Sunday, September 13, 2009

Full Circle

Today & My Life:

I woke up feeling nasty. Like a hangover without any booze the night before. Puffy eyes and nausea. I can do this!

When Scott came home from the doctor's and told me that they had found cancer in his chest, I was stunned. I listened to him and took it all in and asked questions like what's the first thing we have to do to get rid of it. I would go with him to his next doctor's appoiintment to discuss treatment.

The rest is history. We have come Full Circle. It has been about a year and a half ago that I started this story. Scott and I are as healthy as we can be, considering out history. We still love each other and I know I will always love him. Between the ups and downs, the laughter and the tears, we have fought a big battle and won. Cancer, HIV, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, deaths and surgeries. Family, friends, and pets. Live each day the best you can for you may not see tomorrow.

Someone, somewhere was just diagnosed with a deadly disease. They are about to embark on their own journey. If it turns out that you know them, ask yourself - What if it were me?

Today we are going to lunch with a friend who found out she has breast cancer. She is going to have her breasts removed this week. Yesterday she was going through the anger stage and we hope to help her through it and give her the encouragement she needs to fight. Today it is all about her.

Who will it be about tomorrow?

Love & Peace

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Self Confidence


Going to John & Elizabeth's for a little cookout! Two of my favorite people. I'm starting to get hungry already. Happy Labor day.

My life:

I made the callbacks!!!! I was so excited. When I got there to do my second reading there were only 3 of us going for the same role. One guy was really bad and I knew he had gotten a courtesy call back. Must have been a friend of the director. The second guy looked the part and only did a fair reading. I did a great reading but I had not shaved my mustache and I didn't look the part.

I was told by Scott that you should not dress up as the role when auditioning because the director may have a different outlook on the character. Maybe I should have shaved because the role was given to the other guy. I was devastated. I told Scott I would do the costumes for "Steel Magnolias" which was what he was directing.

While looking for another role to audition for my side started to act up again. I was having more pains where they had operated and it was bulging. Another doctor's visit and I was told my mesh holding the hernia had torn and needed to be replaced or something. I can't remember exactly what it was but I was pissed. I needed another operation and on the same thing! The doctor told me it would be an overnight procedure and it would heal quickly. I wondered why they couldn't get it right the first time. I set the operation up for a couple of weeks in advance.

I was having a fun time with the cast of Steel Magnolias and we were shopping at the thrift shop for costumes when I got a call on my cell phone. It was the director of Biloxi Blues. It seems the guy that he cast as Toomey was a real diva and was not getting along with him or the cast. They called me in to see if I could have a private audition/interview. I agreed to meet him and he offered me the role even after I told him about the operation I was to have a few nights before opening night. I only had 3 weeks to learn all the extensive monologues and actions.

I spent every available minute going over my lines. Scott would come home from work and I would be outside doing lines. I did lines while in the shower. I did lines everywhere. I would rehearse them without emotion just so I could get them down. It was a big role to take on with so little time.

During the last week of rehearsals I actually cried and thought I would never be able to pull it off. The director gave me encouragement and told me I was doing a great job. I was scared.

I had the operation without any complications and went home the next day. My whole stomach was wrapped up and I would bleed if I strained the area. Opening night was only a couple days away and I could barely move. Now I was even more frightened but I held on and persisted.

The last dress rehearsal was horrible. I had stopped in the middle of monologues and forgotten where I was. I really sucked. I had the lines down but I was overwhelmed with fear of screwing up that I did screw up. I had to do this and prove I was worthy of this role!

The night we opened I was bleeding a little and had to re wrap myself over and over again. I stormed the stage with all the confidence I could muster and by the end of the night people were screaming and ranting about how awesome I was. I barely remembered being on stage. I had done it. The biggest challenge of my life. I pulled it off and the run for Biloxi was to be very successful.

The reviews were all excellent. I was nominated for a WATCH (Washington Area Theater Community Honor) award for best supporting actor. There were almost 200 men that year who had done a supporting role and I was chosen as one of the top five or six. The year prior I hadn't even know what a WATCH award was.

When the ceremony was held and they started reading the nominations all I could think in my mind was...please don't say my name, I can't go on stage and talk. When they announced me as the winner, I thought I would faint! I was still a nobody in the theater community and they had recognized me as a talent. I was thrilled.

Scott encouraged me the whole time and supported everything I had to go through. He was my rock during all of this and I was so thankful to have him in my life. He had given me more confidence since I could remember. With that I began to audition for more plays and land more roles. Thus I have met some of the best people I could ever wish to meet. Scott and I would work on plays and enjoy life until he got the call...

Love & Peace


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Meeting Scott

Before I continue I have to say that I am overwhelmed with bills and issues. It seems that Scott's Tooth cost $800.00 after insurance, My car insurance went up for no apparent reason, Sears is deciding to up it's interest rates, My virus protection plan had to be renewed for the computer and two dogs are due to go to the vet.

eBay has been really bad. My business has dropped off immensely and the stress has gotten to me a bit. I keep saying to myself that it will all pass and maybe next year I can go on a vacation. That said...

My Life: Scott led the meeting that night and I remember him calling on me to talk. I didn't want to but I did. He smiled when I shared and I thought he was adorable. I knew I would meet him after the meeting.

Meeting adjourned and I met Mr. Olson. We talked a little about this and that and he invited me to go see a play with him. Ah, theater was something I had missed for the past 20 or so years. I told him I would see a show with him and we exchanged numbers.

We talked on the phone a couple of times and we learned even more about each other. When Thanksgiving came around, Scott was sick so I took an entire dinner to his home and fed him. Then I did the dishes and bid him adu.

We went on dates and introduced our dogs to each other. Went to the movies ("Calendar Girls" was our first together), watched TV, did puzzles and just enjoyed each others company. Once we even had Meningitis together. The doctor said it was from some food contamination - Taco Bell!

He invited me to audition for a play he was directing called "Killing Dante". I tried out for the flaming queen role - something I had never done before on stage. Scott was reluctant to cast me because we were so close. he didn't want it to interfere with our relationship. Even though I knew it wouldn't, I told him it was ok to cast someone else. In the end he cast me - because he said I was the best at the audition. From there my theater career kicked off again.

It was inevitable that we move in together. We packed our separate houses and moved in to another one. It was to be the house from hell but we didn't know that since we were in love.

After Killing Dante I wanted to do more. I auditioned for shows and I really sucked. Then came the audition for "Biloxi Blues" at The Little Theater of Alexandria. It is one of the best theaters to work for and I knew I was perfect for the role of Sgt Toomey. I made the callbacks...

Peace and Love,


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Ken Goes to Vegas

Yesterday Scott and I went to the Prince William County Fair along with out neighbors Cathy, Brian and their little girl Emily. Emily is 4, and we rode all the rides together. We all spent too much money, ate too much food that's wasn't good for us, walked way too much and had a great time. My legs are feeling the burn this morning.

There is just so much I can do without being in unbearable pain but I refuse to lay down and die over it all. I've lost a lot of friends over the years and I plan on having much more fun before it's my time to go.

My Life: September 11 was a tragic day in America and it should never be forgotten. I know that all around the world people were touched in many different ways. That day gave me a freedom that I had not known for a long time.

Our lives were changing and Ken didn't know what he was going to do for a job. He asked me what I thought about moving to Las Vegas. Although I wanted to move there too, I told him that he should do it. I gave him encouragement to start a new life and not to have regrets for anything he didn't at least try. I explained that he could do it on his own and that I could find a nice little studio apartment and start over myself. He agreed and took a flight out to Vegas to look into where he would live.

I was so excited to be living by myself. My sister told me that her Yorkshire Terrier had puppies and as soon as they were old enough I could have one. It was going to be me and the new baby. Me and AA. Me and my sponsor Bob. Me and my therapist. Me, me, me, me, me!

Ken came back from Vegas and told me he had found a place to live. He said he would be moving on Oct 1st (my birthday). What a wonderful present for me. The first thing we had to do was sell everything. We had hired a couple of old ladies called Four Sales to run the estate sale. I would have preferred to do it myself but Ken insisted. Since it was his stuff, I gave in. The ladies overpriced everything and when the sale was over Ken had to rent a storage unit to put all that was left in it. I felt the sale was a flop. Hell, he even charged me to buy some things from him that I needed for my new place. Things likes pots and pans and a bed! He could be such a dick sometimes! What ever was left, I would sell for him and we would split the profits.

Before Ken moved I had found a studio apartment, moved my stuff in and went to Williamsburg to pick up my new little girl. My sister had 4 available puppies and they were all the size of small hamsters. One of them came wobbling up to me and she was beautiful! I gave her the name Princess Xena Sierra and would call her Xena. In the car on the way home, she cried. She was missing her mommy and it felt so sad. I knew she would be happy once we got to our new home.

My birthday came and Ken moved. I was a happy bachelor with the cutest dam dog you had ever seen. I took her everywhere I could. She went to AA meetings with me, the post office, long walks, and visits to friends.

On my own I volunteered my services as a bingo caller at the Girls and Boys Club on the weekends. I started dating again too. I was learning what happiness was all over again. I was slowly completing the 12 steps in AA and going to the meetings on a regular schedule. I was becoming what I hated when I first gave up drinking - HAPPY.

Time passed without arguments, insecurities, hate and irritability's. I healed more and more the next couple of years than I thought was imaginable. Then at an AA meeting I met Scott...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, August 9, 2009

My Nephew

I found out yesterday that my brother's youngest son is going to be on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I'll keep everyone posted. YAY!!!!!!

