile on my face.

Love & Peace

Clayton

I'm Back

2008-04-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back from my mini vacation and it definitely wasn't long enough. One more day would have been perfect. Anyway, I am home and it's back to work. I did miss Scott and the girls and I am glad that they are OK. I tend to worry way too much!

When I was in Williamsburg I stayed at my sister's house. She is a loving, sweet girl and I love her very much, but... she drinks too much. By night time 9-10 PM, she is wasted. Being a recovering alcoholic it is hard to be around her. She repeats herself, slurs, touches too much and feels sorry for herself when she gets to this point. Oh, and very LOUD! The next day she remembers nothing. She sometimes has friends to join her. No wonder her husband sleeps in another room by himself. And, he goes to bed early to get away from her. He has really bad heart problems and needs to take care of himself too. Both of them smoke like chimney's. I quit last October and can't stand to walk into a place that houses smokers. The initial breath of air is staggering. Amazing that I feel this way since I smoked for over 35 years. BTW, I quit while using the Chantix Prescription.

I also went to my childhood home in Newport News to see the old neighborhood. If nothing else, it looks well kept up and maybe a little nicer than I remember. The house I lived in with my parents still had the 4 little scrubs that were planted to represent the four kids in the house. It sure brought back a lot of memories.

I saw my family's grave site, places where I skipped school, my old high school, paths I used to walk, places I would go to drink and hang out. It made me feel somewhat old but not bad. It helped put a perspective on who I am now and who I used to be. I am a much more caring person for sure.

I lived in that area until I graduated high school. My oldest brother passed away the year before I graduated and that was really rough on the family. he was only 21 and was hit by a car when he was chasing his dog across a crowded street. He was one of my best friend as well as a brother. The last thing I had said to him that day was "You got any weed?" I wonder how he would have turned out if he were still alive. Miss you bro!

So now I have a ton of work to do here at home. Scott is at the hospital again and I have already packed things for shipping, went to the post office, grocery store, drug store, dropped off the car, packed a few boxes for storage and dropped them off, took picture for eBay and last but not least, this blog. It is now noon and I have to start selling things on eBay so we can afford to move soon.

Thank you again for those who helped Scott this past week. The apple pie was, and still is, WONDERFUL.

Love and Peace,
Clayton

I Need A Break & more about me

2008-04-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

I need a break from the madness. Between Scott's illness, the house we live in, the house we're hunting for and eBay, I have too much going on. I'm actually thinking of going to Williamsburg for a couple of days. My sister has some stuff she wants sold on eBay and it would bring in some money for me too. I'll think about it.

I was born in Washington D.C. on Oct. 1, 1957. Argh, that makes me 50 years old. Although my Mom and step dad moved from DC when I was around 2 or 3 - I kept coming back. I was pretty much raised in Virginia Beach until around 8 and then in Newport News until I was 17. I moved out of my parents home just before I turned 16. I worked 2 jobs and graduated from high school while renting an apartment with friends. I so could not live by the rules when I was younger and thought I knew everything.

I joined theater in high school - 10th grade and became the top actor in the school. I was "Class Dramatist" as voted on in my graduation year of 1975. I was a very popular kid that everyone wanted to hang out with. In my group anyway. I was part of the drugs and drinking group. Able to buy booze at 15 because I looked older and the drinking age was only 18 at the time. I started doing drugs at 16. Marijuana, LSD, Acid, Cocaine, Quaaludes and whatever else I could get. Loved speed in the morning and Valiums at night. Drank consistently every day. Boy was I a mess and didn't even know it. Hung out with all the long haired freaks and slutty girls. That was the 70's in my life. My mom thought others were a bad influence on me when it was just the opposite. I was the bad influence. I just had some acting under my belt to pretend I wasn't.

As soon as I graduated high school, I left town. I'll pick up from there later.

