The Beginning of an End

I went to an audition yesterday in Falls Church, VA for a play that will be in the "Fringe Festival" this year. It is called Count Dracula's Cafe and it reads well with a Dracula that is my age. At the audition the Director put me down on more than one occasion. He said I was the worst singer he had ever heard (I only sang one line), he said I was going bald and that I had to grow hair in the back because I couldn't in the front. He thought the worst actor auditioning was the best actor there. There were only 4 of us and I know I didn't suck that bad.

With Scott gone almost every night directing his show and my closest friends passing away or moving, it's getting a little lonely. I haven't found any new friends since we've moved. Every audition has gone bad this year. Business is way down and I am feeling the burn.

Today I will make a GREAT day. It is time to clean out some more stuff so look out eBay this week!

My Life: Jim sent me the tickets to Orlando. I just told Ken that a friend invited me on a trip for a week and left. I wasn't at all concerned if Ken cared. I just left. When I got to Orlando, Jim picked me up and we went to the resort he was staying at. It was one of those fancy "gay" resorts. Jim and I did a lot of cocaine that week. He didn't drink but he bought me vodka.

Jim had bought me a speedo bathing suit and asked me if I would wear it to the pool. I had a hot body at the time and did so with pleasure. I was feeling sexy as hell that week, being cruised by all the men. I never wanted to leave.

The last day of the trip, Jim gave me a present. It was my first CD boom box. I was still listening to cassettes back then. I was overwhelmed with joy. Music was the one thing that took me away from my troubles. Jim then took me to the store and purchased a bunch of my favorite music. We went back to the resort and talked. I told him that I still loved him and that I had always loved him since the first time we had met. He said he loved me too and that I should move back to Virginia with him. I was all for it. I hated where I was in my life and was ready to go. Jim said he would rent a van and drive down to get me and my stuff.

I got back to Ken's house in Ocala and started to pack. I had no problem telling Ken that I was moving away and taking Stryker with me. I told him Jim would be here by the end of the week. That week, I hardly saw Ken at all. Jim arrived, we packed the van full and we left without looking back. I was exhausted!

We checked into a hotel the first night and I called my mom and dad to let them know where I was. My dad informed me that my mother was in the hospital and not doing well. Everyone thought she wasn't going to make it this time. Jim asked me if I wanted to visit on the way back and of course I said yes. She lived in Williamsburg which is only a couple hours from Arlington.

When we got to the hospital I almost lost it. My mother looked so weak and frail. I whispered in her ear that if she wanted to go that we would be fine. That night she began to get well again. She was a fighter! I told her about Jim and she seemed pleased.

Jim and I got back to his place. It was an apartment complex that didn't allow dogs. I refused to give up Stryker so Jim said we would look for a place to live together. Jim didn't have a job back then. He collected social security because of AIDS and he sold cocaine to supplement his income. He had sold his life insurance policy because he thought he wasn't going to live long and used most of the money for the trip in Orlando. I had no job and had no idea what I was going to do. We looked for a place to live.

Remember the house I lived in with all those guys in Arlington? Well, Jim and I rented the house across the street from it. 2 Story with a big yard. The upstairs was one big room and Jim allowed me to do want I wanted with it. I turned it into ClaytonLand. It was a reflection of my personality and all of my quirkiness.

A few of Jim's friends were very wary of me, thinking I was a taker. Others accepted me into their lives. Janice & Rishi, a lesbian couple, took to me immediately as did Kenny and Jay. 3 gay couples, lots of cocaine and booze, we would play cards and just hang out.

During the first week, Ken would call me every night and cry for me to come back to Florida. He said he was sorry and that he missed and loved me. It was heartbreaking to listen to him but I stood strong and told him what was done was done. he would write letters after that, that I never responded to. Finally those stopped coming too. I have not, to this day, talked to him again.

That first month in Arlington, Jim took me to see the AIDS quilt in D.C. It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen. I found a few of my friends names on the quilt. Even found my own name, although it wasn't made for me. It was so emotionally overwhelming that I just collapsed on the ground. I will never, ever forget that feeling.

Now, with all the extra cocaine that was going in my nose, Jim insisted that I find a job. Here we go again...

Love & Peace,

Clayton