The Year of Living Madly

What a horrible night last night. My legs hurt so bad that it actually brought tears to my eyes. I don't think I have ever had that intensity of pain from neuropathy before. I had to take painkillers and lay in bed all night. Still a little pain this morning but at least I can bare it.

My brother-in-law Paul was in town this weekend and built a wall in the unfinished bathroom in the basement. He also installed a toilet. Now I don't have to go upstairs if I need to urinate.

Scott had a tooth break apart and just fall out of his mouth on Friday. He gets to see a dentist on Monday so he is in pain until then. When both of us are in pain at the same time it's not a fun household to be in.

My life: That first year of getting sober I was filled with anger. I called Bob Ball everyday and started to work for him once a week for a couple of hours cleaning his house. He and his partner never cleaned and the place was a mess. Random fact: Bob was the only son of Football coach Herman Ball. His dad worked with the Redskins for a while and a couple of other teams. Bob fast became my best friend.

I still went to therapy once a week and it was getting easier. I would talk about everything and get it off my chest. My anger was so bad at times my face would turn bright red. Everyday I would think about suicide.

My first day of sobriety was August 13, 2000. Each month at the AA meetings I would get a chip to celebrate another 30 days of clean living. There were people in the meetings that had years and years without a drink. I never thought I could be one of those individuals. I really disliked them too because I thought that no one could be that happy all the time.

About 6 months sober and I had to have another operation. It seems that after they removed my appendix I had a hernia. I spent another week in the hospital having that repaired. My scar was getting bigger.

Around eights months sober the one thing I knew was coming, happened. They say that it is the hardest thing to go through without slipping and taking a drink. Death. I took Stryker to the vet and was told he had cancer and he was in a lot of pain. I stayed with him as they gave him the shot. He died in my arms as I cried. I am crying now as I write this. It is still a very painful thing. He loved me unconditionally and never wavered. Ken tried to be supportive. It was a lonely house without Stryker but I did not drink or drug over the loss.

My one year anniversary was coming up soon. It was my nephew's birthday and he was going to have a big party. I was going to have breakfast with Bob at the Cowboy Cafe in Arlington. Just another ordinary day.

I was in the office when I heard Ken yell from downstairs to turn the TV on. I stood in shock at what I saw. One of the Twin Towers were on fire. Then a plane flew into the second tower. What the hell was going on? I heard a loud noise and went to look outside. There was a plane flying so low that I thought it was going to crash into our home. It passed us over and exploded. Smoke was everywhere. We lived only a few blocks away from the Pentagon and heard on the news that what I had just witnessed was that attack. It was the end of the world, I thought.

Within minutes, people were scrambling everywhere. They were climbing over fences and cutting through yards to get home and away from all the chaos. I kept calling Bob and there was no answer. I tried his cell, no answer. I had to make sure he was alright so I got in the car and drove to the cafe. Bob wasn't there. The place was packed with people who didn't know how they were going to get home. More chaos. Outside people were everywhere crying and looking like they were going to die. I realized Bob would not be coming and I would talk to him later. I had to do something now. I was overwhelmed by what I saw. I offered my driving services to anyone who needed them. One lady told me should was going to stay put until she could reach her husband. The next guy I asked was very grateful and said he needed a ride to Annandale.

Here I was in my car with a complete stranger giving him a ride home. He was employed at the Pentagon and told me that everyone was evacuated from the building and that they could not get to their cars. It took an hour to get him home in all the traffic that day.

That day, I began to feel something other than anger. I had done what I could do. It wasn't a heroic act or anything extraoridinary but it made me feel good about myself. I was finally on the right path. The road to recovery.

Love & Peace,


Sunday, August 2, 2009

Goodbye Bette

I met Bette when Scott was going through his cancer treatments. Her and her daughter Michelle worked at the storage unit where I rented a small compartment. I also went to the auctions there monthly to get things to sell on eBay. Bette and Chele came over to the house in Arlington and helped me clean when Scott was sick and we had company coming to visit.

Last weekend she and her daughter along with the grand kids went to a water park for a family outing. All of them climbed the giant water slide in anticipation of a wild ride. Bette told Michele she wasn't feeling to great and so Michele went first. At the bottom, she saw her girls ride the water with glee. her mother was no where in site.

A group of paramedics were running up the stairs and Michele was scared. It seems her mother, Bette, had some kind of attack and died before she could ride the slide. Bette was only a couple of years older than me. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. We would talk on the computer sometimes daily and we loved Farm Town on Facebook. I sure am going to miss her.

I am going to make some food for the family and bring it to them this week sometime. I know what it's like to lose a mother. I only hope when I go, I go as quickly as she did. Goodbye Bette, you will always be in my heart,

My Life: Back to AA. My body was saying drink, my mind was saying go to the meetings or die. Without alcohol I shook so badly I couldn't write my name. I blushed bright red when I was scared or embarrassed. I had panic attacks for no reason. I thought of suicide at least once every five minutes. I didn't think I would ever like people again. Ken was at least supportive.

The next meeting I went to I sat with Irving and when they asked if anyone had anything to say,Irving grabbed my arm and raised it for me. I announced that I needed a sponsor and that was all I could get out of my mouth. During the meeting break, what looked to me like a giant of a man came walking towards me. I was sitting down and he looked 7 feet tall with a white beard and a big belly. No, he did not look like Santa, he looked like a mean biker in my eyes. He introduced himself to me as Bob Ball and told me he wanted to take me on as my sponsor. I sort of cried a little and said OK. He gave me his phone number and told me I had to call him everyday regardless if I had anything to say. This was going to be very hard for me.

I also started counseling at WWC. It was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do. I sat In the room with Bob Kenney and he would ask me how my day went. The typical response from me would be: I hate people, they piss me off. No one cares about anyone else these days and they are all rude and self centered. I hate my life. I'm angry all day long and I want to die.

He would then ask me things like what would I do to change these things that were happening around me. What if I put myself in other peoples shoes and what about the people who do love you? To me it was all crap.

The people around me didn't know what I was going through. I didn't let anyone in on who I was except the 2 Bobs. They were my outlets. They were the strangers I confided in. They didn't judge me. They were understanding and supportive. When in public I avoided eye contact as much as possible with everyone else. I stewed in my head about how I wanted to kill certain people and myself. This was going to be a long road ahead of me.

The AA meetings would talk about GOD and prayer and a higher power. What a bunch of shit to me. I had no God. One guy told me his higher power was the barbie doll. Another said the ocean was his. They told me to just figure out something I could respect and make it my higher power. It didn't have to be the God I grew up with and never believed in. It didn't have to be Mohammad or Buddha or any other religious figure. It could be anything. It would take me a while to choose a higher power.

AA has 12 steps and I had done the first one quite easily. I admitted I had a problem and that I was an alcoholic. The second one is to believe in a higher power. ARGH! This isn't going to work for me. I hate AA and all the people except Bob and a couple of others. I want ice cream!

In the meantime at the home front I could see that Stryker dog wasn't up to his old self. He was moving slower and would sit outside on the balcony by himself and look at the sky. He was so beautiful when he did that. He was my best friend and I was afraid I was going to lose him. Ken was being his old self again and getting angry with everything. Maybe I rubbed off on him. I was feeling a pain in my side where my appendix was removed and knew something was wrong there too. Bingo was still on the weekends along with yard saleing. Life continued on...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, July 26, 2009

I'm Not Crazy

This picture is of me in Tartuffe. One more show today and then strike afterwards. Bye bye dress, pantyhose, high heels and drag queen make up...hello not shaving for days at a time, torn jeans, crocs and scratching my ass!

This past week I have also gotten addicted to an application on Facebook call Farm Town. Like I need something else to take time out of my day. eBay is enough and trying to keep up with cleaning the house and cooking. The best part is, I am alive and enjoying most of it.

My Life: So here I am in this loony bin and craving a cigarette and a drink. There are very few people here and I am allowed to walk around. It seems that it is a holding place where people are kept until someone decides where they are going to end up. My guess is either jail or the state mental ward. I want out! I didn't feel that anyone had the right to keep me locked up for trying to kill myself. It's my life and I should be able to do what I want with it as long as I don't physically hurt anyone else. (I still feel this way today).

I spent the first day walking around and wondering what next. The person behind the window couldn't answer any of my questions. I was fed and ignored. The next day I was sent in to see the shrink. Finally! She was a complete idiot and very easy to manipulate. She explained the procedure that I had to stay in this place for 3 days. I was furious and told her that if I didn't get out sooner that I would hang myself in my room. I was released that afternoon. I guess I was more than they wanted to deal with and I didn't have any insurance or money so why not let me go.

I had to call someone to come get me so I called Jim. I didn't think Ken would even want to see me. Jim came and picked me up. He told me that Ken had called the police and reported me missing. No one knew where I was until I called. I don't think the police even searched for me. Jim took me home to Stryker dog and Ken. Stryker was more excited to see me than Ken.

I spent the rest of that day and the next two days in bed. The pills I had taken had really messed up my body and I was quite ill. I heard voices in my head calling my name. I was sure that my dead father was calling out to me and asking me to join him. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Ken went to play bingo.

Once I was back on my feet I had to get back to work. I barely talked and was very depressed. Sometime that next week Jim put together an intervention. He got together Ken, Janice, Rishi and himself and pretty much trapped me into talking about what I was going to do with my life. They told me how much they loved me and that it was hurting them to see me drinking myself to death. My response was I wanted to go back in the past and start over. That was the easy route, I thought. By the end of the intervention it was decided that I would get counseling from Whitman Walker Clinic on depression and go to AA meetings. I was going to hate every minute of it but decided to go along with the plan.

