Sunday, March 30, 2008

Madness Takes It's Toll

I am so glad that yesterday is over. I had a horrible night before and got very little sleep. When I got up at 6 in the morning I felt like crap. Still, I managed to go out and catch some yard sales. Got a bunch more things to sell on eBay and a brand new grill (mint in box) for 10.00. What a bargain! After yard sales my van started acting up and I had to drop it off at the shop. Scott lent me his car so I could go to my friends funeral. After the funeral I just had to come home and lay down. Most of the day I felt sick and light headed. I think the madness in my life was taking it's toll on me.

The funeral was my first Buddhist ceremony. There were a lot of people chanting and it was beautiful. I did go to the alter and offer incense to the universe. The church was way too hot though and I could not handle it for the entire ceremony. I felt like I would pass out if I stayed much longer so I had to cut it short. I do have to say that I am very impressed with the buddhist way of thinking. I knew a lot about it when I was in my early 20's and now I want to learn about it again.

When I pass away, here are some things I want at my funeral service: - Do not dress up! Wear comfortable clothes that make you feel alive. Men was remove all neckties at the door! No high heels on women unless they are sexy! Laugh or smile and say hello to everyone. No church music. I want "Shiny Happy People" by the B-52's playing and songs like that. I want a big barrel with a slotted lid on the top where everyone can write down any problem they are having and put it in the barrel. Then when everyone has done that - take a match to them without reading them. And last but not least - Eat , drink, dance and tell fun stories! Have the ceremony outside on a sunny day if possible. And...I want my dogs, and everyone's elses for that matter, to be able to attend.

I think I have gone even more mad. LOL I was born in Washington D.C. on October 1, 1957 and that makes me a Libra. We tend to weigh everything before making decicisions. Heck, sometimes we just give up and let other people make the decision for us. I am now 50 years old and could possible live another 50 years, although I highly doubt that. I did way to many bad things when I was younger and karma has a way of kicking one in the butt down the road. I ought to know since I have been getting kicked a lot recently. Good and bad. It is much easier to make decisions now that I am older. I decide to love life today.

Today, I am going to try to make this room I work in a little more comfortable. Ease some of this discomfort and make my life easier and roomier.

As usual: Thank you all for your help, words, food, emails etc. I have some of the best friends a person could ever want!

Peace and Love,

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Life is Short

I got an email today saying a friend of mine passed away yesterday afternoon. She was younger than me and full of life. I don't know what happened since no explanation was in the email but I am very upset over it. We always communicated via email and we sent jokes back and forth to each other. She was a caregiver for her mother for many years. She absolutely was a joy in my life. I will always remember her and I will miss her deeply.

Another friend of mine came by today. She came to say good-bye to Scott and I since she and her husband were moving to Nebraska. I am going to miss her too but at least we can still email and talk. She brought us some fruits and veggies. I have to thank her for taking the time to visit before her move on Monday. With all the packing and things she has to take care of she took the time to visit.

So, in a nutshell, Life Is Short. We all need to take the time to enjoy each other and smell the roses. Laugh, cry, play and scream. I know that everyone I meet touches my life in one way or another and I am grateful for that. Some people teach me to be more kind while others teach me to change my attitudes. If I meet someone I don't like, they will still have taught me something. At the least: Not to be like them. LOL

I have been very busy today and need to get back to work. I will post again soon and continue my life story. For now, I wanted to say "I Love you All". Thank you for being a friend!

Have some fun,

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Pain, Pain, Pain

The past couple of days have been filled with pain. Scott is on the shot treatment and it really hurts him a lot. He can barely move without screaming out. I wish there was something I could do to ease his suffering. It's hard enough to maintain my own composure. It gets really easy for me to get into a bad mood. I get so angry at the disease. The only control I have is my attitude and sometimes that stinks too.

I was born in Washington, DC in 1957. My mother was a nun in Italy when she met my father who was overseas during WWII. My grandmother was a single mom who wasn't married and had left Italy and came to America. My mother decided to marry my dad and arrived in New York in 1950. She gave up her habit and never looked back.

