Sunday, June 21, 2009


I just want to break out of the usual today and explain a little about me. I've been thinking (which can be dangerous) about what I have written so far and about who I am. Those who have read everything up to this point know more about me than my blood family. I have never been the type of person to tell all. The story so far is the edited version when it comes to sex, politics and religion. I figured I can add more once I am done with round one.

Some who have been reading say "What a life" or "You've been through so much". So many people don't know all the physical pains I have because I don't express them. I hate to be a whiner. To me, I have whined alot in my written words and maybe that is because I needed an outlet. I am not one to look for sympathy and I still have a hard time asking for any kind of help.

I feel that everyone has had an interesting life in one way or another. You may think mine is bizarre, to you, but I'm sure I would feel the same about your life. Whether you lived a clean cut life or were raised by wolves, it is without a doubt, the life you had to cope with. We have all suffered loss and sadness but we cannot forget the happiness we have seen.

I went to see a play last night that had a friend of mine in it. I was in terrible pain but it was worth the 2 hours of sitting there watching because I was happy on the inside knowing that I had good friends that mean so much to me.

This morning I'm not 100% but I will give what I can to make the day a good one. Next week, I will be out of town and will not write on Sunday. Maybe I will get some done during the week. I am so close to reaching the present.

Quickie My Life: I woke up in the hospital after having my appendix removed. I didn't even know they had operated. Ken was there but I felt so alone. I just wanted to go home and have a drink! I stayed in the hospital for 4 days or so and I had no visitors. People tend to avoid alcoholics. I got back home and began drinking even heavier than before...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, June 14, 2009


Today: I am swamped with stuff to sell from my 2 clients and myself. The basement is loaded with sports action figures, music cd's, wreastling memrobilia, doll house furniture and lots of other stuff. I painted the upstairs bathroom last night because Scott tried to do it and then had to leave for his show. I can't stand anything like that unfinished.

I go into full swing rehearsals starting tomorrow. The first audience will be on 7-9-09 at Vpstart Crow in Manassas. I get so stressed by my lines to memorize.

My Life: I had to talk to Ken about the "I love you". I had to figure out where Stryker and I were going to go. Ken pretty much told me that he was very in love with me and that I could move in with him. He lived in an apartment complext that didn't allow dogs. I told him I would NOT live anywhere that wasn't animal friendly. He told me that it would be temporary and that we could get a place together to rent. It was beginning to sound like it might work.

I had another court date with the disabilty hearing and when it came to my turn to testify I totally broke down crying. Bad stress always makes the pain more intense and I just balled my eyes out when the judge asked me about my diagnosis with HIV and neuropothy. He approved my SSDI. That meant medical coverage to get treatment! YES!!!!

That same week, I moved in with Ken. I loaded all my stuff up by myself and moved. No one helped me, not Jim or anyone. We had to find a place soon because the complex was going to find out about Stryker since I had to walk him a few times a day to go potty. Plus there were lots of kids that liked to play outside near us.

Ken and I looked for a place quickly and found one in South Arlington. It was a 2 Bedroom home with 2 flights and a basement. I could set up my eBay in the business and Ken could keep his living quarters clutter free. (Did I mention that Ken was a clean freak). There was a big enough yard for my baby to run outside and pee. It was an ideal home and the rent was cheap. The owner was gay and just wanted the mortgage covered so he didn't charge much more than that.

Ken had a lot of beautiful furniture and collectibles. The house was beautiful once he had it decorated. Now we had to make a little more money to afford the electric, water, gas and all to run a house. Ken was dealing cocaine and I was on SSDI. I supplemented our income with eBay to pay for food. SSDI is not enough for anyone to live on. I also did a lot of Ken's cocaine to ease the pain.

That October I was turning 42. We decide to have a house warming, birthday party and halloween party all in one. I don't remember a lot of the part since I got so wasted I blacked out. I dressed as a zombie who woke up in the morgue. I ended up as a living zombie passed out in bed.

My doctor had given me all kinds of pain killers but none of them seemed to work very well. I know now that many medications do not work if you drink alcohol. And I drank! I started buying vodka by the case again. That way, I wouldn't have to leave the house for a week at a time. I would get up and start eBaying and drinking with a hit of coke here and there. Ken would clean house and pack up anything that needed to be shipped out.

We weren't making enough money and we had to find better products to sell. We would go to the mall and look for closeout sales. One day we stopped in Spencer Gifts and met the manager. She looked just like Helen Hunt. Ken was a charmer when it came to speaking to people. he could get anyone to like him. Spencer Gifts always had sales and Ken got the manager to give him even bigger discounts on their closeout items by purchasing in bulk. She would call us anytime something was marked down and we would have first shot at it. Ken put it all on his credit card.