I found out where the AA meetings were and planned my first one. There were lots of gay meetings so that made it easier for me to go to one. I talked to Whitman Walker and they set up a counselor named Bob Kenney to see me.

The first AA meeting I went to I was scared to death. I walked into this church where all these men and women were sitting around a table and reading out loud from a book. I couldn't grasp what they were saying and felt like a deer in headlights. This was not going to be easy for me. I hated it and everyone in the room. Once the meeting was over I tried to get out quickly but a guy named Irving came up to me and welcomed me to the meeting. He asked me if it was my first time and asked me if I knew about the other meetings. He told me that my best bet was to go to an open discussion meeting at another church the next night. That is what I decided to do. Listening to people reading from a book was not going to help me, I thought.

The next night I went to the meeting and Irving was there. He made sure that I introduced myself to everyone. They were all so happy and cheerful. I just wanted to take a machine gun to all of them. no one could be this happy!!!! How could alcoholics be happy without drinking? I was sure that I had been through way more than anyone else there and that I drank twice as much as them. This was just another form of hell I had to endure.

After the meeting, Irving told me I needed a sponsor and that when I came back I should raise my hand and ask for one. I didn't want to go back again. I didn't want to see those phony people. I was still pissed that I was alive. Suicide never left my train of thought. I was constantly thinking of ways I could end my life...

Love & Peace,

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Mess

I am so tired this morning. Last night after the show I went out with the cast to one of their homes and we had a karaoke party. I didn't get home until 2am and then the girls wouldn't let me sleep this morning. I feel like I have a horrible hangover and I didn't even drink anything. The party was fun though.

Today is another matinee and then one more weekend of being a woman. I'm getting used to the high heels but I don't think I could ever get used to the rest of the stuff that women have to wear. I'll be happy when it's over.

The next chapter of my story is painful to write.

My Life: I laid on the bed drinking my vodka and thinking that it was going to be my last night on earth. I was watching "Survivor" on TV. It was my favorite TV show and I thought to myself I'll never know who wins. I wasn't sad about leaving. I felt very content that I had done everything I was supposed to do. I wasn't going to miss anyone except my dog.

I had decided not to write a note. If I had, it might have gone like this:


I am freeing myself from all the pain of having to live on this earth. My body won't function without alcohol. My partner is angry with me on a daily basis. I'm broke and in debt up to my neck. My family never comes to visit me or even call. I always have to call them. I really don't have many friends. AIDS will probably take me anyway. My legs hurt, my head hurts and I no longer like who I am. People in general are just down right nasty and mean. I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!


I was going to go out like Marilyn Monroe. I fell asleep.

Time ticked away. I woke up and didn't know who or where I was. I had soiled myself and was in a strange bed. The only thing I was thinking was to get clean. I crawled (literally) on my hands and knees towards the bathroom. Once I made it to the tub it took every ounce of my strenght to get inside. The water felt nice and I cleaned my self off. Seconds felt like hours. I finished cleaning up and got out of the tub. My legs were like rubber and didn't want to function. I knew I was dying. I didn't want to be found dead naked so I put on some pants. The hotel room was a mess with a trail of human feces leading from the bed to the bathroom. It was like some really bad movie. I crawled towards the door. I blacked out.

By all means I should have died that night. I wanted to die that night!

I woke up.

I was on a stretcher in some sort of hospital. What the hell happened? This is not where I was supposed to be. How in the hell did I get here? There was no one by my side. I was alone in a hallway and I was strapped down. I called out and a nurse came up to me and forced me to drink some black liquid. It tasted like charcoal. She told me I had my stomach pumped and that the liquid would help clean out more of the poison. I asked to be unstrapped and she said it was for my own good. I was in hell!

I don't know how much time passed before someone found me and I woke up. Here is what I was told happened. Somehow or other I had opened the door to the hotel room and crawled to the elevator. I was found inside the elevator by a hotel clerk who called an ambulance. Because I had put on my pants with my wallet in my back pocket they could tell whom I was by my drivers license. The hotel let the police and emergency people into my room where they had found the empty sleeping pill bottle. I was taken to the hospital emergency room somewhere in D.C.

Being strapped on that gurney and feeling like my stomach had been turned inside out was not what I had planned. I asked them when I would get out of there and I was told that they were going to send me to a psychiatric facility. They asked me if there was anyone I needed to call and I told them no. I was taken from the hospital to the crazy ward and put into a room. There was no counseling, no explanations, no comfort.

I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Hitting Rock Bottom

I am so tired this morning. I have been at the theater 7 days straight and today will be the 9th. One more show this afternoon and we get to take a break. Hooray. I am so far behind on everything.

Went to bed last night and our new baby wet the bed the minute we lied down. That was enough to wake us up for another hour.

Yard sales sucked this weekend. Why do people have yard sales when they only have trash to sell? Recycle people!

My Life: With the few items I had packed I started to set a plan in motion. Across the street from where we lived was a small wooded area so I thought I would go hide in the trees and drink myself into a drunken stupor. Then I thought of the bugs and the hard ground.

I finally decided I was running away from home and would just stick my thumb out and go where it takes me. I would leave my car behind and my boy Stryker. I didn't care about the eBay business, the house, or Ken. Hell, I didn't care about me anymore either.

Like a traveling hobo, I stuck out thumb at the first freeway entrance and got a ride within ten minutes. The guy was going to DC and he would drop me off there. Once there I wandered the streets for a bit. I was trying to make a plan in my head but nothing was coming together. I walked to the train station to check out the cost of tickets to Vegas or anywhere else. I was shocked at the prices and I didn't want to spend that much money right away. I needed a plan first.

I then walked to the YMCA in DC so I could get some rest. It was something like 12.00 for the day and you could stay for 8 hours. I layed around and sat around to hatch things out in my head. One thing kept coming up...I hated being alive. I left the Y once it started to get dark.

My next stop was the strip of gay bars I was familiar with. There was a somewhat cheap hotel near by so I rented a room. I left my stuff in the room and went in search of my knight in shinning armour who would take me away from everything and make me happy again. I spent a couple of hours drinking in the bars and no one paid any attention to me. I felt old and ugly. Most gay men are not turned on by men over 40. It's really sad that people can be so superficial. So that night I stayed by myself in the cheap room.

The next day came and I wandered the city like a homeless person. No one pays attention to homeless people and it was like I lived in a world where I was some kind of monster. Other homeless guys would bum cigarettes from me. I gave packs away at a time. My next plan was to do the same thing I did the night before but make it work. I rented a nicer hotel room, cleaned up and didn't drink until much later in the night. 2 AM came and I was alone again. A young man on the street started asking me a bunch of questions so I invited him to my room. I prefer men over 35 and he was not my type at all. We talked a little and did some drinking and drugs and then fell asleep. He was gone the next morning. He used me for what he could get from me.

I was so tired and so bummed out. I had no ego left. I hated myself, I hated Ken, I hated everyone. It was time to change my plan. I stuck out my thumb to get out of the city. Nothing. 2 hours later...nothing. I gave up.

I found my credit card in my bag and went to one of the nicest hotels I could find. I rented a room. It was beautiful and I decided It was going to be the place where I would spend the last minutes of life. I layed everything out. Vodka, pills, cigarettes, and fluffed my pillow and turned on the TV.

I contemplated about leaving a note and decided against it. I so didn't care anymore. My family never came to visit me, My lover hated me, I hated me. Life sucked. I knew Stryker would be ok since Jim was taking care of him. I plopped in front of the TV and watched for hours while drinking vodka and chain smoked. when i finally starting getting to the point where I was feeling tipsy, I took the bottle of sleeping pills and downed the entire contents. Someone would find me dead the next day since I only paid for one night. The last thing I remember was watching "Survivor" on TV. I fell asleep like Marilyn Monroe...

Love & Peace,


Saturday, July 4, 2009

Today Juicy, Yesterday Hell

This is Juicy. Scott and I went to the animal shelter on Thursday July 2nd to rescue a baby from jail. She is 7 months old and adorable. She has had all her shots, spayed and micro chipped. Cost to us was only $25.00. I am so happy we could give her a good home and have a chance at a happy life. Our other girls are getting along with her just fine.

Juicy slept with us last night and she had her head on my pillow most of the night. How anyone could put such a wonderful creature in a shelter, I don't know.

Today we are heading to a Fourth of July Party and tomorrow I have a full day of rehearsal for Tartuffe. Busy weekend again.

My Life: I have this huge scar on my stomach from where they removed the appendix. Since it had burst, they had to cut a much bigger hole than usual. Even though I am still in a lot of pain, I have to get back to work. While I was in the hospital, Ken got Jim to help him with the computer side of the business. He had no idea how to do any of it and he refused to learn. He said it was too hard. If anything happens to me, Ken would have to find a real job.

After working another few months long and hard we decided to go to Vegas. It was Ken who decided this more than me. I had no say since I really didn't have any money. He was in charge of all our finances. I was excited at the thought of free alcoholic beverages and slot machines.

We spent a week in Vegas and saw shows and did a little bit of gambling. Ken pretty much put all of it on a credit card. One of the cards I was totally responsible for. I didn't know it at the time but I was thousands of dollars in debt. I pretty much stayed drunk the whole vacation and Ken treated me like a second hand dishrag. we didn't spend much time together and when we did, he told everyone who would listen that he was ashamed of me. The week was one long blur for me. Even the plane ride home I was half drunk.