My parents gave birth to 2 brothers before having me. They then divorced when I was 8 months old. My mother married my stepfather right after the divorce. They had been seeing each other on the side for awhile previously. My Step father was divorced from his first wife the same year. He had 3 kids already who lived with his ex-wife. My mother and he had a daughter a couple of years later. Hence, my sister.

My real father also remarried and had another son. I have no idea where he is today. My real dad died when I was 18 and I had only met him once.

So I was raised in a very dysfunctional family from the get go. That is part one of my life. More to come later.

Today: More pain. My legs are hurting, my back hurts and watching Scott in more pain hurts. Still, there is work to be done and sitting around complaining only makes it worse. I would prefer to keep my mind occupied with something other than a TV.

I've been packing more stuff up and cleaning as I go. I've been cooking healthy foods and eating welL. Thanks to All of you!

Awesome Recipe: Carrot & Avocado Soup

2 cups carrot juice
1 peeled avocado cut into chunks
1 pinch sea salt
3/4 cup cilantro (fresh - leaves, no stems)
1 teaspoon olive oil
diced ginger (small piece)
2 green onions chopped

Mix in blender and serve cold. - To kill for!

eat well, stay healthy and maintain a cool attitude. LOL

Love to all,


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Life is Amazing

I have to say that Life is Amazing. One minute you hate the world and the next you love everything. Emotions are more intense as you get older. When I was younger, I would get mad, glad, happy, pissed etc etc. Now I get Steaming Mad, Gloriously Happy, Tearfully Upset and so on. When life hits you with a reality check for the umpteenth time, it finally starts to sink in.

I have never really been afraid to die and I still am not afraid. The only part that makes me the least bit nervous is the HOW. My step fathers dad just passed in his sleep the other day. He was 100. He was also a very nasty, selfish man that most of his family could not stand. He didn't realize how lucky he was to go so painlessly and that he still had people in his life that cared. That is the ultimate way to die, in your sleep. Just a thought.

Off that subject now! Today I am excited that Scott has set up appointments to go look at some new houses. It feels like we are making a step in getting out of here. Although he is in pain, he still wants to do it. Now that is commitment! Or is it Boredom? Either way, I am proud of him for not sitting around and feeling sorry for himself.

We have been getting some food donations from people and it has been awesome. I won't mention names, but the apple pie was to die for. I am really impressed with these ginger fruit thingys. The soups are great in the afternoon for lunches. The fruits make great smoothies. The veggies are rich in vitamins. And the tulips are beautiful! When Scott is well and we are moved, we are inviting all of you to dinner. Probably not all at once, but a few at a time. I have learned to cook some amazing dishes through all of this.

The emails have kept me in good spirits too. Some of you are just too eloquent and should be published. Your words of encouragement and insight are amazing. The friendships have become much stronger and I no longer feel like I am alone. (Other than Scott)

In upcoming blogs, I am going to start writing about my family life and about who I used to be. What made me, me and the turning points in my life. I'll also continue to keep everyone updated on our day to day. Some of you need to start your own blog too. I read about you in your emails but I would love to read about you in your blogs. If you need help setting one up, call me. I'll send you my phone number in an email if you don't have it. It's really simple to do.

I want to hear about everyone. Your joys, your pains, your accomplishments. So, send me the link to your blog, even if you think I already have it.

Scott is watching "Moulin Rouge" at the moment and is gearing up for the trip outside. You are awesome dude!

The bank said they will see what they can do about the problems we had. They are supposed to call later. Big corporations - Yuk!



Saturday, March 15, 2008

Spring Has Sprung

Hooray for the nice weather! I was so elated yesterday that I cleaned the front porch off, raked up a bunch of leaves and emptied some boxes. The patio furniture is now in the front lawn for anyone who wants to take it away. It is vintage stuff and could be cleaned up really nicely. Yesterday morning was trash day and I have already refilled the empty cans.

I have also been packing up this house. Everyday I fill a box or two and to my amazement it doesn't look like anything is actually gone. I think our stuff is giving birth to more stuff. We even got in the mail the other day two sets of fish salt and pepper shakers from a cigarette company. We didn't order them, they just sent them. I think there is a conspiracy going on and now the big companies are in on it and trying to rid themselves of stuff by sending it to us. Everyone knows we have a hard time getting rid of stuff. Not anymore!