Today: I have more work to do. Going to look at a house this morning. I have already dropped Scott off at NIH for his chemo treatment. He is going to be there almost all day. After I look at the house, I have to work more on eBay. Got to keep that money coming in to pay the bills.

It sure would be nice to take a week and go on a vacation. That's something I haven't done in a few years.

Right now I am hungry and going to make something to eat in the tiny room called a kitchen.

Peace and Love,

Clayton

Madness Takes It's Toll

2008-03-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that yesterday is over. I had a horrible night before and got very little sleep. When I got up at 6 in the morning I felt like crap. Still, I managed to go out and catch some yard sales. Got a bunch more things to sell on eBay and a brand new grill (mint in box) for 10.00. What a bargain! After yard sales my van started acting up and I had to drop it off at the shop. Scott lent me his car so I could go to my friends funeral. After the funeral I just had to come home and lay down. Most of the day I felt sick and light headed. I think the madness in my life was taking it's toll on me.

The funeral was my first Buddhist ceremony. There were a lot of people chanting and it was beautiful. I did go to the alter and offer incense to the universe. The church was way too hot though and I could not handle it for the entire ceremony. I felt like I would pass out if I stayed much longer so I had to cut it short. I do have to say that I am very impressed with the buddhist way of thinking. I knew a lot about it when I was in my early 20's and now I want to learn about it again.

When I pass away, here are some things I want at my funeral service: - Do not dress up! Wear comfortable clothes that make you feel alive. Men was remove all neckties at the door! No high heels on women unless they are sexy! Laugh or smile and say hello to everyone. No church music. I want "Shiny Happy People" by the B-52's playing and songs like that. I want a big barrel with a slotted lid on the top where everyone can write down any problem they are having and put it in the barrel. Then when everyone has done that - take a match to them without reading them. And last but not least - Eat , drink, dance and tell fun stories! Have the ceremony outside on a sunny day if possible. And...I want my dogs, and everyone's elses for that matter, to be able to attend.

I think I have gone even more mad. LOL I was born in Washington D.C. on October 1, 1957 and that makes me a Libra. We tend to weigh everything before making decicisions. Heck, sometimes we just give up and let other people make the decision for us. I am now 50 years old and could possible live another 50 years, although I highly doubt that. I did way to many bad things when I was younger and karma has a way of kicking one in the butt down the road. I ought to know since I have been getting kicked a lot recently. Good and bad. It is much easier to make decisions now that I am older. I decide to love life today.

Today, I am going to try to make this room I work in a little more comfortable. Ease some of this discomfort and make my life easier and roomier.

As usual: Thank you all for your help, words, food, emails etc. I have some of the best friends a person could ever want!

Peace and Love,
Clayton

Life is Short

2008-03-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

I got an email today saying a friend of mine passed away yesterday afternoon. She was younger than me and full of life. I don't know what happened since no explanation was in the email but I am very upset over it. We always communicated via email and we sent jokes back and forth to each other. She was a caregiver for her mother for many years. She absolutely was a joy in my life. I will always remember her and I will miss her deeply.

Another friend of mine came by today. She came to say good-bye to Scott and I since she and her husband were moving to Nebraska. I am going to miss her too but at least we can still email and talk. She brought us some fruits and veggies. I have to thank her for taking the time to visit before her move on Monday. With all the packing and things she has to take care of she took the time to visit.

So, in a nutshell, Life Is Short. We all need to take the time to enjoy each other and smell the roses. Laugh, cry, play and scream. I know that everyone I meet touches my life in one way or another and I am grateful for that. Some people teach me to be more kind while others teach me to change my attitudes. If I meet someone I don't like, they will still have taught me something. At the least: Not to be like them. LOL

I have been very busy today and need to get back to work. I will post again soon and continue my life story. For now, I wanted to say "I Love you All". Thank you for being a friend!