Back on the home front things started to get even worse. Ken was a very moody person and had no problem taking it out on me. The littlest things would set him off. If a bill came in the mail, he would be mad a me all day. If I undercharged a customer by a few cents he would tell me I was a horrible business person. This was the worst relationship I had ever been in and I felt trapped.

I would hide bottles of booze because I didn't want Ken to know exactly how much I was drinking. When he would find one, more hell for me. I didn't know it at the time but he was watering down my bottles of vodka. I guess I drank even more because of that. I wanted to hide from him on a daily basis. When we went out in public together I would have to put on a happy facade. If I didn't, there would be hell to pay. His torture was all mental. I was so susceptible because I lost my identity and I no longer loved myself. I really had begun to feel like I wanted to die. I had no self worth.

Ken was itching to go on another vacation. I had no money and told him we couldn't afford to go anywhere. He was spending our money at bingo and using credit cards to pay for things like electricity for our home. I already owed over $10,000 on one card alone. He didn't care and told me he was going to take a 3 day vacation by himself to Atlantic City. He left in his car on Friday and told me he would be back the following Monday.

My head was spinning. This was my chance to do something. I had no where to go and no money. I was ashamed at whom I had become. I called Jim to see if he would look after Stryker Dog if I went away for the weekend and he said he would. Stryker was my only companion at the time.

I packed a bag with cigarettes, a pillow, one pair of underwear, a clean shirt, a clean pair of pants, vodka, toiletries and a full bottle of sleeping pills that I had stolen from Ken...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, June 21, 2009


I just want to break out of the usual today and explain a little about me. I've been thinking (which can be dangerous) about what I have written so far and about who I am. Those who have read everything up to this point know more about me than my blood family. I have never been the type of person to tell all. The story so far is the edited version when it comes to sex, politics and religion. I figured I can add more once I am done with round one.

Some who have been reading say "What a life" or "You've been through so much". So many people don't know all the physical pains I have because I don't express them. I hate to be a whiner. To me, I have whined alot in my written words and maybe that is because I needed an outlet. I am not one to look for sympathy and I still have a hard time asking for any kind of help.

I feel that everyone has had an interesting life in one way or another. You may think mine is bizarre, to you, but I'm sure I would feel the same about your life. Whether you lived a clean cut life or were raised by wolves, it is without a doubt, the life you had to cope with. We have all suffered loss and sadness but we cannot forget the happiness we have seen.

I went to see a play last night that had a friend of mine in it. I was in terrible pain but it was worth the 2 hours of sitting there watching because I was happy on the inside knowing that I had good friends that mean so much to me.

This morning I'm not 100% but I will give what I can to make the day a good one. Next week, I will be out of town and will not write on Sunday. Maybe I will get some done during the week. I am so close to reaching the present.

Quickie My Life: I woke up in the hospital after having my appendix removed. I didn't even know they had operated. Ken was there but I felt so alone. I just wanted to go home and have a drink! I stayed in the hospital for 4 days or so and I had no visitors. People tend to avoid alcoholics. I got back home and began drinking even heavier than before...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, June 14, 2009


Today: I am swamped with stuff to sell from my 2 clients and myself. The basement is loaded with sports action figures, music cd's, wreastling memrobilia, doll house furniture and lots of other stuff. I painted the upstairs bathroom last night because Scott tried to do it and then had to leave for his show. I can't stand anything like that unfinished.

I go into full swing rehearsals starting tomorrow. The first audience will be on 7-9-09 at Vpstart Crow in Manassas. I get so stressed by my lines to memorize.

My Life: I had to talk to Ken about the "I love you". I had to figure out where Stryker and I were going to go. Ken pretty much told me that he was very in love with me and that I could move in with him. He lived in an apartment complext that didn't allow dogs. I told him I would NOT live anywhere that wasn't animal friendly. He told me that it would be temporary and that we could get a place together to rent. It was beginning to sound like it might work.

I had another court date with the disabilty hearing and when it came to my turn to testify I totally broke down crying. Bad stress always makes the pain more intense and I just balled my eyes out when the judge asked me about my diagnosis with HIV and neuropothy. He approved my SSDI. That meant medical coverage to get treatment! YES!!!!

That same week, I moved in with Ken. I loaded all my stuff up by myself and moved. No one helped me, not Jim or anyone. We had to find a place soon because the complex was going to find out about Stryker since I had to walk him a few times a day to go potty. Plus there were lots of kids that liked to play outside near us.

Ken and I looked for a place quickly and found one in South Arlington. It was a 2 Bedroom home with 2 flights and a basement. I could set up my eBay in the business and Ken could keep his living quarters clutter free. (Did I mention that Ken was a clean freak). There was a big enough yard for my baby to run outside and pee. It was an ideal home and the rent was cheap. The owner was gay and just wanted the mortgage covered so he didn't charge much more than that.

Ken had a lot of beautiful furniture and collectibles. The house was beautiful once he had it decorated. Now we had to make a little more money to afford the electric, water, gas and all to run a house. Ken was dealing cocaine and I was on SSDI. I supplemented our income with eBay to pay for food. SSDI is not enough for anyone to live on. I also did a lot of Ken's cocaine to ease the pain.

That October I was turning 42. We decide to have a house warming, birthday party and halloween party all in one. I don't remember a lot of the part since I got so wasted I blacked out. I dressed as a zombie who woke up in the morgue. I ended up as a living zombie passed out in bed.

My doctor had given me all kinds of pain killers but none of them seemed to work very well. I know now that many medications do not work if you drink alcohol. And I drank! I started buying vodka by the case again. That way, I wouldn't have to leave the house for a week at a time. I would get up and start eBaying and drinking with a hit of coke here and there. Ken would clean house and pack up anything that needed to be shipped out.

We weren't making enough money and we had to find better products to sell. We would go to the mall and look for closeout sales. One day we stopped in Spencer Gifts and met the manager. She looked just like Helen Hunt. Ken was a charmer when it came to speaking to people. he could get anyone to like him. Spencer Gifts always had sales and Ken got the manager to give him even bigger discounts on their closeout items by purchasing in bulk. She would call us anytime something was marked down and we would have first shot at it. Ken put it all on his credit card.

The money from the cocaine would go back into buying more cocaine. The money from my SSDI and eBay would go into the home and food. What I didn't know was Ken was only paying the minimum on the credit card and the debt was getting bigger every month.

I sat in front of the computer, in pain, up to eight hours a day. I did it for us. We would get calls from eBay saying that we were one of the most valuable sellers they had. We were the Spencer store on line and people bought most everything. This was before eBay became a mega business. We were even invited to their first conference in DC and they paid for our tickets.

We took our first vacation that next year and went to DisneyLand in Florida. We went to Universal Studios and Sea World. Stayed for a week and had a blasT. We vowed we would go on vacation once a year. Our next stop was going to be Vegas.

Back at home, we decided to go play bingo one night. We found a place in Annandale, VA and went. They had these tickets called rip offs, pulloffs that were had many instant winners. Ken hit 500.00 that first time and we were hooked from there on out. He loved to play and I loved it too. We started to meet some of the regulars and it soon became our only social night out.

One night just before bingo, my stomach was hurting really bad. I felt cramped and bloated and was in major pain. Ken kept bugging me to go to bingo. I kept telling him I was in pain. He said he would take me to the hospital. He took me to the mergency room and dropped me off at the door. Told me was going to go play bingo and to call him when I was done.

I waited in the emrgency room for over an hour and no one would see me. When they finally gave me a bed to lie down, my appendix burst...

Love & Peace,

Sunday, June 7, 2009

WeSell Hell

Today: I went to Williamsburg Friday to help my step dad set up for his yard sale in three weeks. I spent the first night with my sister and it was redneck heaven. Drunks, smokers, dope heads and karaoke. Of all of these, I sang. The next day I priced a lot of his stuff and put my mothers dollhouse up on eBay. By 4:00 I was exhausted and drove home. I am still very tired today and Scott and I are going to a birthday party for a close friend. It will be nice to relax but I am behind again on my work. I don't know how people go on vacation anymore?

I also stopped by Jim's daughters house just to say hello. She gave me a bunch of his DVDs to sell on eBay. This is going to be a short chapter.

My Life: Here I am ready to sue WeSell. The lawyers say they want to have a meeting. We have court in a few hours and my lawyer tells me they want to settle out of court. I sit down with my lawyer and he tells me if we go to court we may or may not win. He says that WeSell did not follow government guidelines for paying me for all the hours that I worked. I was not a salary position and they took advantage of me. They used me like slave labor and the proof was in my time cards and with the award they had given me for employee of the quarter. He also told me that it would be hard to prove that H.R. had broken the confidentiality agreement. I had kept very good records but there was a lot of he said, she said. The witnesses weren't reliable since they still worked at WeSell and we could not count on them to tell the truth.

I thought it all over and decided that we should settle out of court. The lawyer would ask for an amount and bring it to WeSell and see if they agreed. As much as I wanted the world to know how horrible I was treated by these people, I needed the money to survive. WeSell agreed to the amount and I had to sign a paper saying I would never disclose the name of their company with this law suit. So I was not allowed to talk about them ever again and I came out of the ordeal with a one year salary. My lawyer took almost half. There was nothing more I could do.

During all of this time I was out of work, I had applied for social security disability. I got turned down even though my doctor said I could not work as much as I used to be able to. I applied again. The pain increases every year and just gets worse.