It looks like it's going to be another nice day today too. I plan to do more work outside and Scott has to go to treatment again at the hospital. He is handling this second course of chemo a lot better than the first one. He does get sick and has nose bleeds but overall, a little better than before. I try to keep him busy with going through his stuff while he is in bed. He tires so quickly.

It seems the landlord cashed our rent checks too early and it bounced (we even wrote her a note telling her it would bounce if cashed before a certain date). Scott made a special trip to bring her the payment in cash and she took it without telling him that she had already gotten the cash from the bank from the first check. Now about 10 more checks have bounced and the fees are astronomically high. The landlord just said...oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm certain she was trying to take advantage of Scott. She's a slumlord and I can't wait to not have to deal with her anymore. I am bringing Scott to the bank on Tuesday and plead with them about the fees.

I just got a lighting studio for my pictures of the things I sell on eBay. What a difference it makes. Scott gave it to me on Valentines and it arrived 2 days ago. The pictures are coming out 10 times better than before and should help with selling the items. So now I have to list some more CD's and stuff. Business is getting better. My eBay name, if you're interested in looking, is CLAYTON - Remember if you buy something from me, you can pick it up and save on shipping. LOL

One last thing before I go back to work:

We are still very grateful to everyone who has and are bringing us food. Without all of you, life would be miserable. Thank you to all who have given or are giving rides to Scott to and from the hospital. Thank you to all of you who send emails with good wishes and prayers. Thank you to all who visit to brighten up our lives.

My thought for the day: Call someone you haven't talked to in a while just to say hello.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Yikes, I am having a bad day. Not mentally but physically. Although I do prefer feeling bad physically over mentally. Mental days are harder to deal with for me.

People have been telling me that what I write does not sound like me. No surprise since I rarely, if ever, discuss my feelings. I was pretty much raised that personal feelings are to be kept locked up and in your home only. I tend to keep them in my head safe and throw away the key. It is so much easier to put them down on paper than to verbally vomit them. It's easier to just think that people don't care if you are having a bad day so you just don't say anything. I am a typical man when it comes to feelings and how or when they need to be discussed.

Scott went to get his second round of chemo today while I was at work. He came home with a bigger bag of treatment and I hate having to see him have to carry it around everywhere he goes. You have to keep saying...just a few more months and all of this will be over. It will be so cool to say "He had cancer, but beat it."

I'm going to keep it short today since I am not well. Love to all,


Sunday, March 9, 2008

It is time to unload stuff. If I free up some space in the house it might clear my head some. I truly believe that what one owns reflects upon who they are. I have been giving stuff away on freecycle, trashing things, packing things up for our move and selling on eBay. One look at this place and it is as if things have been multiplying. I swear I haven't bought anything in quite sometime and yet every nook and cranny has something in it. To top it off, this place is dirty. If you know anyone who needs stuff let me know, maybe I have it. I will be sure it is clean before it goes out the house.

How do people do it? Trying to keep the house somewhat clean, taking care of Scott, my job on eBay, cooking, the babies and packing for our move. I can't imagine if I had kids on top of that. I sure do respect the working mom a whole lot these days. I always thought women's minds were a lot different than a mans and know I see they have to be. To put up with everything, they have to have a different level of patience and understanding than men. Men tend to take things for granted. Stuff like clean socks and underwear magically appear every so often. There is always enough food & soda in the house. Do men wonder how the dogs fill up their own water bowls everyday? My hat is off to all the women out there who are married with or without kids.

Today looks like it might be a good day for Scott. I don't hearing him screaming in pain. He isn't using his "I'm sick" voice and he seems a little happier. I hope he feels good all day, he needs a break. The treatment plan he is on is brutal and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. (Except maybe one person who I truly can't stand - and he wouldn't be reading this so don't get paranoid and think it is you). It is almost like being tortured on purpose. At least we know what the end result will be and that he will be over in a matter of months.

So today is another day to rejoice life. Another day to spread some love and another day to feel. My praise today is to all women. Without you, there would be no HUMAN race.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

What Keeps Us Going

Well it's another day and we're all still alive. I'm always getting surveys from friends and one of the questions is "What is your favorite day of the week?" I always answer - the ones where I wake up and feel good.