Have some fun,
Clayton

Pain, Pain, Pain

2008-03-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been filled with pain. Scott is on the shot treatment and it really hurts him a lot. He can barely move without screaming out. I wish there was something I could do to ease his suffering. It's hard enough to maintain my own composure. It gets really easy for me to get into a bad mood. I get so angry at the disease. The only control I have is my attitude and sometimes that stinks too.

I was born in Washington, DC in 1957. My mother was a nun in Italy when she met my father who was overseas during WWII. My grandmother was a single mom who wasn't married and had left Italy and came to America. My mother decided to marry my dad and arrived in New York in 1950. She gave up her habit and never looked back.

My parents gave birth to 2 brothers before having me. They then divorced when I was 8 months old. My mother married my stepfather right after the divorce. They had been seeing each other on the side for awhile previously. My Step father was divorced from his first wife the same year. He had 3 kids already who lived with his ex-wife. My mother and he had a daughter a couple of years later. Hence, my sister.

My real father also remarried and had another son. I have no idea where he is today. My real dad died when I was 18 and I had only met him once.

So I was raised in a very dysfunctional family from the get go. That is part one of my life. More to come later.

Today: More pain. My legs are hurting, my back hurts and watching Scott in more pain hurts. Still, there is work to be done and sitting around complaining only makes it worse. I would prefer to keep my mind occupied with something other than a TV.

I've been packing more stuff up and cleaning as I go. I've been cooking healthy foods and eating welL. Thanks to All of you!

Awesome Recipe: Carrot & Avocado Soup

2 cups carrot juice
1 peeled avocado cut into chunks
1 pinch sea salt
3/4 cup cilantro (fresh - leaves, no stems)
1 teaspoon olive oil
diced ginger (small piece)
2 green onions chopped

Mix in blender and serve cold. - To kill for!

eat well, stay healthy and maintain a cool attitude. LOL

Love to all,

Clayton

Life is Amazing

2008-03-18T08:47:00.001-07:00

I have to say that Life is Amazing. One minute you hate the world and the next you love everything. Emotions are more intense as you get older. When I was younger, I would get mad, glad, happy, pissed etc etc. Now I get Steaming Mad, Gloriously Happy, Tearfully Upset and so on. When life hits you with a reality check for the umpteenth time, it finally starts to sink in.

I have never really been afraid to die and I still am not afraid. The only part that makes me the least bit nervous is the HOW. My step fathers dad just passed in his sleep the other day. He was 100. He was also a very nasty, selfish man that most of his family could not stand. He didn't realize how lucky he was to go so painlessly and that he still had people in his life that cared. That is the ultimate way to die, in your sleep. Just a thought.

Off that subject now! Today I am excited that Scott has set up appointments to go look at some new houses. It feels like we are making a step in getting out of here. Although he is in pain, he still wants to do it. Now that is commitment! Or is it Boredom? Either way, I am proud of him for not sitting around and feeling sorry for himself.

We have been getting some food donations from people and it has been awesome. I won't mention names, but the apple pie was to die for. I am really impressed with these ginger fruit thingys. The soups are great in the afternoon for lunches. The fruits make great smoothies. The veggies are rich in vitamins. And the tulips are beautiful! When Scott is well and we are moved, we are inviting all of you to dinner. Probably not all at once, but a few at a time. I have learned to cook some amazing dishes through all of this.

The emails have kept me in good spirits too. Some of you are just too eloquent and should be published. Your words of encouragement and insight are amazing. The friendships have become much stronger and I no longer feel like I am alone. (Other than Scott)

In upcoming blogs, I am going to start writing about my family life and about who I used to be. What made me, me and the turning points in my life. I'll also continue to keep everyone updated on our day to day. Some of you need to start your own blog too. I read about you in your emails but I would love to read about you in your blogs. If you need help setting one up, call me. I'll send you my phone number in an email if you don't have it. It's really simple to do.

I want to hear about everyone. Your joys, your pains, your accomplishments. So, send me the link to your blog, even if you think I already have it.

Scott is watching "Moulin Rouge" at the moment and is gearing up for the trip outside. You are awesome dude!