I kept selling stuff on eBay and I got Ken Danfelt to help me out. Ken would come by the house with his stuff and we would sell it together. We would also go yard sailing together. Jim didn't much like this but he was asleep until after noon everyday. Ken and I were seeing more and more of each other. We were also doing a lot of cocaine. It was such a weakness of mine. The coke would numb me from pain and emotions. I was also still drinking and told Ken I was an alcoholic. He accepted me for who I was. I told myself I wasn't going to fall in love with him.

One day as I was dropping Ken off at his place he got out of the car and before he shut the door he said "I love you". He then rushed off. Now what? I went back home and Jim was telling me that he didn't want to live in a loveless household anymore and that we needed to go our separate ways.

Here I am torn as to what I should do. Ken's in love with me, Jim hates me and I have my little Stryker dog. I'm in pain all the time and am killing that with drugs and booze. If I move in with Ken, I cannot bring Stryker - NOT. I can't afford to move into my own place or keep this place if Jim moves out. I have another court date for disability coming up soon and I don't feel good about that. At this point in my life I totally feel like a useless human being and things were going to get worse.

Love & Peace,



Sunday, May 31, 2009

They did what????

Now: I am going to see Scott's show today at Dominion Stage, "Jeffrey". He opened on friday with success. I just hope I will like it because I am not a very good liar. Next weekend I plan on going down to Williamsburg to help my stepdad get ready for his yard sale which I'm going to be running on the last weekend in June.

Busy learning lines, eBaying, cleaning house, yard work and all of that. Not a lot of new to report.

My Life: WeSell, where I work, is getting harder for me everyday. I have to stand a lot and do a lot of walkiing to get my job done. My legs aren't co-operating and are screaming at me. I have a high tolerance for pain and I keep on working. I do, however go to the HR office and have a chat with the manager. He tells me that everything I say is confidential like a lawyer - client contract. This prompts me to open up to him about everything, almost.

I tell him that I have been HIV+ for many years and that I don't have the energy I used to have. I disclose to him that I have been diagnosed with Neuropothy and my legs hurt all the time. I tell him that I will be setting up docto'rs appointments and will probably need some time off in the near future. He tells me that is no problem and that I needn't worry.

On the home front, I am dating Ken and still living with Jim. Ken comes by the house everyday and we do eBay together. He doesn't know how to do anything on the computer so he helps with packing things up and shipping.

About Ken: He is a neat freak. Everything in it's place and a place for everything. He likes his cocaine but doesn't drink at all. He seems to be one of the nicest people around and is almost always happy. He is totally infatuated with me.

At this point in my life I am not looking for another relationship. I am drinking heavily and doing cocaine with Ken. The pain gets worse and Jim keeps spying on my every move.

The week after I went to HR at WeSell, some of the employees started to avoid me and would no longer talk to me. I was being stared at by the secretaries. Even some of the people who talked to me everyday now avoided any contact with me. I knew something was wrong so I went back to HR. I explained to him what was going on and I saw the fear in his eyes. He told me that he had told the owners of the company about my problems. My world began to crumble. Both owners, although married, were having affairs with their assistants. The assitants were good friends with other employees. Tell the owner something and everyone finds out.

Only one person in the office would really speak to me. Her name was Maria Scorsinelli and she was from Trinidad-Tobago. She was a closeted lesbian because she was afraid that WeSell would fire her if they found out she were gay. She told me that the entire office knew I was HIV+ and that they were all afaid that I was going to give them AIDS.

By this era, the truth about AIDS and HIV had been discovered and through education everyone knew how it was transmitted. You couldn't get it by just being around someone who had it. There had to be an exchange of body fluids or sharing needles. No by sitting on a toilet seat or drinking from a cup!! This didn't stop the predjudice and stigma that came from being HIV+.

I couldn't get any work done at WeSell so I called a lawyer. We met and I told him what had happened and he took my case. Should I win a law suit he would recieve %40 of my take. Should I lose I would only pay a few thousand for his services. He told me I had a good case so I took him on. He told me the case would only take a couple of months from beginning to end.

The one problem I had was no one at WeSell would be a willing witness on my behalf. Not even Maria, whom I couldn't blame her for not wanting to. I documented everything for a week. I made copies of my files and hours I put in since I had started with them. By the end of the second week, I couldn't bare it anymore. The silence at WeSell was deafening. I walked out and never looked back.

Ken and I started going to yardsales together and buying everything we could to sell on eBay. The auction business was booming. We would get big bucks for crappy stuff. I would spend most of my nights with Ken. We got along fabulously.

The court date came...

Today: Sorry, I just got a new client to sell some stuff and he wants me to come to his home right away to pick it all up. Seems he needs his garage empty immediately. Thank god I had business cards with me yesterday as I was yard saleing.

Love & Peave,


Sunday, May 24, 2009

I want out!

Today: Nothing much new to say. Trying to learn my lines for the show I am in. Yard sales were few this weekend so not a lot of new products for me to sell. I'll be working on the garage today to get that cleaned out some more. At least I'm feeling better.

My Life: When Jim and I moved into the new home in Alexandria I started drinking heavily again. Since the drugs were less I added more alcohol. I really didn't like myself very much. I thought I was a happy drunk and I did everything I could to please everyone around me. That wasn't working because Jim would get angry about my consumption of booze. I am the type of person that will hide his emotions when upset. The silent angry type. That doesn't help in any relationship.

I started going out at night to the "Eagle" in D.C.. I avoided being around Jim as much as possible. When we did cross paths, all we did was fight. He was constantly harping on me. He would get on my computer and track all the websites and chat rooms I had been in. He knew how to find everything on it and he stole my privacy from me. I know that relationships are built on love & trust but we were both breaking the rules. He spyed on me and I cheated on him. He began to cheat on me too. It wasn't pretty.

One morning I had a hangover so bad that I was taking a shower and fell in the tub. My neck missed the edge of the tub by inches and I slammed my shoulder instead. It hurt really bad but I have a high tolerance for pain. Jim slept through the fall. He never got out of bed before 1PM anyway. So I drove to work and checked in with my staff. As I was talking to someone about the fall my shoulder made a large cracking noise. They cringed and told me to go to the hospital. I drove there and had an x-ray done. Broken in 3 places. I wore a cast for 4 months or so.

Healed from the shoulder, my body started making it's own changes. I began feeling a pins and needles like sensation in my legs. I was wearing down and had no energy. My muscles hurt and I became depressed. I couldn't stand as much and had to sit often. I went to the doctor's office and he couldn't find anything wrong with me other than being HIV+.

My routine was: I drank. I did more drugs. I fought with Jim. I drank. I went to the gay bar. I drank. I picked up men. I barely went to work. I hurt, so I drank more.

Jim and I were all but through. We just lived together. I wanted to move but I didn't have the funds to do so.

A friend from work introduced me to eBay and I gave it a try. I started out with a mermaid troll doll that I had purchased at a yard sale for a dollar. It was in mint condition and I sold it on eBay for $75.00. I was hooked. I had found a new way to help pay for my drinking, smoking and drug habits.

The pain in my body was getting worse and I would go in for tests on a regular basis. Finally there was a test where they hooked up these electrodes to my legs and turned on a machine that would shock me. When they did this to me, I felt nothing. There wasn't any feeling of shock. They hooked it up to my upper leg and I felt it. I was stunned. The lower portion of my legs seemed to be asleep most of the time. The doctor told me I had peripheral neuropathy. The nerves in my legs were dying. No wonder I couldn't stand as long as I had used to. They gave me a medication called neuronton and told me I should feel relief in about 6 weeks.

I was so lost in my own mind. I wanted out! I wanted out of my relationship! I wanted out of my house! I wanted out of my life! I began to hate going to work because of the pain! The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my dog Stryker.

Then I met Ken Danfelt at the Eagle bar...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, May 17, 2009

WeSell Bliss

It's cold and rainy outside. Rain makes my legs hurt worse than they already do. I picked up a lot of stuff at yard sales yesterday so I have a lot to do on eBay today. Gotta make that grocery money.

Scott is back to his normal self again. Feeling better, so I guess all the new medications are working. I, on the other hand, have been feeling a bit on the wrong sides of the tracks. My legs have been acting up terribly, I'm gaining weight and getting headaches. I guess I am going to have to make another doctor appointment. Mentally I'm great.

My Life: Two of Jim's best friends were Janice & Rishi. They are the nicest lesbian couple I have ever met. Janice is American Indian and Rishi is a love child who reads astrological charts. We became good friends too. I took them to see Carol Channing when she was in town again and got back stage passes for them. They were in total awe.

We got our first computer and began learning everything we could. Of course the first thing we took to were chat rooms. There we could meet other gay people who didn't hang out in bars and talk to strangers like we had known them forever.

During those first years with Jim, I had more friends and felt so loved. It wasn't going to last. The landlord decided to keep raising the rent and Jim and I couldn't afford to stay. Jay & Kenny, out of the blue, didn't want anything to do with us anymore. We had been doing too much cocaine and now we had to move. My job wasn't promoting me like I thought they would so I was looking for another one. Something uppper mangement.

The first thing we did was give up the coke. Then we found a home in Alexandria that was owned by a friend of Jim's. The move was amazing. Whitman Walker Clinic gathered up about 25 volunteers and they all came by and moved us in. It was one of those two story homes with a basement. Kinda small but looked great at first. Once we were moved in, we felt a little cramped.

I had an interview that year with a new and upcoming telemarketing company. I am not allowed to say their name in my writings so I will call them WeSell. (more about that later) WeSell hired me as a sales manager after the second interview. I had asked for full health coverage from day one and a nice salary. Impressed by my sales abilities and past, they gave me the job. I was to keep the people on the floor motivated and give them expertise on how to close a sale. I ran contests for them, did schedules, hired, fired and kept track of sales volumes. It was a job I really enjoyed.