Today is my step-father's Birthday. He just turned 81. His dad is 100 and lives in Florida. Now, I have to stop and ask myself, do I want to live to be that old? With all the pain in our lives when do you say enough is enough? My dad seems happy even though my mom passed last year. His friends are passing away too. He almost never gets sick and is now working out at the gym. I'm really proud of him. As long as he keeps his mind young, he is happy. That is the key. Keeping your mind young and positive. I am still quite young in my head even if my body says otherwise.

I am 50 and ... I have neuropathy in my legs and it can be difficult to deal with the pain on some days. Especially when it rains. My hernia acts up and I tear tissue on occasion. I have a torn rotator cuff (left Shoulder). Dry skin on my feet that cracks and hurts. And there are a few other things that I won't go into at the moment. Now, add Scott into this picture. He has cancer and a few other things going on. Between the two of us, we are a doctor's nightmare.

So what keeps us going? I almost hate to say this but it is "Love". For ourselves, each other, friends and pets. If there was no love there would be no point to living. I am learning that when I give to others, I get a sort of rush. It's almost addictive. Our friends have taught us when you receive help from others you receive love. Now I really understand the movie "Pay It Forward" even more than before. Being on both sides of the fence is an incredible feeling.

The older I get, the more I understand these things. Having things does not make you happy. I don't need every electronic gadget they make these days. I don't need to collect anything. What's going to happen to everything I own when I die? That's easy...some things will be given away, some will be sold and whatever is not wanted by Scott or my family will be tossed in the trash. So the only thing one needs to live other than food and shelter is ... love. I won't throw away my things and I will continue to buy stuff when I need it or want it but I now know what is more important. I can live without a new pair of shoes or that DVD that just came out.

Yes, care giving has benefits but it also can be very tiring. It is all a matter of breaking the time up and not trying to do everything all at once. Planning makes it easier. I set time aside for blogging, emailing, cooking and cleaning. Anytime I go past Scott and into the kitchen, I ask him if he needs anything. One trip is always better then 2.

Knowing how many of you out there care for Scott and I, gives us both strength. Even the littlest of things means something to us. Emails, water, fruit, food, thoughts, prayers, kisses and hugs and the such all have a special place in our hearts. Thank you for helping me understand why I am here.


Monday, March 3, 2008

Some Days

Some days you just want to scream at the top of your lungs - STOP. Mondays are not the best days for me since my first errand is having to go to the post office to ship out items sold on eBay. This morning Scott woke up around 6:30AM in a lot of pain. He has been moaning and groaning for hours and there isn't anything I can do to help. He had a bank errand that needed to be done today or else creditor's would hunt us done and suck our blood. Even though he had such pain, I drove him to the bank. It's a horrible feeling not being able to help take away the pain. All I can do is be supportive and wait on him until it subsides again.

Living with something like this can be very stressful. Yesterday I got of the house for 2 hours to be in a student film. It's a short movie for some guy's college class and he is going to give me a free pdf file for being in the film. Sounds like a good deal to me and it got me out of the house. Unfortunately, I missed a seeing a good friend who came by to give us some soup and stuff. While I was out, my mind would jump back and forth from what I was doing - to wondering if Scott was okay. Even though he was having a good day yesterday, that could change at any minute with the meds he is on.

Our friends have been so supportive. We have lots of fresh fruits and vegetables for the week and a wonderful cherry pie! Because of all the support, I can do more work at home trying to get our bills paid, spend more time helping Scott and packing for our late spring move. I just want to squeeze everyone with big hugs for all the food!

I have to admit when things get rough, I want to just crawl into bed and curl up into a ball. It would be so much easier but wouldn't accomplish anything but self pity. The one thing I tell myself over and over again is that somewhere, someone has it a lot worse off than we do.

In the meantime, I can't say thank you enough to all of you for your support. I'm probably sounding like a broken record.

Today, right now, I am going to make today a better day. Slap my mind silly and think positively. To all of you... smile for the sun and brighten your day with pleasant thoughts.