The Mess

I am so tired this morning. Last night after the show I went out with the cast to one of their homes and we had a karaoke party. I didn't get home until 2am and then the girls wouldn't let me sleep this morning. I feel like I have a horrible hangover and I didn't even drink anything. The party was fun though.

Today is another matinee and then one more weekend of being a woman. I'm getting used to the high heels but I don't think I could ever get used to the rest of the stuff that women have to wear. I'll be happy when it's over.

The next chapter of my story is painful to write.

My Life: I laid on the bed drinking my vodka and thinking that it was going to be my last night on earth. I was watching "Survivor" on TV. It was my favorite TV show and I thought to myself I'll never know who wins. I wasn't sad about leaving. I felt very content that I had done everything I was supposed to do. I wasn't going to miss anyone except my dog.

I had decided not to write a note. If I had, it might have gone like this:

Everyone,

I am freeing myself from all the pain of having to live on this earth. My body won't function without alcohol. My partner is angry with me on a daily basis. I'm broke and in debt up to my neck. My family never comes to visit me or even call. I always have to call them. I really don't have many friends. AIDS will probably take me anyway. My legs hurt, my head hurts and I no longer like who I am. People in general are just down right nasty and mean. I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!

Clayton

I was going to go out like Marilyn Monroe. I fell asleep.

Time ticked away. I woke up and didn't know who or where I was. I had soiled myself and was in a strange bed. The only thing I was thinking was to get clean. I crawled (literally) on my hands and knees towards the bathroom. Once I made it to the tub it took every ounce of my strenght to get inside. The water felt nice and I cleaned my self off. Seconds felt like hours. I finished cleaning up and got out of the tub. My legs were like rubber and didn't want to function. I knew I was dying. I didn't want to be found dead naked so I put on some pants. The hotel room was a mess with a trail of human feces leading from the bed to the bathroom. It was like some really bad movie. I crawled towards the door. I blacked out.

By all means I should have died that night. I wanted to die that night!

I woke up.

I was on a stretcher in some sort of hospital. What the hell happened? This is not where I was supposed to be. How in the hell did I get here? There was no one by my side. I was alone in a hallway and I was strapped down. I called out and a nurse came up to me and forced me to drink some black liquid. It tasted like charcoal. She told me I had my stomach pumped and that the liquid would help clean out more of the poison. I asked to be unstrapped and she said it was for my own good. I was in hell!


I don't know how much time passed before someone found me and I woke up. Here is what I was told happened. Somehow or other I had opened the door to the hotel room and crawled to the elevator. I was found inside the elevator by a hotel clerk who called an ambulance. Because I had put on my pants with my wallet in my back pocket they could tell whom I was by my drivers license. The hotel let the police and emergency people into my room where they had found the empty sleeping pill bottle. I was taken to the hospital emergency room somewhere in D.C.

Being strapped on that gurney and feeling like my stomach had been turned inside out was not what I had planned. I asked them when I would get out of there and I was told that they were going to send me to a psychiatric facility. They asked me if there was anyone I needed to call and I told them no. I was taken from the hospital to the crazy ward and put into a room. There was no counseling, no explanations, no comfort.

I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die...

Love & Peace,

Clayton