Home life was changing too. We had two computers at home. One for Jim and one for me. They were both set up in the same room. Jim would spend all day and night on his and the house was fallinig apart. I was working 50 hour weeks and didn't want to come home and clean all night. I did the best I could but it gets to the point where it becomes futile. I was beginning to hate where I lived but I loved my job.

Within months, I applied for a trainers position at WeSell. I had done so well with my staff that they promoted me to a salary job. I put together training manuals, wrote sales scripts, taught all the new employees when they came in the door and everyone on updates as needed. The company expanded to two locations and I trained everyone at the second location too. I worked my ass off. One quarter I was named employee of the quarter and recieved a $500.00 check, a new ski coat and trophy as well as recognition on their wall of fame. I really loved this job. People looked up to me and said I was one of the nicest and best trainers they had ever had.

Then I got sick...

Love & Peace,

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Do I Look Like an Old Woman?

I got a call from the director of the 3 man Dracula show and he told me I wasn't cast. He told me who got each role and he cast the worst actor in the biggest part. I really believe it was cast on looks and not ability. Anyway, I wasn't heartbroken.

Monday night I had an audition for "Tartuffe" at Vpstart Crow. It's not a very good play but they are setting it in the 1980's and plan on camping it up. The theater also pays their actors a small stipend. The audition was fun and on Wednesday I got the call that they wanted me to play the old woman role. They thought it would be hysterical. Sort of Bea Arthur meets Joan Collins. I just know I will make one ugly woman so I took the role. It opens in July so more on that later.

Scott has been battling fever and sinus attacks again. We went to two different emergency rooms this week. He is home and stable and recovering. I get so worried about him.

Today is house cleaning, grass mowing and eBaying. I really could use an assistant or maid. Come to think of it, how about a million dollars and a vacation? Ah, it is nice to dream.

My Life: I found a job almost immediately in Tyson's Corner. It was...wait for it...
Time Life Libraries again! Selling books, CD's over the phone. All those collections you used to see on TV were the ones I called people about. There was a quota to be met every week and I was always at the top of my game. This was an easy job for.

Living with Jim and Stryker was fun those first couple of years. We did a lot of cocaine but I didn't do a lot of drinking. Oh. I drank but moderately. Our friends Jay and Kenny would come by all the time and we played cards and snorted our brains out. I even got Kenny a job at Time Life. We were the best of buds.

I had also met Tony during this time. He was a few years younger than me and a friend of Jims. When ever I went to the bars I would wear my motorcycle leather and Tony wanted to try some on one night. Once I put my jacket on him, he was hooked. He looked good too. We would go to the Eagle in DC and hang out. Tony asked me one night if I would enter into the Mr. Leather contest with him. He pretty much wanted me as his security blanket. I said yes even though I didn't think I could beat him.

There were 15 entries into the contest and I was lucky number 13. It was broken down to the final five and both Tony and I were still standing. It was quite intense. The interview process was done by a bunch of leather guys who did a lot for the gay community. Tony came in 4th and I came in 3rd. It was fun. The next year, Tony would win the Mr. Eagle contest. I was so proud of him. He would also end up doing porn magazines and not the better ones. Today Tony is 5'5" and weighs around 300 pounds.

These were happier times for me. I loved going to Gay Pride every year, hanging out with friends and snorting coke. My job was awesome and I had started to train the newcomers. I was moving up in the company, I thought.

Then this new thing called the home personal computer with Internet came along...

Love and Peace,

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Beginning of an End

I went to an audition yesterday in Falls Church, VA for a play that will be in the "Fringe Festival" this year. It is called Count Dracula's Cafe and it reads well with a Dracula that is my age. At the audition the Director put me down on more than one occasion. He said I was the worst singer he had ever heard (I only sang one line), he said I was going bald and that I had to grow hair in the back because I couldn't in the front. He thought the worst actor auditioning was the best actor there. There were only 4 of us and I know I didn't suck that bad.

With Scott gone almost every night directing his show and my closest friends passing away or moving, it's getting a little lonely. I haven't found any new friends since we've moved. Every audition has gone bad this year. Business is way down and I am feeling the burn.

Today I will make a GREAT day. It is time to clean out some more stuff so look out eBay this week!

My Life: Jim sent me the tickets to Orlando. I just told Ken that a friend invited me on a trip for a week and left. I wasn't at all concerned if Ken cared. I just left. When I got to Orlando, Jim picked me up and we went to the resort he was staying at. It was one of those fancy "gay" resorts. Jim and I did a lot of cocaine that week. He didn't drink but he bought me vodka.

Jim had bought me a speedo bathing suit and asked me if I would wear it to the pool. I had a hot body at the time and did so with pleasure. I was feeling sexy as hell that week, being cruised by all the men. I never wanted to leave.

The last day of the trip, Jim gave me a present. It was my first CD boom box. I was still listening to cassettes back then. I was overwhelmed with joy. Music was the one thing that took me away from my troubles. Jim then took me to the store and purchased a bunch of my favorite music. We went back to the resort and talked. I told him that I still loved him and that I had always loved him since the first time we had met. He said he loved me too and that I should move back to Virginia with him. I was all for it. I hated where I was in my life and was ready to go. Jim said he would rent a van and drive down to get me and my stuff.

I got back to Ken's house in Ocala and started to pack. I had no problem telling Ken that I was moving away and taking Stryker with me. I told him Jim would be here by the end of the week. That week, I hardly saw Ken at all. Jim arrived, we packed the van full and we left without looking back. I was exhausted!

We checked into a hotel the first night and I called my mom and dad to let them know where I was. My dad informed me that my mother was in the hospital and not doing well. Everyone thought she wasn't going to make it this time. Jim asked me if I wanted to visit on the way back and of course I said yes. She lived in Williamsburg which is only a couple hours from Arlington.

When we got to the hospital I almost lost it. My mother looked so weak and frail. I whispered in her ear that if she wanted to go that we would be fine. That night she began to get well again. She was a fighter! I told her about Jim and she seemed pleased.

Jim and I got back to his place. It was an apartment complex that didn't allow dogs. I refused to give up Stryker so Jim said we would look for a place to live together. Jim didn't have a job back then. He collected social security because of AIDS and he sold cocaine to supplement his income. He had sold his life insurance policy because he thought he wasn't going to live long and used most of the money for the trip in Orlando. I had no job and had no idea what I was going to do. We looked for a place to live.

Remember the house I lived in with all those guys in Arlington? Well, Jim and I rented the house across the street from it. 2 Story with a big yard. The upstairs was one big room and Jim allowed me to do want I wanted with it. I turned it into ClaytonLand. It was a reflection of my personality and all of my quirkiness.

A few of Jim's friends were very wary of me, thinking I was a taker. Others accepted me into their lives. Janice & Rishi, a lesbian couple, took to me immediately as did Kenny and Jay. 3 gay couples, lots of cocaine and booze, we would play cards and just hang out.

During the first week, Ken would call me every night and cry for me to come back to Florida. He said he was sorry and that he missed and loved me. It was heartbreaking to listen to him but I stood strong and told him what was done was done. he would write letters after that, that I never responded to. Finally those stopped coming too. I have not, to this day, talked to him again.

That first month in Arlington, Jim took me to see the AIDS quilt in D.C. It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen. I found a few of my friends names on the quilt. Even found my own name, although it wasn't made for me. It was so emotionally overwhelming that I just collapsed on the ground. I will never, ever forget that feeling.

Now, with all the extra cocaine that was going in my nose, Jim insisted that I find a job. Here we go again...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Hello Goodbye

Today: My dear friend and ex lover Jim passed away Thursday night at around 9:30 PM. I was there with him and his family. He had called me the night before to tell me he had congenial heart failure and internal bleeding. The doctor's said he would pass in a matter of 1-2 days. So I drove down to say goodbye. Jim will be a significant part of "My Life" in future chapters.

My Life: So I am back to having one job and having a hard time finding anything else. The paycheck is too small and I need work. I would check the paper everyday for anything. It's tough to get a job in Florida if you don't speak spanish. Then the ad caught my eye. ELETROLUX. I know it sounds horrible but I thought it would be a piece of cake. My mother used to sell Electrolux vaccuum cleaners at one time and she always said they were the best.

I went to the company and applied for the job. They hired me immediately and said they would give me classes on the cleaners. The classes consisted of tearing the machines apart, cleaning them and putting them back together, and all the awesome features. The biggest don't with a cleaner is "Never suck up and water". It voids the warrenty. I was told the job was commission only and thought I could sell the crap out of them. Once I learned how much they cost, I wasn't so sure. During class I met Joan & Butch ( a mother and son team). They would become friends of mine during this stage in my life.

Joan was the most overweight woman I had ever befriended. Her son was a very tall, big redneck. They like to drink, cuss and do drugs. I fit in perfectly even though I was never much on cussing.

So here I am trying to sell these vaccuums and not doing so well. I think I sold one the first week and another within the first month. The commission was about 100.00 per cleaner so I wasn't making very much money. We had a new boss take over our store and he was a convicted felon who had just gotten oout of jail. Kind of a scary guy yet attractive. Whenever he was around me he would always talk about how pretty his wife was. I found that strange. Then one day he shows me her picture and asks me if I would like to fuck her. I know my mouth hit the floor and since no one knew at Electrolux that I was gay, I said she was very attractive and that I would have sex with her if she weren't married to the boss. I'm not sure what happened next so I'll tell it the best I can.