The bank said they will see what they can do about the problems we had. They are supposed to call later. Big corporations - Yuk!

Peace,

Clayton

Spring Has Sprung

2008-03-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hooray for the nice weather! I was so elated yesterday that I cleaned the front porch off, raked up a bunch of leaves and emptied some boxes. The patio furniture is now in the front lawn for anyone who wants to take it away. It is vintage stuff and could be cleaned up really nicely. Yesterday morning was trash day and I have already refilled the empty cans.

I have also been packing up this house. Everyday I fill a box or two and to my amazement it doesn't look like anything is actually gone. I think our stuff is giving birth to more stuff. We even got in the mail the other day two sets of fish salt and pepper shakers from a cigarette company. We didn't order them, they just sent them. I think there is a conspiracy going on and now the big companies are in on it and trying to rid themselves of stuff by sending it to us. Everyone knows we have a hard time getting rid of stuff. Not anymore!

It looks like it's going to be another nice day today too. I plan to do more work outside and Scott has to go to treatment again at the hospital. He is handling this second course of chemo a lot better than the first one. He does get sick and has nose bleeds but overall, a little better than before. I try to keep him busy with going through his stuff while he is in bed. He tires so quickly.

It seems the landlord cashed our rent checks too early and it bounced (we even wrote her a note telling her it would bounce if cashed before a certain date). Scott made a special trip to bring her the payment in cash and she took it without telling him that she had already gotten the cash from the bank from the first check. Now about 10 more checks have bounced and the fees are astronomically high. The landlord just said...oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm certain she was trying to take advantage of Scott. She's a slumlord and I can't wait to not have to deal with her anymore. I am bringing Scott to the bank on Tuesday and plead with them about the fees.

I just got a lighting studio for my pictures of the things I sell on eBay. What a difference it makes. Scott gave it to me on Valentines and it arrived 2 days ago. The pictures are coming out 10 times better than before and should help with selling the items. So now I have to list some more CD's and stuff. Business is getting better. My eBay name, if you're interested in looking, is CLAYTON - Remember if you buy something from me, you can pick it up and save on shipping. LOL

One last thing before I go back to work:

We are still very grateful to everyone who has and are bringing us food. Without all of you, life would be miserable. Thank you to all who have given or are giving rides to Scott to and from the hospital. Thank you to all of you who send emails with good wishes and prayers. Thank you to all who visit to brighten up our lives.

My thought for the day: Call someone you haven't talked to in a while just to say hello.

Peace,
Clayton

Yikes

2008-03-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

Yikes, I am having a bad day. Not mentally but physically. Although I do prefer feeling bad physically over mentally. Mental days are harder to deal with for me.

People have been telling me that what I write does not sound like me. No surprise since I rarely, if ever, discuss my feelings. I was pretty much raised that personal feelings are to be kept locked up and in your home only. I tend to keep them in my head safe and throw away the key. It is so much easier to put them down on paper than to verbally vomit them. It's easier to just think that people don't care if you are having a bad day so you just don't say anything. I am a typical man when it comes to feelings and how or when they need to be discussed.

Scott went to get his second round of chemo today while I was at work. He came home with a bigger bag of treatment and I hate having to see him have to carry it around everywhere he goes. You have to keep saying...just a few more months and all of this will be over. It will be so cool to say "He had cancer, but beat it."

I'm going to keep it short today since I am not well. Love to all,

Clayton

2008-03-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

It is time to unload stuff. If I free up some space in the house it might clear my head some. I truly believe that what one owns reflects upon who they are. I have been giving stuff away on freecycle, trashing things, packing things up for our move and selling on eBay. One look at this place and it is as if things have been multiplying. I swear I haven't bought anything in quite sometime and yet every nook and cranny has something in it. To top it off, this place is dirty. If you know anyone who needs stuff let me know, maybe I have it. I will be sure it is clean before it goes out the house.