The money from the cocaine would go back into buying more cocaine. The money from my SSDI and eBay would go into the home and food. What I didn't know was Ken was only paying the minimum on the credit card and the debt was getting bigger every month.

I sat in front of the computer, in pain, up to eight hours a day. I did it for us. We would get calls from eBay saying that we were one of the most valuable sellers they had. We were the Spencer store on line and people bought most everything. This was before eBay became a mega business. We were even invited to their first conference in DC and they paid for our tickets.

We took our first vacation that next year and went to DisneyLand in Florida. We went to Universal Studios and Sea World. Stayed for a week and had a blasT. We vowed we would go on vacation once a year. Our next stop was going to be Vegas.

Back at home, we decided to go play bingo one night. We found a place in Annandale, VA and went. They had these tickets called rip offs, pulloffs that were had many instant winners. Ken hit 500.00 that first time and we were hooked from there on out. He loved to play and I loved it too. We started to meet some of the regulars and it soon became our only social night out.

One night just before bingo, my stomach was hurting really bad. I felt cramped and bloated and was in major pain. Ken kept bugging me to go to bingo. I kept telling him I was in pain. He said he would take me to the hospital. He took me to the mergency room and dropped me off at the door. Told me was going to go play bingo and to call him when I was done.

I waited in the emrgency room for over an hour and no one would see me. When they finally gave me a bed to lie down, my appendix burst...

Love & Peace,

Sunday, June 7, 2009

WeSell Hell

Today: I went to Williamsburg Friday to help my step dad set up for his yard sale in three weeks. I spent the first night with my sister and it was redneck heaven. Drunks, smokers, dope heads and karaoke. Of all of these, I sang. The next day I priced a lot of his stuff and put my mothers dollhouse up on eBay. By 4:00 I was exhausted and drove home. I am still very tired today and Scott and I are going to a birthday party for a close friend. It will be nice to relax but I am behind again on my work. I don't know how people go on vacation anymore?

I also stopped by Jim's daughters house just to say hello. She gave me a bunch of his DVDs to sell on eBay. This is going to be a short chapter.

My Life: Here I am ready to sue WeSell. The lawyers say they want to have a meeting. We have court in a few hours and my lawyer tells me they want to settle out of court. I sit down with my lawyer and he tells me if we go to court we may or may not win. He says that WeSell did not follow government guidelines for paying me for all the hours that I worked. I was not a salary position and they took advantage of me. They used me like slave labor and the proof was in my time cards and with the award they had given me for employee of the quarter. He also told me that it would be hard to prove that H.R. had broken the confidentiality agreement. I had kept very good records but there was a lot of he said, she said. The witnesses weren't reliable since they still worked at WeSell and we could not count on them to tell the truth.

I thought it all over and decided that we should settle out of court. The lawyer would ask for an amount and bring it to WeSell and see if they agreed. As much as I wanted the world to know how horrible I was treated by these people, I needed the money to survive. WeSell agreed to the amount and I had to sign a paper saying I would never disclose the name of their company with this law suit. So I was not allowed to talk about them ever again and I came out of the ordeal with a one year salary. My lawyer took almost half. There was nothing more I could do.

During all of this time I was out of work, I had applied for social security disability. I got turned down even though my doctor said I could not work as much as I used to be able to. I applied again. The pain increases every year and just gets worse.

I kept selling stuff on eBay and I got Ken Danfelt to help me out. Ken would come by the house with his stuff and we would sell it together. We would also go yard sailing together. Jim didn't much like this but he was asleep until after noon everyday. Ken and I were seeing more and more of each other. We were also doing a lot of cocaine. It was such a weakness of mine. The coke would numb me from pain and emotions. I was also still drinking and told Ken I was an alcoholic. He accepted me for who I was. I told myself I wasn't going to fall in love with him.

One day as I was dropping Ken off at his place he got out of the car and before he shut the door he said "I love you". He then rushed off. Now what? I went back home and Jim was telling me that he didn't want to live in a loveless household anymore and that we needed to go our separate ways.

Here I am torn as to what I should do. Ken's in love with me, Jim hates me and I have my little Stryker dog. I'm in pain all the time and am killing that with drugs and booze. If I move in with Ken, I cannot bring Stryker - NOT. I can't afford to move into my own place or keep this place if Jim moves out. I have another court date for disability coming up soon and I don't feel good about that. At this point in my life I totally feel like a useless human being and things were going to get worse.

Love & Peace,