The boss man told me his wife was out of town and that he wasn't getting any. He kept telling me how horny he was and that while he was in jail he had plenty of BJ's from men. It didn't bother him at all. He said men did a better job than women anyway. I knew what he was going for. He told me that if I took care of him, he would give me the best territories for sales. So I did him right there in his office.

Even though I was sent out to the better area, I didn't make many more sales. I would average 2 a month. The second month I met the boss's wife and she really was pretty. She asked me if I was interested in a 3-way with her and her husband. I said yes even though I wasn't. After meeting her, the following week he asked me to meet him at an address during the day. I found it and it was a hotel where he wanted me to "Take Care" of him again. I did and he gave me a job making phone calls to set up appointments for the other sales reps. He said he would pay me something like 5.00 per appointment. Since I knew I had mad skills on the phone, I thought this would work out perfect.

I lasted another week calling people from the phone book. Cold calls are not what I thought I had signed up. I thought I would be given leads. Plus the phone I used was right next to you know whos office and he wanted more than just appointments made. I couldn't deal with it and finally quit the job. Sexual harrassment laws were harder to prove back then and male on male harassment was very embarrassing. Today I wouldn't hesitate to file a claim.

Although I still have a job with Time Life, it's not enough. I helped Linda have a sale of her stuff and she paid me some. I did odd jobs here and there. And at night, I would drink myself into oblivion. Occasionaly doing drugs with either Linda, Hector, Joan, Butch or Ken. The one constant was my dog Stryker. Always there for me.

One day Glenn, Ken's 9 yo son had come to house and I caught him choking Stryker in the back yard. If I hadn't walked in on him, he would have killed my baby. I imediately went to Ken and told him what I saw and Ken ssid I was lying and that Glen would never do such a thing. This is the same kid that would smash his own head against walls and windows if he didn't get his way. He also beat up the other kids in the neighborhood.

I remeber getting really wasted that night and listening to country music. I called my friend Jim in Arlington, VA for advise. I had been friends with him since I was 21 and he was always there for me. He said that he was on his way down to Orlando Florida for a vacation and asked me if I wanted to join him. With no hesitation, I said YES! He would send me the plane ticket to meet him at the motel in florida. Now all I had to do was tell Ken...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Another Job

My Life: This was the time in my life That I went through a lot of jobs. The pay was really poor at Time Life and I worked the afternoon shift. Since I had the mornings free I took another job as a phone solicitor selling credit card protection. It was part time and in the mornings. Talk about a scam! I hated this job a lot. Smoke filled room with 30 or so phones and stacks of cards. Pay was commission only. It was a hard sell and I sold a enough of the product to warrant my first paycheck of about $200.00.

I also had met a young woman there who thought I was a CJ special. I asked her what that meant and she told me "Cream your Jeans Special". I think she was in her early 20's and I wasn't at all interested. I don't even remember her name.

When I went to work that first payday, the doors to the building were locked and there was a note on the door telling everyone that they were closed until further notice. I wanted my money!!!! There must have been 20 or so of us outside the building trying to figure out what to do. Some phone numbers were exchanged, including mine to the CJ girl.

When I got home the CJ girl called me to ask what I was going to do. I told her I would call the owner of the company and get back to her. I researched all the business information I could and came up with the number. I called the owner and he said that he didn't have the funds to pay anyone right away but was going to get them and pay us all off. I was stunned that someone would not pay their employees and knew he was lying. When I finished the call to him I immediately got back on the phone and called the local television station.

That evening on the 6 o'clock news I saw the story. It seems the TV station went out the beginning of the next shift and filmed employees not getting into the building. They reported that they were still trying to contact the owner. While watching this I got a phone call. It was the CJ girl. She started asking me strange questions, like what would I like to do with her in bed and the such. I told her I was seeing someone else and she told me that she had driven by my home and saw me alone through the front windows watching TV. How did she get my address? She had followed me from the job earlier that day. I had heard of stalkers before but never thought it would happen to me. Just the feeling of someone watching you without you being aware is creepy. I told her so too.

I had mornings and nights available to do what I could to get the money owed me. To me it was a lot since I was so poor back then. I called the BBB, the law and anyone who would listen. Within a week I got a call from the owner of the scam company and he said he had cut me a check and that I should lay off him. All my hard work had paid off and I received the money in a matter of days. I cashed it and it didn't bounce. Whew!

In the meantime CJ girl kept calling me. She wouldn't take no for an answer. I lived inside my home with curtains drawn closed at all times. I told her I got paid and that she should put her energy into calling the owner and leave me alone. She finally quit calling. Thank God!

During this whole ordeal, Ken didn't raise a finger to help. He was too busy with his own personal stuff. He was more of a visitor to me than a lover. On occasion he would come to the house and we would talk or even have sex. One time he invited this really hot guy over and while having a 3 way, he filmed it. He didn't ask my permission, he just started filming. I was young and didn't protest and after all, the other guy was HOT! I don't know what happened to that film. ARGH!

That next week I found another life changing job...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, April 12, 2009


That temperature should read 103.8 in the previous entry

Past & Present

Scott was in the hospital for 3 days. He came home from his first rehearsal with a fever. It slowly reached 13.8 so I took him to Prince William Hospital. It seems he had a massive sinusitis attack. The doctors pumped him full of fluids and antibiotics. He's home now and safe.

Scott's parents and aunt left Thursday afternoon. It was hard to have 3 extra people in our home for 8 days but we managed. I am baffled at how the 3 of them used up a 6 month supply of toilet paper during their stay? Nice people, though set in their ways and very verbal about what they stand for.

Today is Easter and we are going to a friends house for the hunt of the elusive colored eggs! I'm going to make monkey bread for everyone.

My Life: Ah, Time Life Libraries. I was pretty good at this job too. I quickly became of the phone reps that were on top consistently. I was very outgoing at the time so it was easy for me. While there I met Linda F. She was a divorced mother of one. Her daughter was as cute as a button. Linda didn't have many friends as she was new to the area. We started to see each other on the side. She was a pretty woman with very large breasts and we would hang out at my place without Ken and get drunk. We would also have safe sex. At least I was getting it from somewhere. I was still gay but I really liked Linda.

I also met Hector at Time Life. He and his brother came to work there at the same time. His brother looked like one of those guys on the cover of a romance novel. Hector was a little older and more rugged looking. He was the father of one and one on the way. He really turned me on.

Hector's brother was getting all the attention at work so I asked Hector if he wanted to come by my place for a drink. He was a friendly outgoing kinda guy and came over that night. Once there, he asked me if I was seeing Linda and if we like 3 ways. I told him I was and that I never asked Linda (even though she knew I was gay).
Without much hesitation, I made a move towards him. He was very open to the idea and we had sex. We became fuck buddies.

Now I have Ken who is supposed to be my lover. I'm dating Linda & Hector. I also go to the gay bar about 30-40 minutes from where I live to meet other men. I drink every night and do whatever drugs I can find.

In between all this madness I still have yard sales every weekend. I had accumulated so much stuff and I needed to get rid of it.

Also happening during this time was Ken's sister had filed a law suit against his mother. It seemed she thought she was unfit to handle her estate and wanted more land. I had to go do a deposition and tell them what I thought. Basically I told the court that the sister was a money hungry bitch who was trying to steal from her own mother. Ken and his sister became bitter enemies and he spent most every day and night with his mother.

I started to get more depressed. Linda was going to move to North Carolina and Hector was going to marry his pregnant girlfriend. I would lock myself in the house and drink, listening to country music. I felt so alone.

Love & Peace

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Stryker Dog

Now: Scott's parents and aunt are in town and staying with us at the moment. I've been really busy cooking and making sure they are comfortable. His dad is really a hoot! The ladies and I went to yard sales today and then I introduced them to Wegman's Grocery Store. Complete and utter awe. They live in Utah and have never seen anything like it before.

Tomorrow we are all going to see Scott in "Something Different" at Eldon Street Players Theater. He's got multiple roles in the show including the old woman. It's a kids show and should be very funny. He really is quite talented. Afterwards is his cast party.

Monday I have a doctor's appointment. Tuesday is working at the consignment shop. Everyday is eBay and cleaning and cooking. I need a break!

My Life: I was at the art gallery about 3 months before I was fired. Christmas time came and I was given one of the most beautiful presents in my entire life. I was at Ken's mother's house and we were all opening our gifts when out came a bubbly little black and white furry Shih Tzu. He came running straight to me and was the happiest littlest puppy ever. He was purchased at one of those horrible breeding homes andcompletely covered in fleas. I had just watched a movie a few days before about a man named Stryker, who had to overcome the odds. That's what I decided to name my new baby, Stryker.

Stryker became my best friend. We went to yard sales together. I once brought him to an outdoor art show and I wore a huge afro wig and proudly showed him off. He took a while to train and he taught me patience and unconditional love. When no one else was there for me, he was. He keep me company through many lonesome nights and days.

Since I had become unemployed, I didn't know what to do next. I looked for work and couldn't find anything. When spring came, Ken gave me $100.00 and told me start my own flea market business. I went to every yard sale I could find and bought everything i could. I opened a booth at the local flea market and learned the business in a matter of weeks. I even sold the pecans from the trees at Ken's mothers farm. It got to the point where I had to have two booths. One for nothing but books and the other for everything else.

I learned about depression glass, carnival glass, toys, pottery, figurines, furniture and much more. I had a passion for this type of thing since I was a child and my mother would take me around on big trash night in our neighborhood to get free things. Then we would sell them. This was my dream job even though it didn't pay very well at times. And, Stryker could come with me.