How do people do it? Trying to keep the house somewhat clean, taking care of Scott, my job on eBay, cooking, the babies and packing for our move. I can't imagine if I had kids on top of that. I sure do respect the working mom a whole lot these days. I always thought women's minds were a lot different than a mans and know I see they have to be. To put up with everything, they have to have a different level of patience and understanding than men. Men tend to take things for granted. Stuff like clean socks and underwear magically appear every so often. There is always enough food & soda in the house. Do men wonder how the dogs fill up their own water bowls everyday? My hat is off to all the women out there who are married with or without kids.

Today looks like it might be a good day for Scott. I don't hearing him screaming in pain. He isn't using his "I'm sick" voice and he seems a little happier. I hope he feels good all day, he needs a break. The treatment plan he is on is brutal and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. (Except maybe one person who I truly can't stand - and he wouldn't be reading this so don't get paranoid and think it is you). It is almost like being tortured on purpose. At least we know what the end result will be and that he will be over in a matter of months.

So today is another day to rejoice life. Another day to spread some love and another day to feel. My praise today is to all women. Without you, there would be no HUMAN race.

What Keeps Us Going

2008-03-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

Well it's another day and we're all still alive. I'm always getting surveys from friends and one of the questions is "What is your favorite day of the week?" I always answer - the ones where I wake up and feel good.

Today is my step-father's Birthday. He just turned 81. His dad is 100 and lives in Florida. Now, I have to stop and ask myself, do I want to live to be that old? With all the pain in our lives when do you say enough is enough? My dad seems happy even though my mom passed last year. His friends are passing away too. He almost never gets sick and is now working out at the gym. I'm really proud of him. As long as he keeps his mind young, he is happy. That is the key. Keeping your mind young and positive. I am still quite young in my head even if my body says otherwise.

I am 50 and ... I have neuropathy in my legs and it can be difficult to deal with the pain on some days. Especially when it rains. My hernia acts up and I tear tissue on occasion. I have a torn rotator cuff (left Shoulder). Dry skin on my feet that cracks and hurts. And there are a few other things that I won't go into at the moment. Now, add Scott into this picture. He has cancer and a few other things going on. Between the two of us, we are a doctor's nightmare.

So what keeps us going? I almost hate to say this but it is "Love". For ourselves, each other, friends and pets. If there was no love there would be no point to living. I am learning that when I give to others, I get a sort of rush. It's almost addictive. Our friends have taught us when you receive help from others you receive love. Now I really understand the movie "Pay It Forward" even more than before. Being on both sides of the fence is an incredible feeling.

The older I get, the more I understand these things. Having things does not make you happy. I don't need every electronic gadget they make these days. I don't need to collect anything. What's going to happen to everything I own when I die? That's easy...some things will be given away, some will be sold and whatever is not wanted by Scott or my family will be tossed in the trash. So the only thing one needs to live other than food and shelter is ... love. I won't throw away my things and I will continue to buy stuff when I need it or want it but I now know what is more important. I can live without a new pair of shoes or that DVD that just came out.

Yes, care giving has benefits but it also can be very tiring. It is all a matter of breaking the time up and not trying to do everything all at once. Planning makes it easier. I set time aside for blogging, emailing, cooking and cleaning. Anytime I go past Scott and into the kitchen, I ask him if he needs anything. One trip is always better then 2.

Knowing how many of you out there care for Scott and I, gives us both strength. Even the littlest of things means something to us. Emails, water, fruit, food, thoughts, prayers, kisses and hugs and the such all have a special place in our hearts. Thank you for helping me understand why I am here.

Clayton

Some Days

2008-03-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Some days you just want to scream at the top of your lungs - STOP. Mondays are not the best days for me since my first errand is having to go to the post office to ship out items sold on eBay. This morning Scott woke up around 6:30AM in a lot of pain. He has been moaning and groaning for hours and there isn't anything I can do to help. He had a bank errand that needed to be done today or else creditor's would hunt us done and suck our blood. Even though he had such pain, I drove him to the bank. It's a horrible feeling not being able to help take away the pain. All I can do is be supportive and wait on him until it subsides again.

