I want out!

Today: Nothing much new to say. Trying to learn my lines for the show I am in. Yard sales were few this weekend so not a lot of new products for me to sell. I'll be working on the garage today to get that cleaned out some more. At least I'm feeling better.

My Life: When Jim and I moved into the new home in Alexandria I started drinking heavily again. Since the drugs were less I added more alcohol. I really didn't like myself very much. I thought I was a happy drunk and I did everything I could to please everyone around me. That wasn't working because Jim would get angry about my consumption of booze. I am the type of person that will hide his emotions when upset. The silent angry type. That doesn't help in any relationship.

I started going out at night to the "Eagle" in D.C.. I avoided being around Jim as much as possible. When we did cross paths, all we did was fight. He was constantly harping on me. He would get on my computer and track all the websites and chat rooms I had been in. He knew how to find everything on it and he stole my privacy from me. I know that relationships are built on love & trust but we were both breaking the rules. He spyed on me and I cheated on him. He began to cheat on me too. It wasn't pretty.

One morning I had a hangover so bad that I was taking a shower and fell in the tub. My neck missed the edge of the tub by inches and I slammed my shoulder instead. It hurt really bad but I have a high tolerance for pain. Jim slept through the fall. He never got out of bed before 1PM anyway. So I drove to work and checked in with my staff. As I was talking to someone about the fall my shoulder made a large cracking noise. They cringed and told me to go to the hospital. I drove there and had an x-ray done. Broken in 3 places. I wore a cast for 4 months or so.

Healed from the shoulder, my body started making it's own changes. I began feeling a pins and needles like sensation in my legs. I was wearing down and had no energy. My muscles hurt and I became depressed. I couldn't stand as much and had to sit often. I went to the doctor's office and he couldn't find anything wrong with me other than being HIV+.

My routine was: I drank. I did more drugs. I fought with Jim. I drank. I went to the gay bar. I drank. I picked up men. I barely went to work. I hurt, so I drank more.

Jim and I were all but through. We just lived together. I wanted to move but I didn't have the funds to do so.

A friend from work introduced me to eBay and I gave it a try. I started out with a mermaid troll doll that I had purchased at a yard sale for a dollar. It was in mint condition and I sold it on eBay for $75.00. I was hooked. I had found a new way to help pay for my drinking, smoking and drug habits.

The pain in my body was getting worse and I would go in for tests on a regular basis. Finally there was a test where they hooked up these electrodes to my legs and turned on a machine that would shock me. When they did this to me, I felt nothing. There wasn't any feeling of shock. They hooked it up to my upper leg and I felt it. I was stunned. The lower portion of my legs seemed to be asleep most of the time. The doctor told me I had peripheral neuropathy. The nerves in my legs were dying. No wonder I couldn't stand as long as I had used to. They gave me a medication called neuronton and told me I should feel relief in about 6 weeks.

I was so lost in my own mind. I wanted out! I wanted out of my relationship! I wanted out of my house! I wanted out of my life! I began to hate going to work because of the pain! The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my dog Stryker.

Then I met Ken Danfelt at the Eagle bar...

Love & Peace,

Clayton