When winter came, the business slowed drastically! I had to find a consistant paycheck just to keep food in the house. Ken's business was hurting and he barely had any money either. His sister was even sueing his mother for propert rights. To me that was thewrongest thing EVER! To sue your own mother. What kind of family was I involved with here?

I finally landed a job at Time Life Libraries. I was going to call people and have them renew their magazine subscriptions. It was minimum wage with commissions. This job made me drink even more than I already did...

Love & Peace,


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Serial Killers and Hives

You would think that living in Florida would be wonderful. If America needed a douche, Ocala would be place to insert the hose. I was pulled over by the cops that first month on my way to work. They told me I was speeding and that they would throw me in jail if I didn't get my drivers license changed. I explained I had just moved there and just found a job and would do it the next day. For some reason, they let me go with a warning. Man, they were mean.

Once, and only once, I took a wrong turn into a neighborhood that I wasn't familiar with. Some black guy came chasing after me with a two by four and yelling that I was in his territory and that he would kill me. I avoided that area the rest of my life.

During my lovely stay in Ocala, Eileen Wornos was hitchhiking and killeing the men that picked her up. Plus in Gainesville, not too far from Ocala, at the college some drifter had killed some female students and cut off one of their heads and put it on display. Ah, Florida, The Sunshine State!

I settled into my job at the kitchen store. Although the pay was minimum wage I enjoyed working there. I would do all the stock, inventory, unloading trucks, pricing and my favorite "Window Dressing". We had a drawing the first month we were open and the winner would receive a $500 dollar gift certificate. I entered Ken and his family into the drawing everyday. When a winner was chosen, the first name to come out was unledgeable so they drew again. Ken's sister won the gift certificate. She didn't even offer me any part of the certificate and not even a thank you! What a lovely family.

One day a man came into the store and asked who had done the window displays. I told him that it was me and he said he was really impressed. He owned an Art Gallery in the better part of town and wanted me to come in for an interview.

I decided that I would quit drinking again so I could get the job at the art gallery. When I went in for the interview I told the owner that I was a recovering alcoholic. He was impressed with my resume from North Carolina and my honesty. I was hired and I quit the mall that week.

My new job consisted of framing, ordering of art, and helping customers. On occasion, I would get jobs on the side from women who asked me to come to their home to hang the art for them. I have a natural eye for this sort of thing. Things were beginning to look up again even though I wasn't happy with my home life.

It was easy to stop drinking again because Ken was always at his mother's house or god knows where. I pretty much was alone at home most of the time. When he did come by he usually had his son with him and he would get drunk and pass out.

I wanted more. Then I got it, a bad case of the hives. From the middle of my chest to the middle of my back on the right side. This was the first and only time I got hives. The itching was unbearable and the lotion did calm it down. I had to take off from work. Too much time on my hands lead to one thing. I started drinking again.

When the hives were gone and I was ready to go back to work, I had gotten drunk the night before. I showed up at the art gallery smelling like booze. I couldn't smell it but others could. The boss pulled me aside and asked if I had relapsed. I lied and said no. I told him he was smelling the strange gum I had been chewing. He fired me that day. Drinking makes you do and say stupid things!

Now what??????

Love & Peace,


Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Florida Sunshine

My Life: The first week in Florida and I already knew I had made a big mistake. It started out fine. We talked and got to know each other better. I went with Ken everywhere and learned everything about him. He spent a lot of time at the farm where his mother lived. He loved his horses, fed his cows etc. His sister lived on another piece of the farm with her husband. It seemed like one big happy family. His son would come and visit or stay overnight. His ex wife was a dog groomer and seemed nice enough.

Ah, The facade that people show the rest of the world. It would all unravel and I would get caught up in it. One thing at a time here. Ken invited Tony, his best friend, over to the house to meet me. Tony was a nice looking Italian man and Ken had known him for a few years. When Tony got to the house we talked and drank and smoked some weed and before I knew it, Tony & Ken were naked in the living room and going at it. They asked me to join in and I was so shocked I sorta just watched a little and then left the room. This is the first week I am there and I am supposed to be in a relationship with this guy? No warning that the clothes were coming off!

Ken said afterwards that he thought I would enjoy having the 3 way and that he couldn't just break it off with Tony without some kind of warning. That night he had his son over to the house for the weekend. Now, I had never really been around kids before so I didn't know what to expect. His son seemed like a good kid and he had his own room. What could go wrong, right?

When Ken put his kid to bed, we went in the living room and started talking about me getting a job and bringing in some money to help support "The Family". We talked about how Ken visited his mother, often, and how he would spend the night out at the farm. We talked - there was screaming coming from the kids room, we both jumped up to see what was wrong. It seems he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to sleep alone. Ken calmed him down and we went back to the conversation. Screaming again and crying. He was NOT going to sleep alone and did not like that I was taking time away from him and his father. He wanted to sleep with dad!

I don't know if I was jealous or what but I thought at the time that he should sleep in his own room by himself. I felt he was too old to sleep with dad and that dad shouldn't give in to his every whim. I learned that whenever Ken had his son over, I became secondary. Since this was my first encounter with this type of situation, I had a hard time dealing with it. I began to despise the kid.

Within a month of being there, Ken had spent maybe 1 to 2 nights a week with me. The rest he spent at his mothers. I had to find a job to keep from going insane. I looked and applied everywhere. Art galleries, stores, business, anything!!!! Ocala, Florida was small and filthy and just a horrible little city. I did get my first job as a sales clerk at the mall in the kitchen store "Lecthers". I pretty much had to beg to get it and it only paid minimum wage.

I also found out that first month that Ken's sister was milking his mother for everything she was worth. Getting her to sign over her land to her a little at a time and loaning her money and not paying it back etc etc.

Ken's wife was a lesbian and they only married to make their family's think they were straight. They did have sex a couple of times which produced the one son, Glen. While married, Ken would advertise in sex magazines for men. He would have a picture of his manlihood as part of the ads in the magazines. His wife found out and they divorced. They fought constantly and both of them were alcoholics.

To sum this section up: I am an alcoholic who tried to quit drinking but am now lovers with an alcoholic who still drinks. His son is a cry baby who screams when he doesn't get his way, his mother is overweight and needs help doing everything, his sister is money hungry, his ex is angry and also an alcoholic, he still has sex with other guys and spends little time with me. I AM STILL LONELY!

At least I have a job, for now. LOL

Peace & Love,

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Much Better & Busy again

I am doing a lot better. It took a while for the bronchitis to completely go away. Now I'm so far behind on everything it's hard to catch up. Plus, Scott has had some kind of flu/cold for the past week.

Today we're going to a birthday party in Arlington and then to see "Falsettos" in Herndon. Scott has rehearsal after that I have to get things done at home. It's going to be an exhausting day.

My Life: I finally came to the point where I had to tell Mitch and Christine that I was moving to Florida. Since they didn't know I was gay I made up a pretty lame excuse. I told them that I had a place to stay for free with free food and medical care if I needed it. Since I had already been condemed for being gay and HIV in the past, I didn't want to lose them as friends by telling them the truth. What a mess I was.

Once it was out that I was leaving, Mitch was furious. Christine was upset and the kids were crying. I started having panic attacks and locked myself in my apartment. I couldn't face them again. That week I rented a trailer to haul my stuff to florida. No one helped me pack and no one came to see me off. I left the apartment in a shambles because not everything fit in the trailor. I got in my car and didn't look back. It was probably one of the dumbest things I had ever done in my life (at that point).

I knew I was making a mistake from the get go. Ken and I weren't compatible in bed, he drank way too much which made me drink, he had a 7 year old son and a mother who needed him for everything. The thing was, I was so lonely for companionship that I thought he could provide it for me. He was, according to him, head over heels in love with me.

It took a couple of days for me to get to Florida since I didn't like driving that far. It really hurts my back to drive more than a few hours at a time. I cried a lot and wondered if Mitch & Christine would forgive me.

When I did get to Florida, Ken was there at the house waiting for me. We unpacked the trailor and got drunk. Looking back on all this, I feel it was the beginning of the end for me. The next couple of years were miserable. More details on that next time.

Love & Peace,

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Yes, I am screaming! The movie ended up being a big scam. They wanted me to work with the pretense of being paid. When I asked for a contract in writing they fired me. What a joke.

I got bronchitis last week and had to go to the urgent care facility. Antibiotics and cough syrup seemed to do the trick with a faint cough linguring. Last night I started getting sick again and I keep getting small fevers, more coughing and headaches. I hate being sick.

Scott and I just watched Michael Moore's "Sicko" and I am emotionally exhausted. Every American should watch that movie. What an eye opener! It's no wonder we all hate to go to the hospital.

My life: I'm going to be brief since I'm not feeling well. I stayed with Ken for a week. Met his family, ex wife, son and mother. Everyone was so nice to me and it seemed that Ken really had a lot going for him. The big problem was the whole week we both drank a lot. So much for staying clean.

Ken was a landlord (slumlord) with a couple of trailors. His family had lots of property including the farm where his mother lived. He had seperate house that he owned on his own where he told me he lived. By the end of the week, I was so enamered by him. He asked me to quit my job and move in with him. I said I would.

I knew that everything was going to be better for me but I hated having to tell my boss that I was leaving. He did, afterall, give me everything I needed to build a new life and it seemed ungrateful to me that I would just say thanks and goodbye. I know now how selfish I was was and how stupid I could be.

When I got back to N.C.. I went back to work and didn't say anything. I was scared. I would go home and get plastered. Staying cooped up in my apartment. Ken would call every day to ask when I was moving.

Love & Peace,