Living with something like this can be very stressful. Yesterday I got of the house for 2 hours to be in a student film. It's a short movie for some guy's college class and he is going to give me a free pdf file for being in the film. Sounds like a good deal to me and it got me out of the house. Unfortunately, I missed a seeing a good friend who came by to give us some soup and stuff. While I was out, my mind would jump back and forth from what I was doing - to wondering if Scott was okay. Even though he was having a good day yesterday, that could change at any minute with the meds he is on.

Our friends have been so supportive. We have lots of fresh fruits and vegetables for the week and a wonderful cherry pie! Because of all the support, I can do more work at home trying to get our bills paid, spend more time helping Scott and packing for our late spring move. I just want to squeeze everyone with big hugs for all the food!

I have to admit when things get rough, I want to just crawl into bed and curl up into a ball. It would be so much easier but wouldn't accomplish anything but self pity. The one thing I tell myself over and over again is that somewhere, someone has it a lot worse off than we do.

In the meantime, I can't say thank you enough to all of you for your support. I'm probably sounding like a broken record.

Today, right now, I am going to make today a better day. Slap my mind silly and think positively. To all of you... smile for the sun and brighten your day with pleasant thoughts.

Clayton

It Was Suggested

2008-02-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

I met a new friend on line who suggested I start a blog with my side of the story in dealing with Scott's cancer. I though about it and said "why not". So here is my first entry.

The past 2 weeks have been really rough on both of us but after all the support from friends it has made it a lot easier to deal with. When Scott told me he had cancer, my first thought was, you can't die and leave me to deal with everything by myself. Wow, that was selfish on my part. When my sanity kicked back in the only thought I had was "let's beat this thing". Since then, I have done everything I could think of to make things easier on Scott.

How I deal: I am not a doomsayer and I can't stand being around people who are. I cope with death and dying differently than most people. My mother passed away last September and that was the hardest one to deal with. I have had many people in my life pass away. There has been much illness too. It is my opinion that once you give in to the illness, you let the illness take over. Having had many bouts with death and illness myself, the best thing is to have a positive outlook and enjoy life to the fullest every day. Everyone is entitled to have a bad day and believe me I have my share of them.

Dealing with Scott: As I take on the role of caregiver it can be pretty tiresome at times. I lose my patience, I worry, I forget about me sometimes and want to do everything. I have to learn that Scott can fix a plate of food for himself when he is having a good day. I have to learn patience when he is having a bad day. And most of all, I have to learn to take care of me everyday. Otherwise I won't be any help to him.

I have found: There are some awesome people out there. Friends have offered Scott rides to and from the hospital, food for both of us and many prayers. One person actually offered bone marrow if it came to that. How amazing is that? I have found that finding help from organizations is almost impossible without notes from God, Doctors, Bankers and anyone who might have known either of us as a child. The American Cancer Society in Arlington has bad phone lines and emails (I found the bad information on their website). Hospice only cares if you are dying. (They are still a great organization). I have found that if I am going to donate anything to anyone, it will be personally to someone I know or an organization where I know where the money or items are going to. Locks of Love, Churches, Theaters etc. Forget big time charity's.

I want everyone to know that if anything is needed I will do my best to help. As I hate to ask for help from others, I have got to learn that there is nothing wrong with getting a helping hand. So thank you all for the offers and what we will need in the next few months is fresh fruit and vegetables to help fight the cancer and rides to and from the hospital. When we move in the Spring we will need help with that too. I also offer my services to anyone out there. I can coach on acting, cook, teach you eBay or just moral support.

I refuse to let cancer take Scott and I will fight this with all I've got. We will all fight. You are all the most awesome group of people I have ever had the pleasure knowing. Until next time.

Clayton